Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Still Here...

About a month ago...actually it was Inauguration Day. My MAC powerbook died. It is only 2 1/2 years old. I was reading an al-anon blog and it just died. I took it to the MAC store and they plugged it into their disk repair and tried to locate my hard drive...but no luck. They told me to try to reinstall my hard drive using the original 2 DVDs that the computer came with. I tried and got to step 11 out of 12 and got the spinning wheel. Went back to the MAC store and begged for help again....they handed me 2 cards with names of DATA RECOVERY people. I really don't have anything on the computer....except 8,000 photos! My husband thinks that this is why it died. Luckily...I backed up most of the photos on Shutterfly...but now...I'll have to pay them to develop the pictures, but at least I'll still have them.

Life here is pretty much the same. I am going to try and savor what is left of this year before heading back to full time next year...or at least subbing close to full time. I am going to "TRY" to focus on ME and CLEM only. I am joining a new gym tomorrow and will try to keep the focus off HIM. I am starting to get that I cannot just wait and pray (hope) and wish for all to change...all the while...I'm drowning in HIM.

Clark has been closer to me and "family stuff" as he got bad news last week. See...he is a runner...yeah I're alcoholic athlete? does happen. Anyway, he told me he hasn't been running in the last few months because his knee was hurting and even his hip. Then he went in (2nd time to a doctor in 18 years! I knew he must be in pain) and had an x-ray of his hip and an MRI of his knee. It showed that he does have a torn medial meniscus and can have a scope procedure on his knee. They also told him that he has some arthritis in his knee. for the kicker....he needs a HIP REPLACEMENT! He is barely 41! The doctor said it was probably something he was born with old football injury and that it was not from running. So he has been a little more attentive (well...he is sad about his own health...) to us....which helped me see what a mess I am.

For the last few weeks he hasn't drank...since he went to a family party (for his best friend's mother that was turning 73) drunk! I mean DRUNK! It was the first time that his 2 worlds collided! See usually he hurts Clem and I. His friends and his alcohol stay separate from his family. He will drink with buddies, but Clem rarely sees him drunk. Well...he got the news of the hip replacement and did what soothes him...called his drunk friend and they went to lunch. A 6 hour drinking lunch. Then...he knew he HAD to show up to this party...and I thought...go ahead...let everyone see you like this. It was so sad and quite embarrassing. Clem and I ended up leaving him there and came home early...after he attempted to carry Clem on his shoulders and started weaving with her. I handed out more of my vague bottomless threats the next morning and he hasn't drank since...not from my threats. wasn't a need serious help...or I won't continue to stay in this mess. I know he will NOT get help...nor am I prepared to leave right now. I see him (and me) spiraling out of control in almost every area of his life. This is where my sickness comes in....

I am a mess watching this "car-wreck" but am sickly hoping his "Bottom" is near and that he will find help. Meanwhile, I am more focused on him now more than ever! I am promising all of you (even though I don't really know any of you) that I will attend an al-anon meeting and try to find a sponsor. Oh...and guy who told me about my "Sad Self" and gave me other choice words...if you are reading makes you just as sad....I choose to be here and I choose to be in my marriage....I am not a victim. I don't rant-on to friends or others I know-all about my problems...that would be out of the "norm" for this Little Miss Sunshine....and frankly...this is currently my only outlet to all of it. Thank you Syd, Cat, Steve, Annette, Caroline, Willow, Philly and others for checking-in on me. All of you are like my family. Even though...just like with my own family...I isolate and try to do it alone. I am a work in progress.

Tonight...I almost caved and told Clark about my blog. is so he can see that I am writing about what a mess he is to others. "Yes...I do realize...I am sick...because it is all about him...yuck! I almost caved...but didn't. I think because as sick as this blog is all that I have to myself...that he hasn't for the time being...I will keep it private from him. Oh..and for the record...I am NOT writing about him on my blog...ok...maybe a sprinkle here and there...but this blog is NOT about needs to be about ME.

P.S.-Right now...I am typing this post on my husband's Toshiba PC. I am such a PC novice and I can't stand the clickety-clacking of his keyboard right now. Hopefully, I'll complete our taxes soon and buy that new MAC that is sooo dreamy! By the old Mac would be softly typing the letters and the keyboard would be glowing like the moonlight....AHHHH....

Friday, January 9, 2009

I'm so tired of writing about sadness and my life with an alcoholic.   I'm sure this is why I truly need al-anon.      During the week...I just seem to go through the week as I find excuses to NOT go to an al-anon meeting.    Here are just a few...
  •'s so uncomfortable to sit with strangers when I want to be home in my warm and toasty house.   
  • I don't have the energy to go.
  • I would rather work on meeting with a counselor one-on-one and just read my al-anon books at home to get the encouragement that I need.
  • How will any possible stranger really "get" my situation and how I feel like I cannot divorce my husband due to many reasons.   I'm afraid that once I find a sponsor...they will look at me like..."what the heck are you doing with this guy?"
  • My fear of opening up and speaking in front of others about uncomfortable feelings...
OK...there...I said them...just some of my excuses for NOT desiring al-anon...even though I know I need it in a bad way.

Today was Friday.    It was cold and windy here.    Clementine really opened my eyes to what she really "gets" about this whole alcoholism thing and her father.   See...I have tried to shelter her from what I can.    Also...I do not talk negatively about Clark.    However, I'm sure she can see how I am sad and how I react ( or rather how I freeze and become numb...) when he gets ready to go out every weekend.       I know I sound like a broken record...but...

He went out last night until 11 p.m. and watched the last big bowl game on TV with a friend.   My alcohol meter in me guessed that he had drank around 5-6 beers.   Today...he announced that his best friend J. (2 peas-in-a-pod alcoholic friend) would be taking him out for lunch today as his birthday is tomorrow.   

Ah...I knew J. would try to get another drunken something out of him for his birthday.  I know I shouldn't have anger towards J...but I can't help but blame him too.?

Today...I really trusted him when he said he would just be going out for lunch and he'd be home.   I should have known.   He said he would pick up J.   Why would he have to pick up J. when J. was taking him out?   Ah Ha!   Because J. has an alcohol device on his car and cannot drive it when he drinks.    I felt as if I was "Punked" again.   Like Ashton Kutcher would appear at any moment!

Around 3:00, after picking up Clem from preschool, he called to say he would be home soon.   Oh...this is when the anger starts to nervously simmer in me.    What came next I could not believe....My 4 year old Clementine announces:

"Mommy, let's just go to a movie or something.   That way when we are at the movies we won't think about the know the alcohol that daddy is drinking?"

Wow!  I don't think I took a breath for a couple of minutes on that one.   We ended up going home (not to a movie) as it was very windy and starting to snow.    

At home the usual ensued as I tried to not let it bother me that he was still not home from his "lunch."    Clementine and I ended up renting a movie from Digital Cable...Tinkerbell.   I can't even remember any of it?    

Then around 7:30 (that's only a 6 hour drinking lunch...) he drove into the garage.  When the garage door opened, Clem ran over to me in a scared way. Why?   She hasn't witnessed only a few ugly exchanges between us over 4 years.   But yet...she gets it...she gets it all!   I  know she feels fear and anxiety and instinctively knows something is off.    

She and I went to bed (that's also what happens when he reeks terribly from drinking....he gets sent to the guest room.     It was so sad...he staggered in.   Said hello.   Went to change his clothes.     Actually asked if I wanted him to say prayers with us.   He could hardly talk....  Each night we say prayers with Clementine as we tuck her in bed.     

Clem and I read books for around 30 minutes...then she started crying...I asked what was wrong?   She just said, "I don't know why?  I'm just sad."   She said she wanted Daddy to sleep with us to.     I asked her to go ask him.   Oh course he had passed out already and she couldn't wake him.   More tears.     

My prayer for tonight...God, please give me strength and help me find a new way of living.   Amen.

On a good note....I think?   I have joined a Gym for 1 month.    I am set to have a trainer work with me 3 days a week for a month.   I am to weigh-in on Monday and have my fat tested/caliper thing done...Fun....I requested a female and got a male (named Chaz)  Are you kidding?  I thought...   Poor guy. is a start.    So tomorrow...I will probably go eat a hamburger, fries and a milkshake for good measure.   I feel like I'm shipping out to be on Biggest Loser.      I just wish I could lose the 30 pounds that I need to lose in 1 week only... like the guy on Biggest Loser did last week.    

I will try to be happy and positive tomorrow on Clark's 41st birthday.     It will be hard.    I am struggling lately with my faith.    Is God testing my faith?     Should I be treating Clark with forgiveness over and over and act like nothing is wrong when everything is?     I know God is waiting for me to turn over all of it to HIM....why do I do this with my head...but not my heart?     

Hope all of you are snug in your warm beds....if you can...please say a little prayer for my family tonight.    God Bless.

Friday, January 2, 2009

Hello everyone.

Things actually turned out quite well tonight.    We took Clementine to K.'s house around 6:30 and went to dinner at 7:00.   We shared a great Pinot Noir with I probably had 2 glasses.    Dinner was excellent.   We even drove back into the city and drove down our old block where we lived for 14 years.    It was our first house... and the home we brought Clementine home to as a it has special meaning in our hearts.    Then we drove and picked up Clementine around 9:30.     She was still up and playing Connect 4 with K.  I did break our contract with each other- (meaning that we did pick up Clem and drove home after Clark had nearly 2 glasses of wine.     Thankfully, we only had to drive a little over a block from our neighbors that were watching her.     Dinner was calm and we did have a great time.     Thank you those of you that commented.    I'm better now and plan to have a sweet day tomorrow.     Clark did tell me as we were driving tonight that "you are really beautiful..."   Wow, just as I blogged about how I felt down and under appreciated....I received those nice words.     God is in control and I will focus on this tonight.     

On a sad note....I just saw on TV that John Travolta's son was found dead....It brings you back to living in the here-and-now and in the moment.    One just never knows.    What a heartache for the family.     I cannot imagine.   I am also sending out love to JeNN at What Now?    Her daughter Annie would have turned 27 tomorrow as we share the same birthday.    What an awesome girl with a special mom with unlimited love.   I pray that she will have a peaceful day.    
Take Care and Have a Great Day everyone.   Thank you for letting me rant earlier.    Sometimes a girl's just gotta get things out.    Goodnight.

Hello again blog friends...

I don't think I've blogged 2 days in a row...who knows?   I may continue the roll.    I am in a real funk today....I am hanging onto my blog friends too tightly I believe.   As I get further sucked into the blogworld and further depressed about my own reality....I tend to have a hopefulness when I read a comment-my codie comrades.   Anyway...this is one thought today.    

Also...I am now officially a FACEBOOK drop-out....and started only 2 weeks ago.   I was invited to blog by my Aunt L. and invited by my friend K. and blogfriend C.    So I got on it...then I started to feel like High School again....looking at how many friends were listed on other's sites that I visited...and especially my sad.   I even started inviting a few of you...and really...I don't really know you....but then all know more about the "REAL" me than most of our friends that we regularly socialize with...

Then, the vulnerability came lashing in....I didn't want others to know the real me unless it was safe with blogfriends like yourselves.   See....I don't want friends & neighbors to link me with the real unhappiness that I seem to be in currently.   I am only comfortable with the Little Miss Sunshine persona for them.   Ya know what I mean?    Smiling and not letting them know the real me....I started getting panicky as I viewed others pictures and saw their kids picts too. I will walk through fire for my precious daughter and I just don't want anyone to connect the 2 or see my daughter.    There are real freaks out there and I just feel I need protection right now.   So I abruptly ended my Facebook.     Maybe in 2009, I will grow and learn to use it.    I am still learning about this blogging thing right now, so this will be my only technological adventure for now.    So to you in the Facebook land, sorry for letting you down....but as you is my life and my recovery.    

OK....I'm a little hopped up on coffee and the Fiona Apple Get Gone song right now.    I've had a very sad morning.   Clark took Clementine to one of those Bounce-lands for kids.   He informed me that a BIG 12 game would be starting at 1:00 so he would be back soon.   Football has been blaring for a week.    And no relief in sight until January 8...when his team will play....So I am left to blog in quiet.  YEAH!   I have been singing loudly Get Gone out loud and probably becoming a little too comfortable with the "Fuckin Go!"  part.   

Would you like to hear about the crazy morning?   Unlike my guys will listen and even though I seek your approval (in true codie fashion) I can say here goes the morning...

Clark woke and took Clementine downstairs.   He made Carrot/Clementine (how fitting...ya know the little oranges?) grapefruit juice.   We received a juicer for Christmas and have tried it out several times now.   I have "quite the glow" from all the carrots I've ingested over the past few days.   Anyway, I stayed upstairs to shower.   When I came down....I simply asked him if we could go out tonight (for my birthday dinner) instead of tomorrow tomorrow is forecasted to bring freezing rain/drizzle to the area and I would rather be home.     We have a friend watching Clementine, so I needed to call her and ask if tonight would work. In "His True Fashion" of NOT being able to make any sort of decision...of any matter how small....he said...I think you are radiating this "thing" or attitude I don't know.   I replied, "well since you seem quite angry, I don't think I want to spend time with you.....He replied..." can go by yourself!"   I sat, read the paper, sulked, tried to Al-Anon myself and not give him my energy....he (like usual) tried to just keep making the juice-pretending like nothing had just happened...I tried to drink my coffee...but a flood of sadness just came over me!   I ran upstairs and sat in the bathroom sobbing for a good half an hour.  I think the walls are coming in on me....It's all seeming like so much to handle!   I know I should be posting a "Today, I am grateful for..." But I feel like a PMS crabby B today.    So instead...I am thinking about:

  • turning 40 tomorrow
  • wrinkles are becoming more abundant and rapidly showing up everywhere on my face.   My years of no sunscreen and living on the lakes are catching up with me.
  • I am out-of-shape...cellulite is NOT my friend.
  • I drank 2 glasses of wine myself on New Year's Eve (I hadn't drank since Nov. 16) Not sure why? After all, I don't have a problem with alcohol...except dealing with the effects from my husband's drinking.   But I was trying to NOT drink....since I have lived/am living the devastating effects of Clark's drinking.   So I feel I've let myself down.   But today....I am feeling very vulnerable and like I could easily drink a bottle of Shiraz or a good Pinot myself....maybe even 2 bottles!    It's just one of those days.
  • I feel totally unappreciated and unloved
  • I haven't had sex since last May...and even though I badly crave it...I will refuse Birthday know...that would be giving in to my desperation and all that makes me intensely sad too.    
  • I feel "not so beautiful"   - I am remembering the past today...See I did some modeling for the company I worked for when I was around 21.  I even had some swimsuit shots.  Not bragging...but I had a great body-and even ran a few 10K's, rode my mountain bike and worked out often....but now I am 20-30 pounds overweight and have a bad ankle that still hurts-even to walk on...  Clark tells me the "it's not's him."   And I suppose that "jerking-off" to porn each night is less of a hassle than dealing with me....Sorry...had to go there!
  • We are in debt that I refuse to face any longer alone-I so want Clark to take some responsibility.  Doesn't he care enough that his wife has a "charging problem"?  After all, he is the only one with an income.   I swear I could be on an episode of  "DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES" However, I don't watch the show.   
Anyway...I sat bawling locked in the bathroom....Clementine kept coming up to say...Daddy has juice for you Mommy....or she put her mouth (gross...I know...but heah, she's only 4) on the doorknob and proudly told me that she was breathing into the door to let me know that she was there....then that broke my heart and I cried even more.   

Finally, I got myself together (swollen eyes and all) and came back downstairs.   She told me that she was on "my side and Daddy's side." flood gates again!    Clark apologized and said he didn't mean that he didn't want to go out with me but that I was not in the best mood.    I called the babysitter and made plans for tonight.     We will go to our favorite place where we have been only 2 other times.   It's way too expensive for a regular night out.   We enjoyed this restaurant on Clark's 20 year class reunion night will some of his high school friends and right when school was out the year I put in for my 2 year leave.    He had just returned from San Antonio for a business trip.     We love this restaurant and how they seem to have true professionals for servers.    I am craving crab and Clark will probably get a filet.  

Let me first tell you, my blog friends...that Clark and I RARELY go out (just the 2 of us).    I would say only 10 times total in 4 and 1/2 years since Clementine was born.  She is fine being away from us and even loves it....but...Clark has made it apparent that he chooses alcohol over both of us 98% of the time.    He usually chooses alcohol and alcoholic friends over me and Clementine anyday of the week.....So when a night arises like is almost "too much pressure" for it to be fun!   He said he wouldn't drink so I could tonight (see, I won't drink and drive with Clementine in the car...and since we need to take her to our friend's house and then back home....1 of us has to be sober.)   Well...that's no fun either....cause I know he will really want a drink....

Then we will go out for a nice dinner and I will feel uncomfortable with him.   Because I have all this pent-up frustration of not-EVER being able to talk to him or share feelings and live the wrath of alcohol.   I really want to hold him hostage and tell him all my thoughts without him walking away or tuning out.  Since December 23, he has gone out 5 nights with his SINGLE friends over the holidays and drove home plastered each and every one of those 5 nights at 2:00-3:00 a.m.! (mind you he is a week away from turning 41....can anyone say "GROW UP!")   

But on my's just the facts ma' your food wife ...drink your wine wife ...pick up child...put child and wife to bed.....stay up and drink myself (awe-this is when Clark truly unwinds) football....view porn....Happy Birthday Wife!!!  This is what his view will be and this is what will happen.    So I find myself already let-down.     Sorry...I know I am a Negative Nelly and that I need recovery in a bad way.....I just want to get the 3rd over with.     (maybe I'll blog tonight if it doesn't go too well and I'm sad-sorry....I am also a little self-absorbed today...I can't help it.

Just curious everyone out there.....??? How many of you who are NOT alcoholics and are married to ACTIVE alcoholics or ALCOHOLICS in RECOVERY still socially drink?  

 I find that I always have to be the sober one that can be responsible for our daughter and drive when needed.   I only drink around 4 to 5 times a year...and I feel the need to GET DRUNK tonight!   I'm sure it will only make me feel worse.....I just feel that he has taken SOOOOO MUCH from me already...and now I cannot have a glass of wine without feeling guilty about it either!   Damn you alcoholics!!!

Thursday, January 1, 2009

     As I reflect over the last year...I can definitely relate to my life in songs.   The music and the lyrics just seem to resonate in me.     Most are what many might think are "downers", but as I recover...I can't just fake like its been "ham-and-jam" all year.    I'm posting the 12 songs that I see myself in.    

You might notice that the last 2 songs are getting more upbeat and the lyrics seem to be based toward recovery....this is because I didn't move into the "AWARENESS" mode until November.    However, I am still in the "awareness mode only" and will keep at it in day at a time.


When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down you face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes 
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

February 2007
Frail by Jars of Clay

Convinced of my deception
I've always been a fool
I fear this love reaction
Just like you said I would

A rose could never lie
About the love it brings
And I could never promise
To be any of those things


If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be...
I would be...
I would be...

Blessed are the shallow
Depth they'll never find
Seemed to be some comfort
In rooms I try to hide

Exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness
Your pain becomes my peace


Who's gonna tell you when
It's too late
Who's gonna tell you things
Aren't so great
You can't go on
Thinking nothings wrong
Who's gonna drive you home tonight

Who's gonna pick you up
When you fall
Who's gonna hang it up
When you call
Who's gonna pay attention
To your dreams
Who's gonna plug their ears
When you scream

You can't go on
Thinking nothings wrong
Who's gonna drive you home tonight

Who's gonna hold you down
When you shake
Who's gonna come around
When you break

You can't go on
Thinking nothing wrong
Who's gonna drive you home tonight

April 2007
In My Place-By Coldplay

In my place, in my place
Were lines that I couldn't change
I was lost, oh yeah

I was lost, I was lost
Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed
I was lost, oh yeah

Yeah, how long must you wait for him?
Yeah, how long must you pay for him?
Yeah, how long must you wait for him?

I was scared, I was scared
Tired and under prepared
But I wait for you

If you go, if you go
Leaving me here on my own
Well I wait for you

Yeah, how long must you wait for him?
Yeah, how long must you pay for him?
Yeah, how long must you wait for him?

Please, please, please
Come on and sing to me
To me, me

Come on and sing it out, out, out
Come on and sing it now, now, now
Come on and sing it

In my place, in my place
Were lines that I couldn't change
I was lost, oh yeah
Oh yeah

May 2007 
High and Dry
By Radiohead

(This song's lyrics don't necessarily connect...but it was the last month that Clark and I had this so fits!)

Two jumps in a week
I bet you think that's pretty clever don't you boy?
Flying on your motorcycle,
Watching all the ground beneath you drop
You'd kill yourself for recognition,
Kill yourself to never ever stop
You broke another mirror,
You're turning into something you are not

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

Drying up in conversation,
You will be the one who cannot talk
All your insides fall to pieces,
You just sit there wishing you could still make love
They're the ones who'll hate you
When you think you've got the world all sussed out
They're the ones who'll spit at you,
You will be the one screaming out

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

It's the best thing that you ever had,
The best thing that you ever, ever had
It's the best thing that you ever had,
The best thing you ever had has gone away

June 2007
by Smashing Pumpkins

I took my love, I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
til the landslide brought it down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, Ive been afraid of changing cause I've
Built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older, too

Well, Ive been afraid of changing cause I've
Built my life around you
Time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older, too
I get older, too

I took my love and took it down
I climbed a mountain, I turned around
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
The landslide brought it down
The landslide brought it down

July 2007
Stained Glass Masquerade
By Casting Crowns

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everythings okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

August 2007 
I Know 
by Fiona Apple

(I have thought Clark was having an affair numerous times...but have never proven this...Actually...I think his only true affair has been with alcohol.    So this song is still fitting...especially because I'm  always wait for him....

So be it, I'm your crowbar
If that's what I am so far
Until you get out of this mess
And I will pretend
That I don't know of your sins
Until you are ready to confess
But all the time, all the time
Ill know, Ill know
And you can use my skin
To bury secrets in
And I will settle you down
And at my own suggestion,
I will ask no questions
While I do my thing in the background
But all the time, all the time
Ill know, Ill know
Baby-i cant help you out, while shes still around
So for the time being, I'm being patient
And amidst this bitterness
If you ll just consider this-even if it don't make sense
All the time-give it time
And when the crowd becomes your burden
And you've early closed your curtains,
Ill wait by the backstage door
While you try to find the lines to speak your mind
And pry it open, hoping for an encore
And if it gets too late, for me to wait
For you to find you love me, and tell me so
Its ok, don't need to say it.

September 2007 
Valley Song 
by Jars of Clay

You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
On a back bruised, nearly broken
I'm crying out to you

I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

When death like a Gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek your face

But I fear you aren't listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger
For a faith that assures

Chorus x2

Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia

While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands
To cover the fatal cut

And though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down



Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia

Alleluia, alleluia alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia alleluia, alleluia

Chorus (4 Xs)

Oh, Lord sing of Your mercy,
Your mercy

October 2007 
Get Gone
By Fiona Apple

How many times do I have to say
To get away-get gone
Flip your shit past another lasses
Humble dwelling
You got your game, made your shot, and you got away
With a lot, but Im not turned-on
So put away that meat youre selling
Cuz I do know whats good for me-
And Ive done what I could for you
But youre not benefiting, and yet Im sitting
Singing again, sing, sing again
How can I deal with this, if he wont get with this
Mi gonna heal from this; he wont admit to it
Nothing to figure out; I gotta get him out
Its time the truth was out that he dont give a
Shit about me
How many times can it escalate
Till it elevates to a place I cant breathe?
And I must decide, if you must deride
That Im much obliged to up and go
Ill idealize, then realize that its no
Sacrifice, because the price is paid, and
Theres nothing left to grieve
Fuckin go-
Cuz Ive done what I could for you, and I do know whats
Good for me and Im not benefiting, instead
Im sitting singing again, singing again, singing again,
Sing, sing, sing again
How can I deal with this, if he wont get with this
Mi gonna heal from this; he wont admit to it
Nothing to figure out; I gotta get him out
Its time the truth was out that he dont give a
Shit about me

November 2007
If You Listen 
by Elizabeth Mitchell 

(This is the month that my "awareness" kicked in. It is a children's song that my daughter listens to...but so fitting...I couldn't find a You Tube for your viewing pleasure...but it's worth a preview if you can find one....The Lyrics Are:

If you listen, you can hear
birds sing and flowers grow
If you listen, you can hear
my love for you just grows
in the silence that surrounds
deep peace and love are found
in the days that will be here
my love will call you loud and clear
and in that silent place
where lonlieness is found
I'll wander through the open door to look for you
there in that magic place
that lies beyond the clouds
floating in a sea of dreams
I'll sing to you
If you listen
you can hear
birds sing and flowers grow
if you listen 
you can hear
my love for you just grows...

December - 2007 
Voice of Truth 
by Casting Crowns

(Sorry...this video is VERY CHEESY!  A slide-show project probably from some 13 year old kid in Sunday school, but the lyrics say it all.   I am finally hearing the Voice of Truth and starting to believe the inner voice....)

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. 'Boy, you'll never win!'
"You'll never win"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a Sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again "boy, you'll never win!
"You'll never win"

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

And that's all folks! My life in a year of songs.

Others that I really liked...but couldn't find videos for are: A Separate Reality by Ocean Blue...and George Michael's Waiting (Reprise) are perfect as well.    

Have a Happy and Peaceful New Year's Day.