Sunday, December 28, 2008

Honest Scrap

Thank you Cat for choosing me.    I'm about a month late on posting...but...I will try to put something together.   I just posted around an hour ago and I may as well stay up the rest of the night.   It is now 4:51 a.m.   YIKES!      Anyway...Here it goes...

1) I was a nanny for 6 months in Chicago roughly 20 years ago.   I lived near Michael Jordan and one day I rang his doorbell and met his wife (Juanita).   She mentioned that he no longer meets with people/neighbors.   But that he used to let kids in the neighborhood play basketball on his home-courts.   Oh course.....he no longer lives in this house and is now divorced.

2) I also nannied for a family on Cape Cod.   They were a Greek family that had ties to the Mafia of some sorts.   At times, I feared for my life and ended up flying home early.   It was a great experience though....It was the first time that I actually flew on an airplane (at age 21)  and that I saw the ocean for the first time.

3) I read PEOPLE magazine each Saturday morning (right after it is delivered to my mailbox).   I read it cover-to-cover in about 20 minutes  (its reading level is probably grade 2!)    I love every guilty minute of it!    I cannot stop.  It's one of my guilty pleasures.

4) I could eat Mexican Food at least 5 nights a week!   Chips & Salsa, a frozen margarita and a side of Guacamole would be my last meal ....if I had to choose...Oh the way...I had Mexican Food again tonight!

5) I have a public speaking phobia!   I am probably one of the most seemingly outgoing people you could meet.   Put me in a room of strangers and one-one-one I can go through the whole room and introduce myself and strike up conversations with anyone.   But....put me on the spot....or in a circle and ask me to introduce myself and tell a bit about me....I FREEZE....MY HEART-RATE rises...MY VOICE WILL EVEN START TO SHAKE!....It's crazy!     Probably the low-self-esteem thing rising to the surface.    I hope to get to the bottom of this by working the 12 steps this year.

6) I love to Shop and Spend Money!   It gives me a "high" probably much like an alcoholic gets when they drink.    When my husband gets paid....I pay all the bills and then balance the checkbook.   Then I rationalize what items I would like to buy for either Clementine, myself, or the house and then begin looking online or go the mall.    I usually feel guilty afterwards....see....we have 4 credit cards with SUBSTANTIAL BALANCES (to say the least)...but I end of shopping all over again.   My husband just got paid yesterday and today I went online and ordered snow pants and snow boots at Hanna Andersson for Clementine.   I also ordered a few birthday presents for her too.

7) I taught 1st Grade for 15 years at the same school.   My 2 year leave is about to expire in May.   I have to let them know if I will be going back by March.   I am hoping to just sub next year....but am worried about Clark's drinking progressing and wonder if I should go back full-time.    I also like structure and "not-knowing" where I will sub the next day until the morning-of is a bit unnerving.

8) I am a Christian who is constantly struggling with developing a relationship with Christ.    I am always seem to be "church shopping".   Just can't seem to find the right church...might be that "Not liking people thing...." continuing to follow me.     I am beginning to like people and not constantly judge them or try to measure myself up against them.

9) I always wanted to be  mother....even when I was little.   I always thought I would have at least 3 children.   Now...I have been begging Clark to get a vasectomy.   Having another child at 40 is doable for some...but not advisable to a Diabetic with only 1/2 of my pancreas left to do an Insulinoma tumor.

Since having that surgery in 2004, I am kind of like a car with hail-damage...Even though I was repaired...I have never been the same since!   I now have a rare gallbladder thing called biliary dyskensia.   I have had a dilation of my esophagus  due to an esophageal ring.    I have had a needle biopsy done on a tumor on my thyroid. was benign..    Then I fell down a flight of stairs and sprained my ankle so severely that I was in a cast for 6 weeks.   Oh yeah...I also had a severe reaction to something I ate and had to be rushed to the ER.   I looked like I had injected BOTOX all over my face!   Then severe hives came on and remained for about 4 months.   No cause was found for either of these things.    So as you can see...I have never been quite the same since surgery. I was so healthy before that and now wonder if many of these things ....even possibly the pancreatic tumor may have come on as a result of internalizing all my stress for years.

10) I took my first yoga class last year and loved it!   I was also introduced to the Netti-Nasal-Cleansing-Pot.    It's a little pot (like a tea-pot) only with a longer spout.   You put the spout in one nostril and pour in warm sea-salt water and Waalaah!  it goes up into your sinuses and comes out on the other side!  I do it weekly and once a day when I feel like I have a sinus infection coming on.   It took some practice...but now I'm a Netti-Pot-Pro!   I'm proud to say that I haven't had a sinus infection in 2 years!   May sound gross.....but....Good Things...Ha! Ha!

Sorry...but I don't read enough yet to keep up with who has received feel free to take part in this too...Happy 2009 to all of you.

Christmas 2008's 2:25 a.m. on early Sunday morning.    I have soooo much to be thankful for and know it.    However....I have to include 1 more negative post in 2008.     As I am not feeling anything right now other than sorrow....anger....and more towards my alcoholic husband.   See in the last 6 days, he has gone out....

  • December 22: His friend J.G. was in town from Texas....and in true fashion they went out. He came home very intoxicated at 1:30 a.m.

  • December 24: He called me from work at 2:00 p.m. to inform me that he was "just" going to his friend's J.K. for a "drink" and then he would be home.   I begged....I pleaded...Please, it's Christmas Eve....please don't do this tonight!     Around 8:30 p.m....After helping my 4 year old write a letter to Santa...put out cookies and milk...praying with her and tucking her into bed...he shows up....completely drunk.    

  • December 27: His friend J.M. was in town from California.   And in their true fashion, he went out.    I woke up at 1:30 with a panicky feeling as I heard sirens nearby.   I usually never hear sirens and suddenly had this sinking feeling that he may have been in an accident.    I called his cell answer...I called again at 2:00 a.m..he answered...said he was in the driveway and ready to pull into the garage.   He acted as if nothing was wrong...said they went to a bar and then to Burger King and then sat in Target's parking lot to eat their food, then he went his way and mine drove home drunk again....

Anymore...I react quite differently to his drinking than I used to 5 to 10 years ago.   I used to try to hunt him his cell phone relentlessly...yell and scream when he did arrive and then give him the silent treatment for a week.   Only to follow with a "serious" talk and he would agree with everything I said (this enraged me)....only for a short reprieve of his "crazy" late nights...for him to do it again approximately 1 month later.    Needless to say...his drinking has progressed.   

In the last 5 years...I pretty much go into "denial" mode just like him when he goes out to drink. However, I fret and worry as in the last year...his drinking has gotten way worse.    

 The 2008 standouts are:

1) He threw a rock at the window in an attempt to wake me up when he came home from his work's Christmas party drunk and couldn't get in the front door.   A van of 3 ladies sat out front waiting for him to get in.

2) He passed out in the driveway with his car running after returning home from the bar at 2:00 a.m.   It was February and freezing and snowing!    I wondered what to do?   If I went out to get him...would he "hit" the gas and run me over?   Or run into the garage?   All these thoughts were raging through my mind.   I remember being especially upset because I was still up frantically cleaning the house as it was to be put on the market the next day.   Our agent was to come by at 9:00 to look at the house.    What did I do?   I first went outside and took a picture of him...for evidence you know? (for what?  I don't know?)   Then I ran back inside...contemplated calling the police...then he suddenly stumbled in.

3) I got a call from a bar in a nearby college town.   The bartender had found my husband's cell phone and called me to say it had been left in the bar.   See...earlier that day my husband had set off with his true alcoholic friend for life J.K to head to the college football spring game. Not even sure it they made it to the game?   But got a call from his friend to tell me that they didn't know where their car was?    J.K's ex codie girlfriend drove an hour and a half to the hugely crowded game to find them and drive them home.   When they husband was peeing in the driveway and had to be helped into the house.

4) Not sure when it was...but he was passed out in bed and our 4 year old tried to wake him.   She stood crying saying that..."Mommy, why won't he wake up?"   She knew something was up because any other sober time...he would wake up within seconds and scoop her up and love her up!   He is quite careful to shield Clementine from his antics.   But lately...he can't do this as easily...

Now...these are just the "Stand-Outs"...However, every weekend in the last year has been filled with drunkenness in some way-shape-form.     He has even upped it to getting drunk a couple times a month in the middle of the week.     Also...a new thing for him is having alcohol in the house to drink 1 or 2 beers every night before he goes to bed.   A few years ago...we never had alcohol in the house unless we were having someone over for dinner.    

I am so freakin scared tonight.   I feel like everything near and dear to me could slip away at any moment.    He still works at the same job that he has been at for 23 years.   He makes a great salary...But... I see him getting more stressed about work and talking about the stress and the higher expectations that are being put on him...This only scares me that his drinking is affecting his work and some may be seeing this. only adds fuel to the weekend fire as he wants to escape work and get drunk.    I have put all my trust in this alcoholic that I dearly love in the last 2 years that I have not been teaching.   I have no salary.   I know that if he loses his job....we will lose this new beautiful home and possibly everything.   Will I find out that he is having an affair?    I know this goes right along with drinking and we are not close in the slightest....   I know all my fretting and worrying does me no good.    Just typing and telling you all helps me feel a little better.   

Back to Christmas Eve....Usually...I just wait up listening for the garage-door to open and for him to safely make it into the  house....but for some reason...(could it be that it was Christmas Eve?) that I was especially mad that he was out.     We both said  some real mean things to each other.'s easy for this codie to tell him all about his "Marquee Sins"  because they are more apparent.   The drinking...going to bars....etc...   But I seem to put myself up on my pious pedestal because I "just" take care of Clementine all the a good mom...and blah...blah...blah..

Then yesterday...I had a real heavy heart all day.     God was convicting me.   See....for all my indirect codie sins that I commit...God forgives me time and time again and welcomes me back with loving arms wide open.     I was brought to my knees again.   So...for the first time...I bravely apologized to my husband Clark.   It went something like this.   

Clark...I am sorry for all the mean things I said the other night.    I love you.   I'm not sure if you've noticed any changes in me yet.   But as you know I have been going to Al-Anon.   I am going to Al-Anon not to talk about you but to heal.   See I have SOOO MUCH wrong with me and need recovery.   Please be patient with me and support me when I need to go to a meeting.    I love you.   

Wow....that took so much from this dysfunctional codie!   I drained me!   Then it gave me peace and joy and finally I'm saying this...serenity.     He even responded wonderfully.   

He said...thank you for those kind words.    I have seen a change in you....but...sometimes you just get sick-and-tired-of-being-sick-and-tired.    I get it.    I love you too.   

We hugged and that was it.    But there was this unsaid closeness between us that wasn't there before.     Then tonight came and went and I was right back in the muck again.    But for dear husband of almost 16 years is nicely-tucked-in upstairs in bed and we are all safe. 

Please pray for us.    

P.S. - I will post more later...but I do have a few Christmas pictures to post.  I actually baked this year.    Something very new for you guys have to see the picts.   I didn't take the cookie photos until most were gone...but...oh well. husband's Dad, brother and sister came for Christmas.   It was a breakthrough and glorious.   See my husband has only seen his Dad probably 4 times in the last 16 years and we live in the same city.   Much more to write about this....But for is 4:02 a.m. and I want to get up early and try out a new church tomorrow with Clementine.     Thank you for your encouragement.   I know I don't deserve it.   I rarely post and comment and I'm sorry.   2009 might get better.   I am calm for now.   Goodnight. 

Monday, December 1, 2008


Thanksgiving came in smoothly with family and left abruptly with hurt feelings for all.   Can't even begin to go into it all...but today I want to focus on the positive things that occurred during those precious 3 days.
  • I am thankful for the beautiful smiles of my niece and nephews.  They are growing up so fast.  
  • I am thankful for the excitement that our daughter had while playing her little heart out.
  • I am thankful for the time I had shopping with my sister for all the groceries needed.   We haven't been able to do that for sooo long!
  • I am thankful that Mom gave us her card to let us buy all kinds of goodies to help make the dinners and Thanksgiving a success.    
  • I am grateful for the great weather they had in traveling to our house.
  • I am thankful that all kiddos were healthy.
  • I am grateful that dad didn't go into shock and give me a lecture about our new car.
  • I am grateful that the kids seem to sleep OK for being in unfamiliar surroundings.
  • I am thankful that I saw C. acting beautifully and is growing up nicely...even without meds anymore.   I hope she can maintain without them.    I really miss her and would like her to stay with us for a week if you're willing.    You know I will be her ONLY AUNTIE.
  • I am thankful that Mom & Dad took the kids to the nearby park on Friday.
  • Thank you G. for complementing me on how I cut my pickles and sliced the turkey just the right size for the little ones.   That made me feel good. 
  • Thank you for admiring the kitchen and letting me know that you liked it.   That also meant a lot to me.   I value your opinion.   
  • I am thankful for all the delicious breads, cookies, pumpkin-pie and your home-made biscotti, your yummy toffee bars and the cappuccinos rocked G!    The Strata for brunch on Thursday was a hit and I need the recipe for the yummy salad with the Gorgonzola cheese and cranberry stuff.   How did you make that salad dressing?
  • Mom I loved the chex mix, breads, cookies, pies and appreciate all the meat and cinnamon rolls you stocked our deep freeze with.    I just made homemade beef and noodles tonight and they were delicious!    
  • I am grateful for the massager that you brought.   It is now on my wish list for hubby to buy me for Christmas.
I am so sorry that my sister felt unwelcome and left early.     We could have had such fun shopping and taking the kids to do fun things in the city over the weekend.    I know the Thanksgiving meal was chaotic and wish it would have gone differently.       I will call her but knew we both need the quiet distance for a week or so.   

I will say that just like what I'm learning in was similar that weekend.     I did not cause it....I cannot change it.....I cannot cure it....and so on.         It is so hard to set boundaries and not internalize when people are not happy with me.    But for the record sis....I am sorry and did treasure the time we did spend together.   Maybe someday....we need to get away...just the 2 of us for a spa trip or something like that-without kids or husbands.    

I know that even though I am working on loving detachment with my seems like I'm only being successful at the detaching-without love towards everyone.   I am a work in progress.    And I will never be perfect.       I love my family dearly and want God's best for all of us.    So G.   if you're reading this-sorry for everything.    I love you.        

I wrote this post but somehow didn't get it online....I have another crazy post to write about last weekend when I'm not so tired.   But tonight....I am grateful for my warm home as it is beginning to snow.   We are supposed to get our first measurable snow of the season.   Probably around 3 inches.     During my 16 years of teaching (I'm on a 2 year leave)...whenever snow was even in the forecast, I would watch the 3 local weather stations, The Weather Channel and constantly flip channels to see if it would snow the required 5-6 inches to cancel school.    The phone ringing to say "School is Closed" was just the BEST feeling on a cold morning.   So tonight I am grateful that I will go to bed knowing that I don't have to go to work in the morning.    I am also grateful that hubby will not have to scrape his windows at 5:00 in the morning when he leaves for work, as we now have our cars in a garage.

I need to just give God praise and just enjoy the morning with my sweet dolly (my 4 year old daughter.)   Have a sweet peaceful night.