About a month ago...actually it was Inauguration Day. My MAC powerbook died. It is only 2 1/2 years old. I was reading an al-anon blog and it just died. I took it to the MAC store and they plugged it into their disk repair and tried to locate my hard drive...but no luck. They told me to try to reinstall my hard drive using the original 2 DVDs that the computer came with. I tried and got to step 11 out of 12 and got the spinning wheel. Went back to the MAC store and begged for help again....they handed me 2 cards with names of DATA RECOVERY people. I really don't have anything on the computer....except 8,000 photos! My husband thinks that this is why it died. Luckily...I backed up most of the photos on Shutterfly...but now...I'll have to pay them to develop the pictures, but at least I'll still have them.
Life here is pretty much the same. I am going to try and savor what is left of this year before heading back to full time next year...or at least subbing close to full time. I am going to "TRY" to focus on ME and CLEM only. I am joining a new gym tomorrow and will try to keep the focus off HIM. I am starting to get that I cannot just wait and pray (hope) and wish for all to change...all the while...I'm drowning in HIM.
Clark has been closer to me and "family stuff" as he got bad news last week. See...he is a runner...yeah I know...you're thinking....an alcoholic athlete? yes...it does happen. Anyway, he told me he hasn't been running in the last few months because his knee was hurting and even his hip. Then he went in (2nd time to a doctor in 18 years!...so I knew he must be in pain) and had an x-ray of his hip and an MRI of his knee. It showed that he does have a torn medial meniscus and can have a scope procedure on his knee. They also told him that he has some arthritis in his knee. OK...now for the kicker....he needs a HIP REPLACEMENT! He is barely 41! The doctor said it was probably something he was born with or....an old football injury and that it was not from running. So he has been a little more attentive (well...he is sad about his own health...) to us....which helped me see what a mess I am.
For the last few weeks he hasn't drank...since he went to a family party (for his best friend's mother that was turning 73) drunk! I mean DRUNK! It was the first time that his 2 worlds collided! See usually he hurts Clem and I. His friends and his alcohol stay separate from his family. He will drink with buddies, but Clem rarely sees him drunk. Well...he got the news of the hip replacement and did what soothes him...called his drunk friend and they went to lunch. A 6 hour drinking lunch. Then...he knew he HAD to show up to this party...and I thought...go ahead...let everyone see you like this. It was so sad and quite embarrassing. Clem and I ended up leaving him there and came home early...after he attempted to carry Clem on his shoulders and started weaving with her. I handed out more of my vague bottomless threats the next morning and he hasn't drank since...not from my threats. Actually...it wasn't a threat...it was...wow...you need serious help...or I won't continue to stay in this mess. I know he will NOT get help...nor am I prepared to leave right now. I see him (and me) spiraling out of control in almost every area of his life. This is where my sickness comes in....
I am a mess watching this "car-wreck" but am sickly hoping his "Bottom" is near and that he will find help. Meanwhile, I am more focused on him now more than ever! I am promising all of you (even though I don't really know any of you) that I will attend an al-anon meeting and try to find a sponsor. Oh...and guy who told me about my "Sad Self" and gave me other choice words...if you are reading this...it makes you just as sad....I choose to be here and I choose to be in my marriage....I am not a victim. I don't rant-on to friends or others I know-all about my problems...that would be out of the "norm" for this Little Miss Sunshine....and frankly...this is currently my only outlet to all of it. Thank you Syd, Cat, Steve, Annette, Caroline, Willow, Philly and others for checking-in on me. All of you are like my family. Even though...just like with my own family...I isolate and try to do it alone. I am a work in progress.
Tonight...I almost caved and told Clark about my blog. Secretly...it is so he can see that I am writing about what a mess he is to others. "Yes...I do realize...I am sick...because it is all about him...yuck! I almost caved...but didn't. I think because as sick as this sounds....my blog is all that I have to myself...that he hasn't ruined...so for the time being...I will keep it private from him. Oh..and for the record...I am NOT writing about him on my blog...ok...maybe a sprinkle here and there...but this blog is NOT about him...it needs to be about ME.
P.S.-Right now...I am typing this post on my husband's Toshiba PC. I am such a PC novice and I can't stand the clickety-clacking of his keyboard right now. Hopefully, I'll complete our taxes soon and buy that new MAC that is sooo dreamy! By the way....my old Mac would be softly typing the letters and the keyboard would be glowing like the moonlight....AHHHH....
12 years ago
