Sunday, November 9, 2008

Roller-Coaster Ride Anyone?


Wow...what a lazy weekend. Basically, I did not leave the house since Friday evening. Only to step out onto the deck for a moment today. It was freezing here all weekend! The cool thing is...that all of us were together all weekend. Me...the co-dependent that I am...A perfect day to me is: A clean house, laundry done & put away, clean sheets on the beds, checkbook balanced and all 3 of us together in my little controlled world. Yes....he watched tons of football and drank #? (ok...I'll admit...I was counting...9 beers since Saturday morning-not his usual quota). Overall, a very laid-back weekend.

Finally, I got it together and cooked 2 meals this weekend. I like to cook...but this disease of watching out for my alcoholic is so exhausting...I do tend to be fairly scattered in my thoughts and can't even decide which restaurant we should go to...how can I possibly think about ingredients and preparing a meal? Remember...I am just now beginning to "see the light."
However, Saturday I made shrimp havarti, crab legs, roasted mushrooms, Cesar-Salad and pasta. Tonight, we had grilled cheese sandwiches and chili. It was nice to NOT have to head out to a restaurant...which we usually do...not to mention the dollars saved.

Throughout the weekend though....I still can't help but think that I am getting back on the roller-coaster. We were together...well just occupying the same space... this weekend, but he still made several phone calls and seemed to be his usual "caged-animal self." He called our old drinking-neighbor M. I'm sure he was trying to "muster-up" someone to go out with-to get in his quota (how he needs to get fully drunk every weekend).

Everyone must have been busy...so lucky me...he chose us this weekend. (How sad this sounds).

See...my hubby is not the alcoholic that is content to stay home with his family and get drunk...(not that this would be any easier...just easier in my sick mind of control) He...on-the-other-hand... likes to be away from me/our daughter/responsibilities when he is drinking.

This could be:
  • at a bar
  • at a friend's house watching a football game
  • just going to have "a" cocktail
  • with an old friend in from out-of-town
  • going to after-work functions
  • helping someone to do "something"
  • JUST PLAIN AWAY!
That's the thing with this disease that I am having the hardest time with...I am a planner...a controller of situations (or so I think). So, even though he was home, I knew something would soon follow...the other shoe would drop... and he would be off....to leave me to my own devices. My own worst device...FEAR.
  • FEAR of a DUI-How has this man driven drunk every weekend for 20 years and never received one?
  • FEAR of him killing himself or others in a car accident.
  • Fear of getting to be sleep-deprived as I wait for him to roll in.
  • FEAR of lying in bed with that "gut-wrenching" anxiety until he makes it home.
  • FEAR of the "phone-call"...you know the one...when he says he will either be home soon (already it's 1:00 a.m.) or that he cannot drive home and will stay at J.'s house.
  • FEAR of losing it all to his alcoholism...all the material possessions...our new home, my new car, having to go back to work full-time to support myself and our daughter if he's gone?
  • FEAR of my daughter losing her Father whom she dearly adores.
  • FEAR of my husband meeting someone in a bar and having an affair.
  • FEAR of losing him. Then...when he walks in at 2:00 a.m....and...suddenly...
ANGER replaces the FEAR. Only to repeat this cycle all over again.
I wait...I wonder...which weekend will it happen? The usual cycle is once a month. The hardest part is the "not knowing?" when....I know this sounds morbid...but I compare it to hearing planes which fly over our house often. Each time one seems to be flying low or seems extremely close...I listen...I fear...will this one hit the house? It's like that with him...I have no control over when and if it will happen. This...I have come to finally recognize.

Last year...when my parents were here for Thanksgiving, they had just arrived from out-of-town (they live 5 hours away). We were making pizza the night before Thanksgiving day. He got off work at noon and went out with a coworker (his alcoholic best friend) to drink. I kept calling and got the dreaded "no answer" . He is famous for the no-answer when he is drinking, which is so aggravating....so finally, we ate the pizza without him.

He came home at 7:30-totally drunk in front of my parents. He says hello and then proudly announces that he is going to bed-at 8:00 p.m.! He stumbles into the bedroom and passes out. I guess I'm fearing that this will happen all over again! Then, I get to deal with the words/looks/disapproval that will come flying from my parents-You know...the dysfunctional parents-a big part in why I chose my husband and why I have stayed so long....

Can you say AL-ANON anyone? I know you're thinking..."This girl is nutzo!" I know I am. These obsessions/fears and me trying to control are driving me crazy. I love what I hear from all of you and I like what I've seen so far in Al-anon. I want the calm/serenity that so many of you have...I know in my head how to get it...but it's not yet in my heart. It is not yet a daily way of living. I am beginning to see things differently though. So...please forgive me...if I'm ranting about him...I am trying to bring the focus back to ME. This is why I cannot wait for this week's meeting.

I'm ready to get off this roller-coaster or better yet...I don't ever want to get on the ride again.

9 comments:

Annette said...

Oh Love, You don't sound "nutso." You sound like a wife who is married to an alcoholic whom she loves and she has lost her way in taking care of herself. In knowing she is powerless over whatever her husband does. Its ok to be where you are, for it is in that place, the place where you currently find yourself, that you will find new life, new freedom, and new ways of doing things. Keep coming back! ((hug))

PS: ***Me...the co-dependent that I am...A perfect day to me is: A clean house, laundry done & put away, clean sheets on the beds, checkbook balanced and all 3 of us together in my little controlled world.***

LOL, this describes my perfect day too. However, I have learned to be happy when things aren't as described. But truly deep down, that is my preference.

Caper said...

Annette,

Thank you...I needed that. Just reading your words has calmed my restless spirit. I'm glad I'm not alone. I will continue on the path. Thanks again Annette.

One Prayer Girl said...

All I can say is I can identify.

Hope lies in the Alanon program - having a sponsor and using her, working the 12 steps, trying to bring the focus to myself, detaching with love, learning to love myself, acceptance, all the things I've learned in Alanon.

One day at a time, bit by bit, things get better if you keep working at it.

God bless and prayers coming your way.

Jess Mistress of Mischief said...

Darlin' you do sound insane, but that's ok, because that's how we all got here and found each other!

It's amazing the lengths that God will go to get us to see that He's there holding on when we just can't seem to.

Your post made me remember (in my gut) the feelings I used to have like that... those gut wrenching waiting for the other shoe to drop feelings that kept me from sleeping, drove me to bi-polar diagnosis and large quantities of anti-anxiety meds and depression meds, drinking, suicidal thoughts and actions...

I let that spirit drive my bus for years (too many to enumerate) and THANK GOD! I found an alcoholic who drove me to Alanon where I found the message of hope and recovery which then drove me on to AA and allowed me to more fully recover (I have now recovered a working relationship with the Spirit of the Universe (Christ for me, others have different ideas of God) and I cannot believe how my life has changed...

I'm like the reverse of a country song...Got my husband back, my dog back, my home back, my job back, my life back... I am living a blessed blessed life.

Thank God for those who showed me the way, and thank God I was willing to do anything the suggested (my most powerful tool was my desperation and willingness through that desperation).

Thanks for your post, it was good to connect with that old spirit knowing that it was removed and I have a new Spiritual Connection that actually works and moves me...and be reminded once again that I'm swimming in the solution!

God bless!

Wait. What? said...

I totally get this - I know this I have lived this - it seemed like when my family came into town my husband would choose those moments to be on his worste behavior and my embaresment over the situation was extreem.

The idea of our husband's setteling for us when we know they would rather be out with another drunk and their precious bottle of choice - Oh how I know this feeling and I am pained just remembering it all.

I am here if you need me - just hollar.

Cat

Anonymous said...

I dont think your nuts at all, just a strong woman trying to cope with an extraordinary situation. I'd be the last to tell you how to cope, and you are coping but it comes back to basics 'accept what you cant change' you cant change him only your reactions so do the best to keep your own life full...

and oh the mental exhaustion from going around and around with your worries.. I smile about your parents, I have a pair like that... god could it have turned out any other way I ask myself...smile

glad ur getting to meetings as they can be brilliantly supportive.. I used to think, just for today I will do one thing for my own peice of mind and I built on that. hang in there girl...Abz...x

Syd said...

Caper, it's the insanity of alcohol that made me crazy. I've been where you are. It took me many years to hit my bottom and when I did, I really hit hard. You aren't alone and will find your story told over and over again in Al-Anon. I hope that you keep going to meetings and as Jess said, get a sponsor, call her, work the steps and learn to detach from the alcoholic. A good sponsor is someone that you can call when you feel the fears. A good sponsor will help you to get back on track. I am thankful for the sponsor who helped me to get where I am today. I'm a long way from perfect but I am much happier than I have ever been.

Mary P Jones (MPJ) said...

I am finally here paying you a visit! I know that cycle of fear turning into anger so well. Glad you are here and sharing.

Ms Hen's said...

Hi:

I grew up in an alcoholic home. I then dated a man who grew up in the type of home and we had two children.

I did not marry him.

I married a man that over drank too much but he did cut back. I set his limit at 6 beers and he agreed. (I'm not sure he is or was a true alcholic.

I divorced. But I dated an alcoholic for 2 years in my early forties.

I now dated someone who came from an alcoholic home.

It seems like I'm either with an alcoholic or someone that grew up in such a home that has NO RECOVERY.

I'm now at 47 in Al-Anon for 17 months....and I grew and ended this relationship with the man I've been dated that grew up in such a home. He turned 55 (today-Christmas EVE). He did get an engagement ring 3 weeks.. but I turned it down. He only got it since I ended things.

And I owe to ending it due to Al-Anon......I'm tired of trying to fix each alcoholics or children of alcoholics that have too MANY ISSUES like I used too.

YOU are NOT ALONE with your stories...... It was scary dating or being married to men that would drink too much and I would be scared how we would get home from places; or having to sleep at people homes that I felt uncomfortable since they were big drinkers and sometimes the couples got into arguments due to the drinking. It all felt Surreal.

I feel Recovered Now.......... I'm so serene; serenity is possible I heard whether you stay with the alcoholic or NOT. I'm not sure I could be serene living with an alcoholic.

MY 23 year old daughter is one; and I asked her to move out at 21..... (had to go to court too).. once she was that age I had enough to be honest.

Life is serene now; and I'm making better choices.

Keep going to meetings; everyone has to find their own way; everyone has to make their own choices; .......but keep going; .....keep coming back.

I do phone meetings too............Eastern time ones at 1-712-432-8733 ext 52639#
Every day (7 days a week)at 8PM
Monday to Sat. (6 days) at NOON

Saturday at 8am and 4pm too.(beside noon and 8 pm)

Sunday at 8 am 11 am (besides the 8 pm one)

I keep on speaker sometimes and listen and do not share; other times I share. Some meetings I hear what I want; other times I don't feel anything was worthy.

I do service and chair one meeting a week.... which has been rewarding too.

Good LUCK.