Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Still Here...

About a month ago...actually it was Inauguration Day. My MAC powerbook died. It is only 2 1/2 years old. I was reading an al-anon blog and it just died. I took it to the MAC store and they plugged it into their disk repair and tried to locate my hard drive...but no luck. They told me to try to reinstall my hard drive using the original 2 DVDs that the computer came with. I tried and got to step 11 out of 12 and got the spinning wheel. Went back to the MAC store and begged for help again....they handed me 2 cards with names of DATA RECOVERY people. I really don't have anything on the computer....except 8,000 photos! My husband thinks that this is why it died. Luckily...I backed up most of the photos on Shutterfly...but now...I'll have to pay them to develop the pictures, but at least I'll still have them.

Life here is pretty much the same. I am going to try and savor what is left of this year before heading back to full time next year...or at least subbing close to full time. I am going to "TRY" to focus on ME and CLEM only. I am joining a new gym tomorrow and will try to keep the focus off HIM. I am starting to get that I cannot just wait and pray (hope) and wish for all to change...all the while...I'm drowning in HIM.

Clark has been closer to me and "family stuff" as he got bad news last week. See...he is a runner...yeah I're alcoholic athlete? does happen. Anyway, he told me he hasn't been running in the last few months because his knee was hurting and even his hip. Then he went in (2nd time to a doctor in 18 years! I knew he must be in pain) and had an x-ray of his hip and an MRI of his knee. It showed that he does have a torn medial meniscus and can have a scope procedure on his knee. They also told him that he has some arthritis in his knee. for the kicker....he needs a HIP REPLACEMENT! He is barely 41! The doctor said it was probably something he was born with old football injury and that it was not from running. So he has been a little more attentive (well...he is sad about his own health...) to us....which helped me see what a mess I am.

For the last few weeks he hasn't drank...since he went to a family party (for his best friend's mother that was turning 73) drunk! I mean DRUNK! It was the first time that his 2 worlds collided! See usually he hurts Clem and I. His friends and his alcohol stay separate from his family. He will drink with buddies, but Clem rarely sees him drunk. Well...he got the news of the hip replacement and did what soothes him...called his drunk friend and they went to lunch. A 6 hour drinking lunch. Then...he knew he HAD to show up to this party...and I thought...go ahead...let everyone see you like this. It was so sad and quite embarrassing. Clem and I ended up leaving him there and came home early...after he attempted to carry Clem on his shoulders and started weaving with her. I handed out more of my vague bottomless threats the next morning and he hasn't drank since...not from my threats. wasn't a need serious help...or I won't continue to stay in this mess. I know he will NOT get help...nor am I prepared to leave right now. I see him (and me) spiraling out of control in almost every area of his life. This is where my sickness comes in....

I am a mess watching this "car-wreck" but am sickly hoping his "Bottom" is near and that he will find help. Meanwhile, I am more focused on him now more than ever! I am promising all of you (even though I don't really know any of you) that I will attend an al-anon meeting and try to find a sponsor. Oh...and guy who told me about my "Sad Self" and gave me other choice words...if you are reading makes you just as sad....I choose to be here and I choose to be in my marriage....I am not a victim. I don't rant-on to friends or others I know-all about my problems...that would be out of the "norm" for this Little Miss Sunshine....and frankly...this is currently my only outlet to all of it. Thank you Syd, Cat, Steve, Annette, Caroline, Willow, Philly and others for checking-in on me. All of you are like my family. Even though...just like with my own family...I isolate and try to do it alone. I am a work in progress.

Tonight...I almost caved and told Clark about my blog. is so he can see that I am writing about what a mess he is to others. "Yes...I do realize...I am sick...because it is all about him...yuck! I almost caved...but didn't. I think because as sick as this blog is all that I have to myself...that he hasn't for the time being...I will keep it private from him. Oh..and for the record...I am NOT writing about him on my blog...ok...maybe a sprinkle here and there...but this blog is NOT about needs to be about ME.

P.S.-Right now...I am typing this post on my husband's Toshiba PC. I am such a PC novice and I can't stand the clickety-clacking of his keyboard right now. Hopefully, I'll complete our taxes soon and buy that new MAC that is sooo dreamy! By the old Mac would be softly typing the letters and the keyboard would be glowing like the moonlight....AHHHH....


Syd said...

Ahh...a Mac woman. Good for you! Believe it or not the cost to get those pictures off your old hard drive isn't bad. I had that happen to a PC at work. They got all my data, etc. back so you really might want to check it out.

I have been thinking about you and checked up to see if I had just missed a post. I'm glad that you are keeping your sanity among the insanity. It sounds as if there are some boundaries established. I think that I probably told you that I won't live with active alcoholism again. It just took too much of a toll on my life. I'm glad that you're going to Al-Anon and getting a sponsor. It made such a difference in my thinking and behaving.

Cat said...

Ah you are doing well - working on focussing the attention on you - good for you! I know about empty thrreats and wishing for the bottom to fall out of 'his' world so he would recover - I know that only too well, I am glad you are back - posting, keeping updated and as for Al anon - try at least 6 meetings, maybe try a few different ones. no rush for a sponser until you feel comfortable with that - for me - no pressure was what worked. I could not pressure myself about my recovery living in chaos - I would have given up early!

I look forward to hearing about what you think about al anon - hey a thought - some meetings here have child care, which might make it easier to go during the day while your husband is working. Just an idea.
Take care of you lil miss sunshine - and everything else will fall into place.

As for rude comments from people who have no idea - just hit delete, keep it simple Sunshine!


Annette said...

Hey Caper, I am so glad to hear for you! You know you gotta do what you gotta do. Alanon is a program of self discovery and that takes time. I also think that awareness is a huge part of the process and it sounds like you are becoming very aware of the reality of the situation and making decisions accordingly.

I do encourage you to keep that promise of going to Alanon and getting a sponsor. Living with active addiction, and even if he's not drinking at the moment, the underlying issues of the disease have not been addressed...anyway, living with active addiction in your home is tough stuff. I couldn't do it without my program and my sponsor. You won't regret that you went. You will find such relief and support and knowledge on how to be healthy for you and Clem.

Keep writing when you can!

Kim A. said...

glad to hear that you are still taking it a day at a time. my experience with finding a sponsor went on for years. when I finally got tired of the same old pain and got some courage and went up to a person who had what I wanted and asked her to be my sponsor, my world suddenly was brighter and I felt soooo much better. I hadn't even had the first conversation with this woman, but the ACT of doing something for myself, outside my comfort zone, not isolating anymore, for was the first BIG step in my finding serenity. To quote the weird guy in "The Water Boy".."you can do it"..:-)


Ms Hen said...

I checked each day in the list of blogs to see if you blogged again. I'm glad you are going to go to al-anon and get a sponsor..

Yes.. keep the focus on YOU... self-love more and more too.

Betty Ann

Micky said...
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steveroni said...

Steve E., weighing in (waying in?) and I missed some, I guess. Seem to forget I'm human! Glad to be here to visit you again, Caper!

Good idea to NOT show an active alkie your blog--my opinion--because others on here, either in comments, or on your blog roll, might feel awkward about it. Not ME, though, I don't give a flying crap who knows what about me...

Somehow I did not realize that "Little Miss Sunshine" was not also "Little Miss Happiness". But things are not always (ever?) like I think they should be.

As you wrote this blog a week ago, I'm hoping that some more peacefulness has come into your life by now, and I'll pray for that in about two hours.

Again, I sure believe you'll be happier if you DO keep this blog world of yours as one little corner of your own private place, where you can come to, receive help, support, love, whatever you need spiritually...maybe even guidance (if you do not yet have an Alanon sponsor, highly recommended!)

Peace, and Love, from
Steve E.

See? wouldn't he like to read THIS comment!? -grin

Jesus Forever said...
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