Friday, January 9, 2009

I'm so tired of writing about sadness and my life with an alcoholic.   I'm sure this is why I truly need al-anon.      During the week...I just seem to go through the week as I find excuses to NOT go to an al-anon meeting.    Here are just a few...
  •'s so uncomfortable to sit with strangers when I want to be home in my warm and toasty house.   
  • I don't have the energy to go.
  • I would rather work on meeting with a counselor one-on-one and just read my al-anon books at home to get the encouragement that I need.
  • How will any possible stranger really "get" my situation and how I feel like I cannot divorce my husband due to many reasons.   I'm afraid that once I find a sponsor...they will look at me like..."what the heck are you doing with this guy?"
  • My fear of opening up and speaking in front of others about uncomfortable feelings...
OK...there...I said them...just some of my excuses for NOT desiring al-anon...even though I know I need it in a bad way.

Today was Friday.    It was cold and windy here.    Clementine really opened my eyes to what she really "gets" about this whole alcoholism thing and her father.   See...I have tried to shelter her from what I can.    Also...I do not talk negatively about Clark.    However, I'm sure she can see how I am sad and how I react ( or rather how I freeze and become numb...) when he gets ready to go out every weekend.       I know I sound like a broken record...but...

He went out last night until 11 p.m. and watched the last big bowl game on TV with a friend.   My alcohol meter in me guessed that he had drank around 5-6 beers.   Today...he announced that his best friend J. (2 peas-in-a-pod alcoholic friend) would be taking him out for lunch today as his birthday is tomorrow.   

Ah...I knew J. would try to get another drunken something out of him for his birthday.  I know I shouldn't have anger towards J...but I can't help but blame him too.?

Today...I really trusted him when he said he would just be going out for lunch and he'd be home.   I should have known.   He said he would pick up J.   Why would he have to pick up J. when J. was taking him out?   Ah Ha!   Because J. has an alcohol device on his car and cannot drive it when he drinks.    I felt as if I was "Punked" again.   Like Ashton Kutcher would appear at any moment!

Around 3:00, after picking up Clem from preschool, he called to say he would be home soon.   Oh...this is when the anger starts to nervously simmer in me.    What came next I could not believe....My 4 year old Clementine announces:

"Mommy, let's just go to a movie or something.   That way when we are at the movies we won't think about the know the alcohol that daddy is drinking?"

Wow!  I don't think I took a breath for a couple of minutes on that one.   We ended up going home (not to a movie) as it was very windy and starting to snow.    

At home the usual ensued as I tried to not let it bother me that he was still not home from his "lunch."    Clementine and I ended up renting a movie from Digital Cable...Tinkerbell.   I can't even remember any of it?    

Then around 7:30 (that's only a 6 hour drinking lunch...) he drove into the garage.  When the garage door opened, Clem ran over to me in a scared way. Why?   She hasn't witnessed only a few ugly exchanges between us over 4 years.   But yet...she gets it...she gets it all!   I  know she feels fear and anxiety and instinctively knows something is off.    

She and I went to bed (that's also what happens when he reeks terribly from drinking....he gets sent to the guest room.     It was so sad...he staggered in.   Said hello.   Went to change his clothes.     Actually asked if I wanted him to say prayers with us.   He could hardly talk....  Each night we say prayers with Clementine as we tuck her in bed.     

Clem and I read books for around 30 minutes...then she started crying...I asked what was wrong?   She just said, "I don't know why?  I'm just sad."   She said she wanted Daddy to sleep with us to.     I asked her to go ask him.   Oh course he had passed out already and she couldn't wake him.   More tears.     

My prayer for tonight...God, please give me strength and help me find a new way of living.   Amen.

On a good note....I think?   I have joined a Gym for 1 month.    I am set to have a trainer work with me 3 days a week for a month.   I am to weigh-in on Monday and have my fat tested/caliper thing done...Fun....I requested a female and got a male (named Chaz)  Are you kidding?  I thought...   Poor guy. is a start.    So tomorrow...I will probably go eat a hamburger, fries and a milkshake for good measure.   I feel like I'm shipping out to be on Biggest Loser.      I just wish I could lose the 30 pounds that I need to lose in 1 week only... like the guy on Biggest Loser did last week.    

I will try to be happy and positive tomorrow on Clark's 41st birthday.     It will be hard.    I am struggling lately with my faith.    Is God testing my faith?     Should I be treating Clark with forgiveness over and over and act like nothing is wrong when everything is?     I know God is waiting for me to turn over all of it to HIM....why do I do this with my head...but not my heart?     

Hope all of you are snug in your warm beds....if you can...please say a little prayer for my family tonight.    God Bless.


Kim A. said...

Putting pen to paper (or keyboard to blog) is a great way to start to get the stuff out of my head. Looks like you are doing just that!! (baby steps, steps)


Cat said...

I applaud your blogging things out - I also agree with baby steps, but that only worked for me once I felt I could not ' do it alone anymore'. The books are good, but it was connecting with other peple, face to face about how crazy my life was and how hard every day was that helped me to understand I am not alone in it. Strangely that helped me more than I can even put into words.

As for your young daughter I have no suggestions and having brought my own children up in the house with an active alcoholic - it is a tough place to be for a mother.

Knowing what I know now, I may have changed how I did it in the past, but hey I cant go back and I can only wor with what I got today.



Annette said...

I think for me, hearing what everyone else has to share at a meeting is as valuable as what I read. All of it put together makes for a rich program and a tool box full of tools. Even with all of is still hard! This is a tough journey to make. Its a disease that kills, spiritually, emotionally and physically. But it sounds like you are figuring things out, deciding what will work and what won't and you are beginning to think about what to do with it all. Be strong and take care of yourself and little Clementine, my friend.

Syd said...

I could not have gotten my life together if it hadn't been for Al-Anon. And the thing about the program is that everyone there has been where I was and where you are. This isn't news to those who live with active alcoholism. It's the norm.

I know that it seems hard but the best thing that you can do for you and your little daughter is to go to a meeting and keep going to meetings. It has helped as nothing else would. All anyone has to do is be willing to get help. I don't like to give advice but please go for you and Clementine.

caroline said...

If you care about her more than yourself you will leave him. You have everything to lose by staying and nothing to gain. It is extremely damaging for a child to have to be around a drunk grown up. It is abusive. It is not your fault but you have the power to leave and to protect her. It must be so frightening for her. I know you said she gets it, but she really doesn't. She is only 4. She needs you to be her strong mommy, her parent and protect her and put her above you own needs and desires. You can do it. Sorry, I know giving advice like this is a recovery fax paux. Please forgive me if I've offended you.

philly et moi said...

Just an old friend reaching out through cyberspace to let you know that I'm connected. (Houston, I've made contact) Keep strong and keep putting your feelings in writing. The worst thing for my busy head is keeping my thoughts trapped inside.
Thought you might apreciate that I've headed your advice and blogged on ;)

Cat said...

I have not heard from you lately and wanted to touch base and see how you were doing.

shoot me a mail if you need me. I am here.


Cat said...

just checkin in on you... hope you are well and making life feel good!

steveroni said...

OMG, how frequently I hear the (almost) EXACT story from different people...EVERYWHERE. Please heed advice of Cat and Syd...get thee to Alanon. In an Alanon room you will see them all nodding as you say or do WHATEVER you'll say or do. BECAUSE they have all BEEN there.

I know, because I AM one who put them there. I AM your husband. I AM that guy who should be spending most of his life in prison.

I AM now sober, and happy, and you may not believe this...but I'm at peace, and I LOVE a lot, just love, nothing more, nothing less. I now love LIFE ITSELF--and one day, you will also, I do not know how, but you WILL.

Willow said...

I can get many of those same feelings about going to my step group but I go anyway because I can isolate.

The toughest thing for me is making sure I set boundaries for ME and my needs, not to control him.

Very sad about your daughter. They know. My dad is an alcoholic and I recall similar experiences. I knew earlier than 4 about his drinking.