Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Little Miss Sunshine Retires...


First of all....THANK YOU to everyone that has commented on this blog.   I found myself so excited to read each comment and even had that Junior High Crush feeling when I would post and wait for the next comment to come through.   (Yeah...I know...what a sad life...that I don't have too many other exciting things going on).    But...honestly...I feel like I am at such an early stage in my recovery that I don't feel positive enough yet to write honestly without bringing others down with me in the process.   


In the few Al-Anon Meetings I've been to....I sit-I listen-I say very little...then watch as a few people talk at the end...but many of them scurry off and leave.   I have searched the crowd...(when I say crowd-I mean there are probably close to 100 people that go to this meeting-then they break into small groups after about 20 minutes) looking for someone that I feel a connection to...someone with some similar issues (or past issues) as me...but it's NOT working.    Most seem to already have their inner circles or people they talk to.... Possibly, I'm giving off the wrong vibe?!  But I am really a positive cheerful girl (in public-they don't know the real sad me...) desperately looking for a sponsor.   I did connect with one girl...I asked her if she would be my sponsor...then I found out that she is dealing with her husband having an affair-he doesn't hold a job-and she works full time to support her 4 kids and is fairly new to the program herself.   WOW..just when I thought I had problems...What I also see is...many attend the meetings that have kids that are now alcoholics or that grew up in an alcoholic family.   I guess I am being selfish.   This is my TOP TEN LIST for the my selfish SELF and the I WANTS for Al-Anon.
  1. I want to meet others that are married to alcoholics and FIND A SPONSOR.
  2. I want to know what to say to my spouse when he comes home at 2:00 a.m. drunk-Actually...I want to know what to say to him anytime...he refuses to discuss anything and we don't talk unless it's Pleasantries of the Day....
  3. I want to know how to function and meet a healthy couple when my husband binge drinks.
  4. I want to know how to NOT FEEL GUILTY each time I try to assert myself to my husband and tell him I am going to an Al-Anon meeting without him getting mad.
  5. I want to know how to respond to my spouse when he has his BABY ANGRY FIT moments.
  6. I want to know how to GROW CONFIDENCE in myself so I don't have an anxiety attack each time I want to speak in front of a group.
  7. I want to know if I should stay-or-leave?   P.S.-I wouldn't ever qualify for health insurance on my own again-I had this rare cancer thing that came on after I gave birth to our daughter.   I am OK... for now...but I am a diabetic because they removed half of my pancreas due to a rare pancreatic tumor.   So...I desperately need his health insurance.
  8. I want to know if I am harming my child by staying or leaving?
  9. I want to know...how long before I can be HAPPY alone?
  10. I want to know...WHEN WILL THIS CO-DEPENDENT CAPER turn into INDEPENDENT CAPER?

Basically...I have found that all I want to write about...are the things that he is doing that irritate me and how he is becoming increasingly more distant from me and our daughter as his Alcoholism progresses.  
However...he works very hard at his job-but... then wants to be a couch potato whenever he is at home.   (See..I feel guilty even saying this...I am the stay-at-home mom-he supports us with a great income-he works hard and is tired...you know....) But...he really has NO relationship of ANY KIND with me.   So, I find it hard to write about anything but the NEGATIVE NELLY kind of stuff...

So...I will eagerly await your comments again and then I plan to write in a journal-format for myself, but no posting again until I get myself feeling somewhat grounded and a sponsor to vent all the other negative junk to.   I will continue to read all of your posts.   My favorites are Syd and Cat.    They have both lived in similar situations and I have learned so much from them. I love you guys!      I'm not giving up...I'm just on a hiatus until I can see through the fog.    

See all of you soon.   

You may still email me...if you'd like at:      LittleMissSunshineis40@gmail.com     

6 comments:

Jemmsie said...

Hiya LMS,
I'm just back from an Al anon meeting and read your post. I'm so grateful for your honesty. I've been in Al-anon for a few months, and I still find it difficult to connect with people. I know what you mean about people already having their inner circles. People are nice and say hello etc - but don't often chat to me afterwards.
You've helped me put it in perspective though, and realise that it's not everyone, or every meeting - just the one I choose to go to :)
Thanks muchly, all the best on your journey.

Syd said...

I don't know if there are smaller meetings in your area but you might want to go to several meetings until you find one that isn't so huge.

One of the things that I did in meeting was to openly share and say that I wanted to work the steps. And that I wanted to find a sponsor. Many meetings will have a list of people who are willing to sponsor. Talking to the person chairing the meeting is another way to connect with people who have what you want (=recovery) and whose number you can get.

As far as the other things that you listed, those will come as you work the program of recovery. No sponsor can tell you what to do--they are only a guide through the steps.

If you keep going to meetings, and listen to the experience, strength and hope of others, you'll begin to see that this is a journey. And you'll hear the things that you need to hear from people who are on the path to serenity. Keep coming back.

One Prayer Girl said...

There are more people just like you than you are aware of. I've been where you are. I've experienced the kind of things you have - both with an alcoholic husband and experiencing feeling totally outside the loop in meetings.

All I can say is that there was plenty about me that needed to change, but I needed someone to help me. I could not do it alone. I agree with Syd. Try to find other meetings. Let people know you are looking for a sponsor to take you through the steps. The steps is where recovery can be found.

You are on my blogroll and I don't plan to remove you. I'll be praying for you and waiting for your return.
Prayer Girl

Caper said...

Jemmsie, Syd & Prayer Girl,

Thank you..thank you...thank you for commenting. I'm very grateful for all of your helpful words. I tried another meeting tonight. Complete opposite....Only 5 people there. 2 women and 3 gentlemen. I got some out of the meeting and actually spoke during my turn (which is a first). I plan to go and buy a few of the Al-Anon books tomorrow. I'll keep looking for a sponsor and trying more meetings. I don't think anyone that I met could be my sponsor from tonight's meeting...but I am feeling more hopeful...and I will "Keep Coming Back". I liked your advice Syd and I plan to say exactly what you mentioned...that I want to work the steps and that I want to find a sponsor. Thank you for your words. I think I don't even know what to think at times lately. Prayer Girl-I too have plenty to change and so appreciate all your kind words. Let me know Jemmsie..I hope we both can find our fit in Al-Anon. Thanks again guys. Happy Thanksgiving to you all. I have so much to be thankful for...

Unknown said...

Good morning Sunshine!

I was going to suggest some of the reading material too...and I see you by your comments you plan to do that. They have helped me too..and this is a journey; a process and will be a walk that we walk all our lives if we wish to move forward.

Hang in there!!

Ms Hen's said...

Hi. I found your blog through Syd's Blog. I have 17 months of f2f meetings. I felt a bit of LOOP when I first began; but I remembered I was NOT there to make friends; I was there to heal.

I also heard that some members were there for 4, 12, 19, 30 years. They have known each for a loooooong time; and of course came to know each other; so that is why I felt out of the Loop.

I liked the 12th Tradition: Principals and NOT Personalities.

I grew closer now to the member of the 3 f2f meeting I go to here in NYC. I am not the type that want to get together outside of meetings. But I do get to meetings 20 to 30 minutes early and talk and talk before meetings now.

I like everyone because I feel they are all brave for sharing so much with each other. I feel 100% comfortable in all 3 f2f I go to now.. but it did take time.

Keep going; and remember (if this helps) you are NOT there to make friends; you are there to learn and listen and share... (that helped me when I felt out of the loop.

There were some really sweet members too that made me feel welcome; but it still felt awkward at first.

Now I have a sense of peace when I walk into the ROOMS.