Monday, November 24, 2008

OK...I've retired and I'm back already.   I keep reading all my favorite blogs and getting inspiration.    I have checked out another Al-Anon meeting and will continue to look for a sponsor because boy do I need one.   

I noticed something about myself lately.    This will sound bad, but I am trying not to sensor myself.  I don't really like people.   I want to like people.   I want people to like me...well that one is a given and it has been for my whole life.   When I meet someone new...I am usually fixed on how they're viewing me.   I rarely see people for who they really are.   I have met maybe 2 to 3 other people in my life that I really wanted to pursue a close friendship with....but the friendships never tend to get off the ground...maybe because they could see that I am not true to myself???   

When I meet most people, I generally find lots of  "stuff-wrong" with them....I'm sure it's my own blazing insecurities and low self-esteem.     However, today...I noticed that I tried to look at each person I spoke to at my daughter's preschool as true people.   I tried to listen attentively to their words.   Usually, I am hung-up on..."how do I look?"  or  "Crap...I think my lips are dry and need Carmex!....or...."I know she is looking at me and thinking this-or-that."   Pretty shallow huh?    Sad..but true.   Like I said, I at least tried to focus on them.    I am learning that I am just as selfish as my alcoholic is in so many ways.    How can I expect to make new friends in our new area (we just moved last May) when I am so focused on him?    

A note on Thanksgiving.   This one will be interesting.   My parents, my sister and her 3 kids (ages 9, 2, and 4) are all going to stay with us since we moved and now have space for everyone. Now that I am having an awakening of sorts...I wonder if many crazy words will get said between my Dad and I.   He seems to ruin most meals, holidays, conversations, etc...with his obsession over money and his negative outlook on life.     Then I watch my Mom cater to him and run herself ragged to please everyone.   All the while, my spouse is pacing the room like a caged animal waiting for the next "appropriate" opportunity to get drunk while they are here. doesn't even have to be appropriate-(Like a neighbor calling to invite him over to watch a football game.)     When I watch from the mom and dad interacting...I see me and my spouse through and through.   Yeah..maybe my dad doesn't have the alcoholism, but he is an angry sad bitter old man.   He wants everyone to listen to him rant on about today's economy, etc... 

Oh...the resolutions for this week are:

  • When my mom or dad become negative....walk away or grab the kids to start playing a game, etc...Most adults in my family loathe true playtime with kids...(including me...) so it should be an interesting attempt.
  • When my husband gets negative or starts drinking, try to find the positive in our beautiful 4-year-old.
  • Try to get outside (if it's warm enough...) and take those interested for a walk or to play at the nearby park.

Try to focus on family and try to lovingly detach from spouse when needed.  I still don't know what this means..."loving detachment?"    Whenever I try....he gets mad and I get some sort of attitude...then I get mad...then guilty...then sad...and repeat the cycle.   Did any of you do this at the beginning of recovery.     Just many of you out there found true peace and recovered on your own - perhaps...with the help of your higher power  - while your S.O. was still drinking?   Just need some hope I guess...  Well, gotta get family also wakes up at 6:00 I need to save up on sleep tonight. Wow...I just noticed that it's already 12:31 a.m.  So much for getting to bed early.   They're coming tomorrow and I still have to clean the bathrooms, and do lots of last minute cleaning.   Why do I always wait until last minute anyway?    I kill myself off...then put on the Little-Miss-Sunshine face until I drop a day later. 

I do wish all of you a Happy - Safe - Peaceful Thanksgiving.  

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Little Miss Sunshine Retires...

First of all....THANK YOU to everyone that has commented on this blog.   I found myself so excited to read each comment and even had that Junior High Crush feeling when I would post and wait for the next comment to come through.   (Yeah...I know...what a sad life...that I don't have too many other exciting things going on).    But...honestly...I feel like I am at such an early stage in my recovery that I don't feel positive enough yet to write honestly without bringing others down with me in the process.   

In the few Al-Anon Meetings I've been to....I sit-I listen-I say very little...then watch as a few people talk at the end...but many of them scurry off and leave.   I have searched the crowd...(when I say crowd-I mean there are probably close to 100 people that go to this meeting-then they break into small groups after about 20 minutes) looking for someone that I feel a connection to...someone with some similar issues (or past issues) as me...but it's NOT working.    Most seem to already have their inner circles or people they talk to.... Possibly, I'm giving off the wrong vibe?!  But I am really a positive cheerful girl (in public-they don't know the real sad me...) desperately looking for a sponsor.   I did connect with one girl...I asked her if she would be my sponsor...then I found out that she is dealing with her husband having an affair-he doesn't hold a job-and she works full time to support her 4 kids and is fairly new to the program herself.   WOW..just when I thought I had problems...What I also see is...many attend the meetings that have kids that are now alcoholics or that grew up in an alcoholic family.   I guess I am being selfish.   This is my TOP TEN LIST for the my selfish SELF and the I WANTS for Al-Anon.
  1. I want to meet others that are married to alcoholics and FIND A SPONSOR.
  2. I want to know what to say to my spouse when he comes home at 2:00 a.m. drunk-Actually...I want to know what to say to him anytime...he refuses to discuss anything and we don't talk unless it's Pleasantries of the Day....
  3. I want to know how to function and meet a healthy couple when my husband binge drinks.
  4. I want to know how to NOT FEEL GUILTY each time I try to assert myself to my husband and tell him I am going to an Al-Anon meeting without him getting mad.
  5. I want to know how to respond to my spouse when he has his BABY ANGRY FIT moments.
  6. I want to know how to GROW CONFIDENCE in myself so I don't have an anxiety attack each time I want to speak in front of a group.
  7. I want to know if I should stay-or-leave?   P.S.-I wouldn't ever qualify for health insurance on my own again-I had this rare cancer thing that came on after I gave birth to our daughter.   I am OK... for now...but I am a diabetic because they removed half of my pancreas due to a rare pancreatic tumor.   So...I desperately need his health insurance.
  8. I want to know if I am harming my child by staying or leaving?
  9. I want to long before I can be HAPPY alone?

Basically...I have found that all I want to write about...are the things that he is doing that irritate me and how he is becoming increasingly more distant from me and our daughter as his Alcoholism progresses.  
However...he works very hard at his job-but... then wants to be a couch potato whenever he is at home.   (See..I feel guilty even saying this...I am the stay-at-home mom-he supports us with a great income-he works hard and is know....) But...he really has NO relationship of ANY KIND with me.   So, I find it hard to write about anything but the NEGATIVE NELLY kind of stuff...

So...I will eagerly await your comments again and then I plan to write in a journal-format for myself, but no posting again until I get myself feeling somewhat grounded and a sponsor to vent all the other negative junk to.   I will continue to read all of your posts.   My favorites are Syd and Cat.    They have both lived in similar situations and I have learned so much from them. I love you guys!      I'm not giving up...I'm just on a hiatus until I can see through the fog.    

See all of you soon.   

You may still email me...if you'd like at:     

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Roller-Coaster Ride Anyone?

Wow...what a lazy weekend. Basically, I did not leave the house since Friday evening. Only to step out onto the deck for a moment today. It was freezing here all weekend! The cool thing is...that all of us were together all weekend. Me...the co-dependent that I am...A perfect day to me is: A clean house, laundry done & put away, clean sheets on the beds, checkbook balanced and all 3 of us together in my little controlled world. Yes....he watched tons of football and drank #? (ok...I'll admit...I was counting...9 beers since Saturday morning-not his usual quota). Overall, a very laid-back weekend.

Finally, I got it together and cooked 2 meals this weekend. I like to cook...but this disease of watching out for my alcoholic is so exhausting...I do tend to be fairly scattered in my thoughts and can't even decide which restaurant we should go can I possibly think about ingredients and preparing a meal? Remember...I am just now beginning to "see the light."
However, Saturday I made shrimp havarti, crab legs, roasted mushrooms, Cesar-Salad and pasta. Tonight, we had grilled cheese sandwiches and chili. It was nice to NOT have to head out to a restaurant...which we usually do...not to mention the dollars saved.

Throughout the weekend though....I still can't help but think that I am getting back on the roller-coaster. We were together...well just occupying the same space... this weekend, but he still made several phone calls and seemed to be his usual "caged-animal self." He called our old drinking-neighbor M. I'm sure he was trying to "muster-up" someone to go out with-to get in his quota (how he needs to get fully drunk every weekend).

Everyone must have been lucky me...he chose us this weekend. (How sad this sounds). hubby is not the alcoholic that is content to stay home with his family and get drunk...(not that this would be any easier...just easier in my sick mind of control) He...on-the-other-hand... likes to be away from me/our daughter/responsibilities when he is drinking.

This could be:
  • at a bar
  • at a friend's house watching a football game
  • just going to have "a" cocktail
  • with an old friend in from out-of-town
  • going to after-work functions
  • helping someone to do "something"
That's the thing with this disease that I am having the hardest time with...I am a planner...a controller of situations (or so I think). So, even though he was home, I knew something would soon follow...the other shoe would drop... and he would be leave me to my own devices. My own worst device...FEAR.
  • FEAR of a DUI-How has this man driven drunk every weekend for 20 years and never received one?
  • FEAR of him killing himself or others in a car accident.
  • Fear of getting to be sleep-deprived as I wait for him to roll in.
  • FEAR of lying in bed with that "gut-wrenching" anxiety until he makes it home.
  • FEAR of the "phone-call" know the one...when he says he will either be home soon (already it's 1:00 a.m.) or that he cannot drive home and will stay at J.'s house.
  • FEAR of losing it all to his alcoholism...all the material possessions...our new home, my new car, having to go back to work full-time to support myself and our daughter if he's gone?
  • FEAR of my daughter losing her Father whom she dearly adores.
  • FEAR of my husband meeting someone in a bar and having an affair.
  • FEAR of losing him. Then...when he walks in at 2:00 a.m....and...suddenly...
ANGER replaces the FEAR. Only to repeat this cycle all over again.
I wait...I wonder...which weekend will it happen? The usual cycle is once a month. The hardest part is the "not knowing?" when....I know this sounds morbid...but I compare it to hearing planes which fly over our house often. Each time one seems to be flying low or seems extremely close...I listen...I fear...will this one hit the house? It's like that with him...I have no control over when and if it will happen. This...I have come to finally recognize.

Last year...when my parents were here for Thanksgiving, they had just arrived from out-of-town (they live 5 hours away). We were making pizza the night before Thanksgiving day. He got off work at noon and went out with a coworker (his alcoholic best friend) to drink. I kept calling and got the dreaded "no answer" . He is famous for the no-answer when he is drinking, which is so finally, we ate the pizza without him.

He came home at 7:30-totally drunk in front of my parents. He says hello and then proudly announces that he is going to bed-at 8:00 p.m.! He stumbles into the bedroom and passes out. I guess I'm fearing that this will happen all over again! Then, I get to deal with the words/looks/disapproval that will come flying from my parents-You know...the dysfunctional parents-a big part in why I chose my husband and why I have stayed so long....

Can you say AL-ANON anyone? I know you're thinking..."This girl is nutzo!" I know I am. These obsessions/fears and me trying to control are driving me crazy. I love what I hear from all of you and I like what I've seen so far in Al-anon. I want the calm/serenity that so many of you have...I know in my head how to get it...but it's not yet in my heart. It is not yet a daily way of living. I am beginning to see things differently though. So...please forgive me...if I'm ranting about him...I am trying to bring the focus back to ME. This is why I cannot wait for this week's meeting.

I'm ready to get off this roller-coaster or better yet...I don't ever want to get on the ride again.

Friday, November 7, 2008

I like To Move It!

I took my daughter to Madagascar II tonight.   It was a great movie.   For the first time, I finally let myself "be in the moment" and enjoyed the movie. I probably only let my mind wander about "him" a couple of times (few seconds each compared to an entire movie in the past).   My Q. was working late.   He is in the I.T./I.S. field, and he had to do something with the network.   This means he may not get home until late.    So, I decided to head to the movies.   Before Q. left tonight to head back to work, we had great communication and all had hugs & kisses.    I found myself feeling guilty for going without him, but I knew I had to begin to branch out and not wait for his "kibble" every weekend.   I usually do not make any plans hoping that I will somehow fit into his life.   This has led me to become quite isolated at times.  I think the guilt came from the fact that normally...he would call me as he way driving home from work at 3:00ish and mention that he would be either: a) stopping off to have "a drink" with his friend (also an alcoholic) or b) meeting his friend at a bar for "a drink".   Then he would show up around 7:00 to 8:00ish drunk and tired.    This is the current trend.  I know that the tide will change soon as the holidays approach.    Usually...this means friends from out of town will return.   More bar and late night evenings....I'm really trying to NOT obsess about him.   I did very well today.   Got a haircut, actually got dressed up just to drop off daughter at Preschool.    Went shopping, etc...basically, I kept myself busy.    While I was at Whole Foods shopping, I noticed I was trying to be friendly and could tell I must have had more confidence...because many were responding slightly more positive than usual.   Ok...I know that sounds like a Codie thing to say...but it just felt like a pretty good day.   Minus the guilt from enjoying the movie while he was working.   All a part of the process I guess.    

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Little Miss Sunshine is Born!

Today is my first official blog! I've tried 3 times to make one, but kept having technical difficulties. Why the title? Partly because I have always presented myself as the..."Little Miss Sunshine" to others...(Peace at all Costs) you know. My facade is a bright smile-full of sparkling white teeth....however, my heart was breaking inside. Also...the "lightbulb" has truly been turned on! I am now fully understanding the depth of my co-dependence, my issues of control, etc... Most importantly...Why have I been married to an alcoholic for nearly 16 years? pain tolerance seems to be sky-high! Also...I will turn 40 on January 3. As this birthday looms...I am finally taking inventory of my life and learning that I don't have to wait for my spouse to recover for me to have a wonderful life. Last year...(around this time) I went to my first-and-only-3 Al-Anon Meetings. I absolutely fear speaking in front of others and I was asked to read aloud from a book (imagine that?). As a teacher...I can you not do this? I'll explain in a later-post. My Q. tried to make me feel guilty for going to those 3 meetings. (i.e.- Mommy cannot tuck you in tonight because she has a "meeting" to our daughter.) Or...he would just act irritable a couple of days leading-up to the meeting night. So...I "ALLOWED" my spouse to get-to-me and found numerous other reasons for "why I don't need Al-Anon." Strangely enough...I believe I did hit "my bottom" several years ago. However...I kept trudging along...watching his alcoholism progress at an alarming rate. Recently...I have "seen the light!" I am finally getting it and went to a new Al-Anon Meeting yesterday. I now know that I have allowed my spouse to become my life and I need a new life. More to come...I am new to this whole blogging thing and I am trying hard to NOT try to sensor my thoughts as a way to truly recover and heal. I hope that this journal will be a way to document my daily thoughts, ramblings, etc... as I truly begin to find out who I am? Also, reading other Al-Anon related blogs has been instrumental in helping me so far. But for today...I truly feel like..."Little Miss Sunshine!"