Today is my first official blog! I've tried 3 times to make one, but kept having technical difficulties. Why the title? Partly because I have always presented myself as the..."Little Miss Sunshine" to others...(Peace at all Costs) you know. My facade is a bright smile-full of sparkling white teeth....however, my heart was breaking inside. Also...the "lightbulb" has truly been turned on! I am now fully understanding the depth of my co-dependence, my issues of control, etc... Most importantly...Why have I been married to an alcoholic for nearly 16 years? Obviously...my pain tolerance seems to be sky-high! Also...I will turn 40 on January 3. As this birthday looms...I am finally taking inventory of my life and learning that I don't have to wait for my spouse to recover for me to have a wonderful life. Last year...(around this time) I went to my first-and-only-3 Al-Anon Meetings. I absolutely fear speaking in front of others and I was asked to read aloud from a book (imagine that?). As a teacher...I know...how can you not do this? I'll explain in a later-post. My Q. tried to make me feel guilty for going to those 3 meetings. (i.e.- Mommy cannot tuck you in tonight because she has a "meeting" to our daughter.) Or...he would just act irritable a couple of days leading-up to the meeting night. So...I "ALLOWED" my spouse to get-to-me and found numerous other reasons for "why I don't need Al-Anon." Strangely enough...I believe I did hit "my bottom" several years ago. However...I kept trudging along...watching his alcoholism progress at an alarming rate. Recently...I have "seen the light!" I am finally getting it and went to a new Al-Anon Meeting yesterday. I now know that I have allowed my spouse to become my life and I need a new life. More to come...I am new to this whole blogging thing and I am trying hard to NOT try to sensor my thoughts as a way to truly recover and heal. I hope that this journal will be a way to document my daily thoughts, ramblings, etc... as I truly begin to find out who I am? Also, reading other Al-Anon related blogs has been instrumental in helping me so far. But for today...I truly feel like..."Little Miss Sunshine!"
15 comments:
I'm so glad that you went back to Al-Anon. It saved my life. Keep blogging and keep going to those meetings. We help each other in good ways here in the blogosphere. What you've done took a lot of courage.
I feel like you are an old friend - maybe because your story sounds a bit like mine - Welcome to the blog community - again - and good for you for going to al anon - it will only work if you work it.
Cat
Welcome! I followed the revolving door Alanon program (I'm in..I'm out..I'm in...I'm out)for years until I realized that maybe sponsoring myself wasn't such a good thing :-) I owe my life to Alanon and it is a pretty serene one now. I can pass on the tools to my boys by my actions instead of lecturing them and have learned what compassion and acceptance mean. I don't have to like something but I do have to accept it if I am to retain my peace. It's great to have another friend online!
What huge steps you have taken - back into Alanon and into the blogosphere. It's a wonderful journey to be on. Congratulations.
I welcome you. I spent nearly 20 years in a marriage to an active alcoholic and instead of finding Alanon, I ended up an alcoholic.
Then, I got sober and after 19 years sober in AA, I chose to go to Alanon too and it is a terrific program and has provided me with more opportunities for growth. I love both programs and they have saved my life.
Come visit my site sometime.
I am Michael, Mad Mick to my friends, welcome, I am a recovering alcoholic and am a follower of Syds blog.
I suppose I am other side of the fence and have come by to say hello and welcome to the blogosphere
I am overwhelmed with happiness as I read the supportive comments. I just learned how to "kind-of" do the blogging thing last night and truly didn't expect such a quick welcome. This alone made my night! I love the idea of having people out there that know what I'm going through. Thanks again and you've all inspired me to keep writing, reading, reflecting and learning each day!
Syd,
Thank you for the warm welcome. I have been reading your blog for around a month. You have been able to put words to my issues of codependency and control that I wasn't ever able to do. I suppose finding the words seems to go hand-in-hand with recovery. Your blog is brilliant! Thanks again.
Cat,
Funny...I feel like you are an old friend as well-I feel like I am reading about myself as I read your blog. Please know that whenever I read your comments, I can usually relate or get inspiration! I can't wait to read your next post!
Kim,
I'm always glad when I hear people saying, "I owe my life to Al-Anon." It helps me recognize that it won't be an "overnight-fix". It took a lifetime to build my dysfunctional self. Thanks for the lift. I know it's important for me to get myself together for my daughter as well. Thanks friend.
Prayer Girl,
It is never to late-I'm glad you found sobriety. I truly love a great glass of wine and an occasional margarita. It makes me sad that my Q. takes the fun out of my (6 times a year drinking) that I once did. I am striving to abstain completely since I don't really miss it. Now...if someone told me I couldn't have chocolate EVER again...we would have a problem. Thanks again.
Michael,
Thanks for the welcome. I am excited to be part of this. I feel like I just met 5 new great friends today. Thanks again.
So glad you found the online community and welcome. I look forward to hearing more... keep up the great blogging!!!
Namaste,
gabriella moonlight
Welcome aboard to the blogging world and I'm glad too that you went back to Al-Anon. Like you, I dabbled here and there and didn't find my spot but now it's been one year and I can tell you that my life, me, has changed. It's been a God send, for sure.
I'll be checking you out regularly. Come by for a visit!
It is amazing how tenacious us coes can be, huh. Trudging faithfully along for *years* in pain, until finally we decide enough is enough and we begin our journey of self discovery.
Welcome!
Hi. again. I read your blog backwards. :)
.......I like the 90 meetings in 90 days....... I heard some do..
I make a meeting almost every day...3 f2f a week............and the Al-Anon Phone Bridge that I mentioned in one of your posts.
If you can't make too many f2f because you can't get out all the time with a child then try the phone bridge. Remember Take What you Like and Leave the Rest (applies to the phone bridge too).
There are a lot of recovery on the phone bridge. I've been attending them for several months now. (especially good in the cold weather when I've been now going only to 2 f2f a week. (f2f means face to face).
The phone bridge .. we read from different books; "How Al-Anon Works; .. From Survival to Recovery (my favorite one on Wednesday's NOON) etc. (all Eastern TIME)
The site that has the format to these meetings are at:
http://www.geocities.com/alanonphonemeetings/
Betty Ann ((hugs))
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