Thursday, January 1, 2009

     As I reflect over the last year...I can definitely relate to my life in songs.   The music and the lyrics just seem to resonate in me.     Most are what many might think are "downers", but as I recover...I can't just fake like its been "ham-and-jam" all year.    I'm posting the 12 songs that I see myself in.    

You might notice that the last 2 songs are getting more upbeat and the lyrics seem to be based toward recovery....this is because I didn't move into the "AWARENESS" mode until November.    However, I am still in the "awareness mode only" and will keep at it in 2009....one day at a time.


January

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down you face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down your face
And I

Tears stream down your face
I promise you I will learn from my mistakes 
Tears stream down your face
And I

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you


February 2007
Frail by Jars of Clay



Convinced of my deception
I've always been a fool
I fear this love reaction
Just like you said I would

A rose could never lie
About the love it brings
And I could never promise
To be any of those things

[Chorus:]

If I was not so weak
If I was not so cold
If I was not so scared of being broken
Growing old
I would be...
I would be...
I would be...

Blessed are the shallow
Depth they'll never find
Seemed to be some comfort
In rooms I try to hide

Exposed beyond the shadows
You take the cup from me
Your dirt removes my blindness
Your pain becomes my peace

[Chorus]

...frail
Who's gonna tell you when
It's too late
Who's gonna tell you things
Aren't so great
You can't go on
Thinking nothings wrong
Who's gonna drive you home tonight

Who's gonna pick you up
When you fall
Who's gonna hang it up
When you call
Who's gonna pay attention
To your dreams
Who's gonna plug their ears
When you scream

You can't go on
Thinking nothings wrong
Who's gonna drive you home tonight

Who's gonna hold you down
When you shake
Who's gonna come around
When you break

You can't go on
Thinking nothing wrong
Who's gonna drive you home tonight

April 2007
In My Place-By Coldplay

In my place, in my place
Were lines that I couldn't change
I was lost, oh yeah

I was lost, I was lost
Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed
I was lost, oh yeah

Yeah, how long must you wait for him?
Yeah, how long must you pay for him?
Yeah, how long must you wait for him?

I was scared, I was scared
Tired and under prepared
But I wait for you

If you go, if you go
Leaving me here on my own
Well I wait for you

Yeah, how long must you wait for him?
Yeah, how long must you pay for him?
Yeah, how long must you wait for him?

Please, please, please
Come on and sing to me
To me, me

Come on and sing it out, out, out
Come on and sing it now, now, now
Come on and sing it

In my place, in my place
Were lines that I couldn't change
I was lost, oh yeah
Oh yeah

May 2007 
High and Dry
By Radiohead



(This song's lyrics don't necessarily connect...but it was the last month that Clark and I had sex...so this so fits!)


Two jumps in a week
I bet you think that's pretty clever don't you boy?
Flying on your motorcycle,
Watching all the ground beneath you drop
You'd kill yourself for recognition,
Kill yourself to never ever stop
You broke another mirror,
You're turning into something you are not

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

Drying up in conversation,
You will be the one who cannot talk
All your insides fall to pieces,
You just sit there wishing you could still make love
They're the ones who'll hate you
When you think you've got the world all sussed out
They're the ones who'll spit at you,
You will be the one screaming out

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry
Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

It's the best thing that you ever had,
The best thing that you ever, ever had
It's the best thing that you ever had,
The best thing you ever had has gone away

June 2007
Landslide 
by Smashing Pumpkins

I took my love, I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
til the landslide brought it down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, Ive been afraid of changing cause I've
Built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older, too

Well, Ive been afraid of changing cause I've
Built my life around you
Time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I'm getting older, too
I get older, too

I took my love and took it down
I climbed a mountain, I turned around
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
The landslide brought it down
The landslide brought it down

July 2007
Stained Glass Masquerade
By Casting Crowns


Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone that falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everybody seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everythings okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So with a painted grin, I play the part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weakness
And smiles to hide our pain
But if the invitation's open
To every heart that has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain
On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay

August 2007 
I Know 
by Fiona Apple

(I have thought Clark was having an affair numerous times...but have never proven this...Actually...I think his only true affair has been with alcohol.    So this song is still fitting...especially because I'm  always wait for him....

So be it, I'm your crowbar
If that's what I am so far
Until you get out of this mess
And I will pretend
That I don't know of your sins
Until you are ready to confess
But all the time, all the time
Ill know, Ill know
And you can use my skin
To bury secrets in
And I will settle you down
And at my own suggestion,
I will ask no questions
While I do my thing in the background
But all the time, all the time
Ill know, Ill know
Baby-i cant help you out, while shes still around
So for the time being, I'm being patient
And amidst this bitterness
If you ll just consider this-even if it don't make sense
All the time-give it time
And when the crowd becomes your burden
And you've early closed your curtains,
Ill wait by the backstage door
While you try to find the lines to speak your mind
And pry it open, hoping for an encore
And if it gets too late, for me to wait
For you to find you love me, and tell me so
Its ok, don't need to say it.

September 2007 
Valley Song 
by Jars of Clay

You have led me to the sadness
I have carried this pain
On a back bruised, nearly broken
I'm crying out to you

Chorus
I will sing of Your mercy
That leads me through valleys of sorrow
To rivers of joy

When death like a Gypsy
Comes to steal what I love
I will still look to the heavens
I will still seek your face

But I fear you aren't listening
Because there are no words
Just the stillness and the hunger
For a faith that assures

Chorus x2

Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia

While we wait for rescue
With our eyes tightly shut
Face to the ground using our hands
To cover the fatal cut

And though the pain is an ocean
Tossing us around, around, around
You have calmed greater waters
Higher mountains have come down

Chorus

Yeah

Alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia

Alleluia, alleluia alleluia, alleluia
Alleluia, alleluia alleluia, alleluia

Chorus (4 Xs)

Oh, Lord sing of Your mercy,
Mercy
Your mercy


October 2007 
Get Gone
By Fiona Apple


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F76BU-tMI3Q


How many times do I have to say
To get away-get gone
Flip your shit past another lasses
Humble dwelling
You got your game, made your shot, and you got away
With a lot, but Im not turned-on
So put away that meat youre selling
Cuz I do know whats good for me-
And Ive done what I could for you
But youre not benefiting, and yet Im sitting
Singing again, sing, sing again
How can I deal with this, if he wont get with this
Mi gonna heal from this; he wont admit to it
Nothing to figure out; I gotta get him out
Its time the truth was out that he dont give a
Shit about me
How many times can it escalate
Till it elevates to a place I cant breathe?
And I must decide, if you must deride
That Im much obliged to up and go
Ill idealize, then realize that its no
Sacrifice, because the price is paid, and
Theres nothing left to grieve
Fuckin go-
Cuz Ive done what I could for you, and I do know whats
Good for me and Im not benefiting, instead
Im sitting singing again, singing again, singing again,
Sing, sing, sing again
How can I deal with this, if he wont get with this
Mi gonna heal from this; he wont admit to it
Nothing to figure out; I gotta get him out
Its time the truth was out that he dont give a
Shit about me


November 2007
If You Listen 
by Elizabeth Mitchell 


(This is the month that my "awareness" kicked in. It is a children's song that my daughter listens to...but so fitting...I couldn't find a You Tube for your viewing pleasure...but it's worth a preview if you can find one....The Lyrics Are:

If you listen, you can hear
birds sing and flowers grow
If you listen, you can hear
my love for you just grows
in the silence that surrounds
deep peace and love are found
in the days that will be here
my love will call you loud and clear
and in that silent place
where lonlieness is found
I'll wander through the open door to look for you
there in that magic place
that lies beyond the clouds
floating in a sea of dreams
I'll sing to you
If you listen
you can hear
birds sing and flowers grow
if you listen 
you can hear
my love for you just grows...


December - 2007 
Voice of Truth 
by Casting Crowns

(Sorry...this video is VERY CHEESY!  A slide-show project probably from some 13 year old kid in Sunday school, but the lyrics say it all.   I am finally hearing the Voice of Truth and starting to believe the inner voice....)

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone
To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is
And He's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
Time and time again. 'Boy, you'll never win!'
"You'll never win"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have
The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant
With just a Sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors
Shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
Time and time again "boy, you'll never win!
"You'll never win"

But the stone was just the right size
To put the giant on the ground
And the waves they don't seem so high
From on top of them looking down
I will soar with the wings of eagles
When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus
Singing over me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth


And that's all folks! My life in a year of songs.

Others that I really liked...but couldn't find videos for are: A Separate Reality by Ocean Blue...and George Michael's Waiting (Reprise) are perfect as well.    

Have a Happy and Peaceful New Year's Day.


3 comments:

steveroni said...

Hey, Little Sunshine!

steveroni said...

Hey, Little Sunshine!

What a unique presentation of your year's happenings...deep down in your heart. Actually, where is anything that is really worthwhile, outside of your heart?

My favorite lyrics are July, and December. I'm not a great follower of popular music, but I can tell you--I wish I had much more time to read more carefully, and listen. Yes...listen to these songs.

Thank you so much for your work--I'll be back later today.

Cat said...

Hapy New Year my friend!!!

I love your choices and so many I could relate to my own life and expierence - Here is to having a wonderfully happy year of recovery for yourself - You can only save you!!!

Cat