Roller-Coaster Ride Anyone?

Wow...what a lazy weekend. Basically, I did not leave the house since Friday evening. Only to step out onto the deck for a moment today. It was freezing here all weekend! The cool thing is...that all of us were together all weekend. Me...the co-dependent that I am...A perfect day to me is: A clean house, laundry done & put away, clean sheets on the beds, checkbook balanced and all 3 of us together in my little controlled world. Yes....he watched tons of football and drank #? (ok...I'll admit...I was counting...9 beers since Saturday morning-not his usual quota). Overall, a very laid-back weekend.

Finally, I got it together and cooked 2 meals this weekend. I like to cook...but this disease of watching out for my alcoholic is so exhausting...I do tend to be fairly scattered in my thoughts and can't even decide which restaurant we should go to...how can I possibly think about ingredients and preparing a meal? Remember...I am just now beginning to "see the light."

However, Saturday I made shrimp havarti, crab legs, roasted mushrooms, Cesar-Salad and pasta. Tonight, we had grilled cheese sandwiches and chili. It was nice to NOT have to head out to a restaurant...which we usually do...not to mention the dollars saved.

Throughout the weekend though....I still can't help but think that I am getting back on the roller-coaster. We were together...well just occupying the same space... this weekend, but he still made several phone calls and seemed to be his usual "caged-animal self." He called our old drinking-neighbor M. I'm sure he was trying to "muster-up" someone to go out with-to get in his quota (how he needs to get fully drunk every weekend).

Everyone must have been busy...so lucky me...he chose us this weekend. (How sad this sounds).

See...my hubby is not the alcoholic that is content to stay home with his family and get drunk...(not that this would be any easier...just easier in my sick mind of control) He...on-the-other-hand... likes to be away from me/our daughter/responsibilities when he is drinking.

This could be:

• at a bar
• at a friend's house watching a football game
• just going to have "a" cocktail
• with an old friend in from out-of-town
• going to after-work functions
• helping someone to do "something"
• JUST PLAIN AWAY!

That's the thing with this disease that I am having the hardest time with...I am a planner...a controller of situations (or so I think). So, even though he was home, I knew something would soon follow...the other shoe would drop... and he would be off....to leave me to my own devices. My own worst device...FEAR.

• FEAR of a DUI-How has this man driven drunk every weekend for 20 years and never received one?
• FEAR of him killing himself or others in a car accident.
• Fear of getting to be sleep-deprived as I wait for him to roll in.
• FEAR of lying in bed with that "gut-wrenching" anxiety until he makes it home.
• FEAR of the "phone-call"...you know the one...when he says he will either be home soon (already it's 1:00 a.m.) or that he cannot drive home and will stay at J.'s house.
• FEAR of losing it all to his alcoholism...all the material possessions...our new home, my new car, having to go back to work full-time to support myself and our daughter if he's gone?
• FEAR of my daughter losing her Father whom she dearly adores.
• FEAR of my husband meeting someone in a bar and having an affair.
• FEAR of losing him. Then...when he walks in at 2:00 a.m....and...suddenly...

ANGER replaces the FEAR. Only to repeat this cycle all over again.

I wait...I wonder...which weekend will it happen? The usual cycle is once a month. The hardest part is the "not knowing?" when....I know this sounds morbid...but I compare it to hearing planes which fly over our house often. Each time one seems to be flying low or seems extremely close...I listen...I fear...will this one hit the house? It's like that with him...I have no control over when and if it will happen. This...I have come to finally recognize.

Last year...when my parents were here for Thanksgiving, they had just arrived from out-of-town (they live 5 hours away). We were making pizza the night before Thanksgiving day. He got off work at noon and went out with a coworker (his alcoholic best friend) to drink. I kept calling and got the dreaded "no answer" . He is famous for the no-answer when he is drinking, which is so aggravating....so finally, we ate the pizza without him.

He came home at 7:30-totally drunk in front of my parents. He says hello and then proudly announces that he is going to bed-at 8:00 p.m.! He stumbles into the bedroom and passes out. I guess I'm fearing that this will happen all over again! Then, I get to deal with the words/looks/disapproval that will come flying from my parents-You know...the dysfunctional parents-a big part in why I chose my husband and why I have stayed so long....

Can you say AL-ANON anyone? I know you're thinking..."This girl is nutzo!" I know I am. These obsessions/fears and me trying to control are driving me crazy. I love what I hear from all of you and I like what I've seen so far in Al-anon. I want the calm/serenity that so many of you have...I know in my head how to get it...but it's not yet in my heart. It is not yet a daily way of living. I am beginning to see things differently though. So...please forgive me...if I'm ranting about him...I am trying to bring the focus back to ME. This is why I cannot wait for this week's meeting.

I'm ready to get off this roller-coaster or better yet...I don't ever want to get on the ride again.

I like To Move It!

I took my daughter to Madagascar II tonight.   It was a great movie.   For the first time, I finally let myself "be in the moment" and enjoyed the movie. I probably only let my mind wander about "him" a couple of times (few seconds each time...as compared to an entire movie in the past).   My Q. was working late.   He is in the I.T./I.S. field, and he had to do something with the network.   This means he may not get home until late.    So, I decided to head to the movies.   Before Q. left tonight to head back to work, we had great communication and all had hugs & kisses.    I found myself feeling guilty for going without him, but I knew I had to begin to branch out and not wait for his "kibble" every weekend.   I usually do not make any plans hoping that I will somehow fit into his life.   This has led me to become quite isolated at times.  I think the guilt came from the fact that normally...he would call me as he way driving home from work at 3:00ish and mention that he would be either: a) stopping off to have "a drink" with his friend (also an alcoholic) or b) meeting his friend at a bar for "a drink".   Then he would show up around 7:00 to 8:00ish drunk and tired.    This is the current trend.  I know that the tide will change soon as the holidays approach.    Usually...this means friends from out of town will return.   More bar and late night evenings....I'm really trying to NOT obsess about him.   I did very well today.   Got a haircut, actually got dressed up just to drop off daughter at Preschool.    Went shopping, etc...basically, I kept myself busy.    While I was at Whole Foods shopping, I noticed I was trying to be friendly and could tell I must have had more confidence...because many were responding slightly more positive than usual.   Ok...I know that sounds like a Codie thing to say...but it just felt like a pretty good day.   Minus the guilt from enjoying the movie while he was working.   All a part of the process I guess.    

Little Miss Sunshine is Born!

Today is my first official blog! I've tried 3 times to make one, but kept having technical difficulties. Why the title? Partly because I have always presented myself as the..."Little Miss Sunshine" to others...(Peace at all Costs) you know. My facade is a bright smile-full of sparkling white teeth....however, my heart was breaking inside. Also...the "lightbulb" has truly been turned on! I am now fully understanding the depth of my co-dependence, my issues of control, etc... Most importantly...Why have I been married to an alcoholic for nearly 16 years? Obviously...my pain tolerance seems to be sky-high! Also...I will turn 40 on January 3. As this birthday looms...I am finally taking inventory of my life and learning that I don't have to wait for my spouse to recover for me to have a wonderful life. Last year...(around this time) I went to my first-and-only-3 Al-Anon Meetings. I absolutely fear speaking in front of others and I was asked to read aloud from a book (imagine that?). As a teacher...I know...how can you not do this? I'll explain in a later-post. My Q. tried to make me feel guilty for going to those 3 meetings. (i.e.- Mommy cannot tuck you in tonight because she has a "meeting" to our daughter.) Or...he would just act irritable a couple of days leading-up to the meeting night. So...I "ALLOWED" my spouse to get-to-me and found numerous other reasons for "why I don't need Al-Anon." Strangely enough...I believe I did hit "my bottom" several years ago. However...I kept trudging along...watching his alcoholism progress at an alarming rate. Recently...I have "seen the light!" I am finally getting it and went to a new Al-Anon Meeting yesterday. I now know that I have allowed my spouse to become my life and I need a new life. More to come...I am new to this whole blogging thing and I am trying hard to NOT try to sensor my thoughts as a way to truly recover and heal. I hope that this journal will be a way to document my daily thoughts, ramblings, etc... as I truly begin to find out who I am? Also, reading other Al-Anon related blogs has been instrumental in helping me so far. But for today...I truly feel like..."Little Miss Sunshine!"