Christmas 2008

Wow....it's 2:25 a.m. on early Sunday morning.    I have soooo much to be thankful for and know it.    However....I have to include 1 more negative post in 2008.     As I am not feeling anything right now other than sorrow....anger....and more towards my alcoholic husband.   See in the last 6 days, he has gone out....

• December 22: His friend J.G. was in town from Texas....and in true fashion they went out. He came home very intoxicated at 1:30 a.m.
  

• December 24: He called me from work at 2:00 p.m. to inform me that he was "just" going to his friend's J.K. for a "drink" and then he would be home.   I begged....I pleaded...Please, it's Christmas Eve....please don't do this tonight!     Around 8:30 p.m....After helping my 4 year old write a letter to Santa...put out cookies and milk...praying with her and tucking her into bed...he shows up....completely drunk.    
  

• December 27: His friend J.M. was in town from California.   And in their true fashion, he went out.    I woke up at 1:30 with a panicky feeling as I heard sirens nearby.   I usually never hear sirens and suddenly had this sinking feeling that he may have been in an accident.    I called his cell phone...no answer...I called again at 2:00 a.m..he answered...said he was in the driveway and ready to pull into the garage.   He acted as if nothing was wrong...said they went to a bar and then to Burger King and then sat in Target's parking lot to eat their food, then he went his way and mine drove home drunk again....
  

Anymore...I react quite differently to his drinking than I used to 5 to 10 years ago.   I used to try to hunt him down...call his cell phone relentlessly...yell and scream when he did arrive and then give him the silent treatment for a week.   Only to follow with a "serious" talk and he would agree with everything I said (this enraged me)....only for a short reprieve of his "crazy" late nights...for him to do it again approximately 1 month later.    Needless to say...his drinking has progressed.   

In the last 5 years...I pretty much go into "denial" mode just like him when he goes out to drink. However, I fret and worry as in the last year...his drinking has gotten way worse.    

 The 2008 standouts are:

1) He threw a rock at the window in an attempt to wake me up when he came home from his work's Christmas party drunk and couldn't get in the front door.   A van of 3 ladies sat out front waiting for him to get in.

2) He passed out in the driveway with his car running after returning home from the bar at 2:00 a.m.   It was February and freezing and snowing!    I wondered what to do?   If I went out to get him...would he "hit" the gas and run me over?   Or run into the garage?   All these thoughts were raging through my mind.   I remember being especially upset because I was still up frantically cleaning the house as it was to be put on the market the next day.   Our agent was to come by at 9:00 to look at the house.    What did I do?   I first went outside and took a picture of him...for evidence you know? (for what?  I don't know?)   Then I ran back inside...contemplated calling the police...then he suddenly stumbled in.

3) I got a call from a bar in a nearby college town.   The bartender had found my husband's cell phone and called me to say it had been left in the bar.   See...earlier that day my husband had set off with his true alcoholic friend for life J.K to head to the college football spring game. Not even sure it they made it to the game?   But got a call from his friend to tell me that they didn't know where their car was?    J.K's ex codie girlfriend drove an hour and a half to the hugely crowded game to find them and drive them home.   When they arrived...my husband was peeing in the driveway and had to be helped into the house.

4) Not sure when it was...but he was passed out in bed and our 4 year old tried to wake him.   She stood crying saying that..."Mommy, why won't he wake up?"   She knew something was up because any other sober time...he would wake up within seconds and scoop her up and love her up!   He is quite careful to shield Clementine from his antics.   But lately...he can't do this as easily...

Now...these are just the "Stand-Outs"...However, every weekend in the last year has been filled with drunkenness in some way-shape-form.     He has even upped it to getting drunk a couple times a month in the middle of the week.     Also...a new thing for him is having alcohol in the house to drink 1 or 2 beers every night before he goes to bed.   A few years ago...we never had alcohol in the house unless we were having someone over for dinner.    

I am so freakin scared tonight.   I feel like everything near and dear to me could slip away at any moment.    He still works at the same job that he has been at for 23 years.   He makes a great salary...But... I see him getting more stressed about work and talking about the stress and the higher expectations that are being put on him...This only scares me that his drinking is affecting his work and some may be seeing this.   Also...it only adds fuel to the weekend fire as he wants to escape work and get drunk.    I have put all my trust in this alcoholic that I dearly love in the last 2 years that I have not been teaching.   I have no salary.   I know that if he loses his job....we will lose this new beautiful home and possibly everything.   Will I find out that he is having an affair?    I know this goes right along with drinking and we are not close in the slightest....   I know all my fretting and worrying does me no good.    Just typing and telling you all helps me feel a little better.   

Back to Christmas Eve....Usually...I just wait up listening for the garage-door to open and for him to safely make it into the  house....but for some reason...(could it be that it was Christmas Eve?) that I was especially mad that he was out.     We both said  some real mean things to each other.    See...it's easy for this codie to tell him all about his "Marquee Sins"  because they are more apparent.   The drinking...going to bars....etc...   But I seem to put myself up on my pious pedestal because I "just" take care of Clementine all the time....am a good mom...and blah...blah...blah..

Then yesterday...I had a real heavy heart all day.     God was convicting me.   See....for all my indirect codie sins that I commit...God forgives me time and time again and welcomes me back with loving arms wide open.     I was brought to my knees again.   So...for the first time...I bravely apologized to my husband Clark.   It went something like this.   

Clark...I am sorry for all the mean things I said the other night.    I love you.   I'm not sure if you've noticed any changes in me yet.   But as you know I have been going to Al-Anon.   I am going to Al-Anon not to talk about you but to heal.   See I have SOOO MUCH wrong with me and need recovery.   Please be patient with me and support me when I need to go to a meeting.    I love you.   

Wow....that took so much from this dysfunctional codie!   I drained me!   Then it gave me peace and joy and finally I'm saying this...serenity.     He even responded wonderfully.   

He said...thank you for those kind words.    I have seen a change in you....but...sometimes you just get sick-and-tired-of-being-sick-and-tired.    I get it.    I love you too.   

We hugged and that was it.    But there was this unsaid closeness between us that wasn't there before.     Then tonight came and went and I was right back in the muck again.    But for now...my dear husband of almost 16 years is nicely-tucked-in upstairs in bed and we are all safe. 

Please pray for us.    

  

P.S. - I will post more later...but I do have a few Christmas pictures to post.  I actually baked this year.    Something very new for me...so you guys have to see the picts.   I didn't take the cookie photos until most were gone...but...oh well.    

Also...my husband's Dad, brother and sister came for Christmas.   It was a breakthrough and glorious.   See my husband has only seen his Dad probably 4 times in the last 16 years and we live in the same city.   Much more to write about this....But for now...it is 4:02 a.m. and I want to get up early and try out a new church tomorrow with Clementine.     Thank you for your encouragement.   I know I don't deserve it.   I rarely post and comment and I'm sorry.   2009 might get better.   I am calm for now.   Goodnight.