I noticed something about myself lately. This will sound bad, but I am trying not to sensor myself. I don't really like people. I want to like people. I want people to like me...well that one is a given and it has been for my whole life. When I meet someone new...I am usually fixed on how they're viewing me. I rarely see people for who they really are. I have met maybe 2 to 3 other people in my life that I really wanted to pursue a close friendship with....but the friendships never tend to get off the ground...maybe because they could see that I am not true to myself???
When I meet most people, I generally find lots of "stuff-wrong" with them....I'm sure it's my own blazing insecurities and low self-esteem. However, today...I noticed that I tried to look at each person I spoke to at my daughter's preschool as true people. I tried to listen attentively to their words. Usually, I am hung-up on..."how do I look?" or "Crap...I think my lips are dry and need Carmex!....or...."I know she is looking at me and thinking this-or-that." Pretty shallow huh? Sad..but true. Like I said, I at least tried to focus on them. I am learning that I am just as selfish as my alcoholic is in so many ways. How can I expect to make new friends in our new area (we just moved last May) when I am so focused on him?
A note on Thanksgiving. This one will be interesting. My parents, my sister and her 3 kids (ages 9, 2, and 4) are all going to stay with us since we moved and now have space for everyone. Now that I am having an awakening of sorts...I wonder if many crazy words will get said between my Dad and I. He seems to ruin most meals, holidays, conversations, etc...with his obsession over money and his negative outlook on life. Then I watch my Mom cater to him and run herself ragged to please everyone. All the while, my spouse is pacing the room like a caged animal waiting for the next "appropriate" opportunity to get drunk while they are here. Lately...it doesn't even have to be appropriate-(Like a neighbor calling to invite him over to watch a football game.) When I watch from the outside...my mom and dad interacting...I see me and my spouse through and through. Yeah..maybe my dad doesn't have the alcoholism, but he is an angry sad bitter old man. He wants everyone to listen to him rant on about today's economy, etc...
Oh...the Holidays....my resolutions for this week are:
- When my mom or dad become negative....walk away or grab the kids to start playing a game, etc...Most adults in my family loathe true playtime with kids...(including me...) so it should be an interesting attempt.
- When my husband gets negative or starts drinking, try to find the positive in our beautiful 4-year-old.
- Try to get outside (if it's warm enough...) and take those interested for a walk or to play at the nearby park.
Try to focus on family and try to lovingly detach from spouse when needed. I still don't know what this means..."loving detachment?" Whenever I try....he gets mad and I get some sort of attitude...then I get mad...then guilty...then sad...and repeat the cycle. Did any of you do this at the beginning of recovery. Just curious...how many of you out there found true peace and recovered on your own - perhaps...with the help of your higher power - while your S.O. was still drinking? Just need some hope I guess... Well, gotta get rest....my family also wakes up at 6:00 daily...so I need to save up on sleep tonight. Wow...I just noticed that it's already 12:31 a.m. So much for getting to bed early. They're coming tomorrow and I still have to clean the bathrooms, and do lots of last minute cleaning. Why do I always wait until last minute anyway? I kill myself off...then put on the Little-Miss-Sunshine face until I drop a day later.
I do wish all of you a Happy - Safe - Peaceful Thanksgiving.