Hello again blog friends...
I don't think I've blogged 2 days in a row...who knows? I may continue the roll. I am in a real funk today....I am hanging onto my blog friends too tightly I believe. As I get further sucked into the blogworld and further depressed about my own reality....I tend to have a hopefulness when I read a comment-my codie comrades. Anyway...this is one thought today.
Also...I am now officially a FACEBOOK drop-out....and started only 2 weeks ago. I was invited to blog by my Aunt L. and invited by my friend K. and blogfriend C. So I got on it...then I started to feel like High School again....looking at how many friends were listed on other's sites that I visited...and especially my own....how sad. I even started inviting a few of you...and really...I don't really know you....but then again...you all know more about the "REAL" me than most of our friends that we regularly socialize with...
Then, the vulnerability came lashing in....I didn't want others to know the real me unless it was safe with blogfriends like yourselves. See....I don't want friends & neighbors to link me with the real unhappiness that I seem to be in currently. I am only comfortable with the Little Miss Sunshine persona for them. Ya know what I mean? Smiling and not letting them know the real me....I started getting panicky as I viewed others pictures and saw their kids picts too. I will walk through fire for my precious daughter and I just don't want anyone to connect the 2 or see my daughter. There are real freaks out there and I just feel I need protection right now. So I abruptly ended my Facebook. Maybe in 2009, I will grow and learn to use it. I am still learning about this blogging thing right now, so this will be my only technological adventure for now. So to you in the Facebook land, sorry for letting you down....but as you know...it is my life and my recovery.
OK....I'm a little hopped up on coffee and the Fiona Apple Get Gone song right now. I've had a very sad morning. Clark took Clementine to one of those Bounce-lands for kids. He informed me that a BIG 12 game would be starting at 1:00 so he would be back soon. Football has been blaring for a week. And no relief in sight until January 8...when his team will play....So I am left to blog in quiet. YEAH! I have been singing loudly Get Gone out loud and probably becoming a little too comfortable with the "Fuckin Go!" part.
Would you like to hear about the crazy morning? Unlike my husband...you guys will listen and even though I seek your approval (in true codie fashion) I can say whatever....so here goes the morning...
Clark woke and took Clementine downstairs. He made Carrot/Clementine (how fitting...ya know the little oranges?) grapefruit juice. We received a juicer for Christmas and have tried it out several times now. I have "quite the glow" from all the carrots I've ingested over the past few days. Anyway, I stayed upstairs to shower. When I came down....I simply asked him if we could go out tonight (for my birthday dinner) instead of tomorrow night....as tomorrow is forecasted to bring freezing rain/drizzle to the area and I would rather be home. We have a friend watching Clementine, so I needed to call her and ask if tonight would work. In "His True Fashion" of NOT being able to make any sort of decision...of any kind...no matter how small....he said...I think you are radiating this "thing" or attitude today....so I don't know. I replied, "well since you seem quite angry, I don't think I want to spend time with you.....He replied..."fine....you can go by yourself!" I sat, read the paper, sulked, tried to Al-Anon myself and not give him my energy....he (like usual) tried to just keep making the juice-pretending like nothing had just happened...I tried to drink my coffee...but a flood of sadness just came over me! I ran upstairs and sat in the bathroom sobbing for a good half an hour. I think the walls are coming in on me....It's all seeming like so much to handle! I know I should be posting a "Today, I am grateful for..." But I feel like a PMS crabby B today. So instead...I am thinking about:
- turning 40 tomorrow
- wrinkles are becoming more abundant and rapidly showing up everywhere on my face. My years of no sunscreen and living on the lakes are catching up with me.
- I am out-of-shape...cellulite is NOT my friend.
- I drank 2 glasses of wine myself on New Year's Eve (I hadn't drank since Nov. 16) Not sure why? After all, I don't have a problem with alcohol...except dealing with the effects from my husband's drinking. But I was trying to NOT drink....since I have lived/am living the devastating effects of Clark's drinking. So I feel I've let myself down. But today....I am feeling very vulnerable and like I could easily drink a bottle of Shiraz or a good Pinot myself....maybe even 2 bottles! It's just one of those days.
- I feel totally unappreciated and unloved
- I haven't had sex since last May...and even though I badly crave it...I will refuse Birthday sex...you know...that would be giving in to my desperation and all that makes me intensely sad too.
- I feel "not so beautiful" - I am remembering the past today...See I did some modeling for the company I worked for when I was around 21. I even had some swimsuit shots. Not bragging...but I had a great body-and even ran a few 10K's, rode my mountain bike and worked out often....but now I am 20-30 pounds overweight and have a bad ankle that still hurts-even to walk on... Clark tells me the "it's not me...it's him." And I suppose that "jerking-off" to porn each night is less of a hassle than dealing with me....Sorry...had to go there!
- We are in debt that I refuse to face any longer alone-I so want Clark to take some responsibility. Doesn't he care enough that his wife has a "charging problem"? After all, he is the only one with an income. I swear I could be on an episode of "DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES" However, I don't watch the show.
Anyway...I sat bawling locked in the bathroom....Clementine kept coming up to say...Daddy has juice for you Mommy....or she put her mouth (gross...I know...but heah, she's only 4) on the doorknob and proudly told me that she was breathing into the door to let me know that she was there....then that broke my heart and I cried even more.
Finally, I got myself together (swollen eyes and all) and came back downstairs. She told me that she was on "my side and Daddy's side." OK....open flood gates again! Clark apologized and said he didn't mean that he didn't want to go out with me but that I was not in the best mood. I called the babysitter and made plans for tonight. We will go to our favorite place where we have been only 2 other times. It's way too expensive for a regular night out. We enjoyed this restaurant on Clark's 20 year class reunion night will some of his high school friends and right when school was out the year I put in for my 2 year leave. He had just returned from San Antonio for a business trip. We love this restaurant and how they seem to have true professionals for servers. I am craving crab and Clark will probably get a filet.
Let me first tell you, my blog friends...that Clark and I RARELY go out (just the 2 of us). I would say only 10 times total in 4 and 1/2 years since Clementine was born. She is fine being away from us and even loves it....but...Clark has made it apparent that he chooses alcohol over both of us 98% of the time. He usually chooses alcohol and alcoholic friends over me and Clementine anyday of the week.....So when a night arises like tonight...it is almost "too much pressure" for it to be fun! He said he wouldn't drink so I could tonight (see, I won't drink and drive with Clementine in the car...and since we need to take her to our friend's house and then back home....1 of us has to be sober.) Well...that's no fun either....cause I know he will really want a drink....
Then we will go out for a nice dinner and I will feel uncomfortable with him. Because I have all this pent-up frustration of not-EVER being able to talk to him or share feelings and live the wrath of alcohol. I really want to hold him hostage and tell him all my thoughts without him walking away or tuning out. Since December 23, he has gone out 5 nights with his SINGLE friends over the holidays and drove home plastered each and every one of those 5 nights at 2:00-3:00 a.m.! (mind you he is a week away from turning 41....can anyone say "GROW UP!")
But on my birthday...it's just the facts ma'am...eat your food wife ...drink your wine wife ...pick up child...put child and wife to bed.....stay up and drink myself (awe-this is when Clark truly unwinds)....watch football....view porn....Happy Birthday Wife!!! This is what his view will be and this is what will happen. So I find myself already let-down. Sorry...I know I am a Negative Nelly and that I need recovery in a bad way.....I just want to get the 3rd over with. (maybe I'll blog tonight if it doesn't go too well and I'm sad-sorry....I am also a little self-absorbed today...I can't help it.
Just curious everyone out there.....??? How many of you who are NOT alcoholics and are married to ACTIVE alcoholics or ALCOHOLICS in RECOVERY still socially drink?
I find that I always have to be the sober one that can be responsible for our daughter and drive when needed. I only drink around 4 to 5 times a year...and I feel the need to GET DRUNK tonight! I'm sure it will only make me feel worse.....I just feel that he has taken SOOOOO MUCH from me already...and now I cannot have a glass of wine without feeling guilty about it either! Damn you alcoholics!!!