Honest Scrap

Thank you Cat for choosing me.    I'm about a month late on posting...but...I will try to put something together.   I just posted around an hour ago and I may as well stay up the rest of the night.   It is now 4:51 a.m.   YIKES!      Anyway...Here it goes...

1) I was a nanny for 6 months in Chicago roughly 20 years ago.   I lived near Michael Jordan and one day I rang his doorbell and met his wife (Juanita).   She mentioned that he no longer meets with people/neighbors.   But that he used to let kids in the neighborhood play basketball on his home-courts.   Oh course.....he no longer lives in this house and is now divorced.

2) I also nannied for a family on Cape Cod.   They were a Greek family that had ties to the Mafia of some sorts.   At times, I feared for my life and ended up flying home early.   It was a great experience though....It was the first time that I actually flew on an airplane (at age 21)  and that I saw the ocean for the first time.

3) I read PEOPLE magazine each Saturday morning (right after it is delivered to my mailbox).   I read it cover-to-cover in about 20 minutes  (its reading level is probably grade 2!)    I love every guilty minute of it!    I cannot stop.  It's one of my guilty pleasures.

4) I could eat Mexican Food at least 5 nights a week!   Chips & Salsa, a frozen margarita and a side of Guacamole would be my last meal ....if I had to choose...Oh yeah...by the way...I had Mexican Food again tonight!

5) I have a public speaking phobia!   I am probably one of the most seemingly outgoing people you could meet.   Put me in a room of strangers and one-one-one I can go through the whole room and introduce myself and strike up conversations with anyone.   But....put me on the spot....or in a circle and ask me to introduce myself and tell a bit about me....I FREEZE....MY HEART-RATE rises...MY VOICE WILL EVEN START TO SHAKE!....It's crazy!     Probably the low-self-esteem thing rising to the surface.    I hope to get to the bottom of this by working the 12 steps this year.

6) I love to Shop and Spend Money!   It gives me a "high" probably much like an alcoholic gets when they drink.    When my husband gets paid....I pay all the bills and then balance the checkbook.   Then I rationalize what items I would like to buy for either Clementine, myself, or the house and then begin looking online or go the mall.    I usually feel guilty afterwards....see....we have 4 credit cards with SUBSTANTIAL BALANCES (to say the least)...but I end of shopping all over again.   My husband just got paid yesterday and today I went online and ordered snow pants and snow boots at Hanna Andersson for Clementine.   I also ordered a few birthday presents for her too.

7) I taught 1st Grade for 15 years at the same school.   My 2 year leave is about to expire in May.   I have to let them know if I will be going back by March.   I am hoping to just sub next year....but am worried about Clark's drinking progressing and wonder if I should go back full-time.    I also like structure and "not-knowing" where I will sub the next day until the morning-of is a bit unnerving.

8) I am a Christian who is constantly struggling with developing a relationship with Christ.    I am always seem to be "church shopping".   Just can't seem to find the right church...might be that "Not liking people thing...." continuing to follow me.     I am beginning to like people and not constantly judge them or try to measure myself up against them.

9) I always wanted to be  mother....even when I was little.   I always thought I would have at least 3 children.   Now...I have been begging Clark to get a vasectomy.   Having another child at 40 is doable for some...but not advisable to a Diabetic with only 1/2 of my pancreas left to do an Insulinoma tumor.

Since having that surgery in 2004, I am kind of like a car with hail-damage...Even though I was repaired...I have never been the same since!   I now have a rare gallbladder thing called biliary dyskensia.   I have had a dilation of my esophagus  due to an esophageal ring.    I have had a needle biopsy done on a tumor on my thyroid.  Thankfully...it was benign..    Then I fell down a flight of stairs and sprained my ankle so severely that I was in a cast for 6 weeks.   Oh yeah...I also had a severe reaction to something I ate and had to be rushed to the ER.   I looked like I had injected BOTOX all over my face!   Then severe hives came on and remained for about 4 months.   No cause was found for either of these things.    So as you can see...I have never been quite the same since surgery. I was so healthy before that and now wonder if many of these things ....even possibly the pancreatic tumor may have come on as a result of internalizing all my stress for years.

10) I took my first yoga class last year and loved it!   I was also introduced to the Netti-Nasal-Cleansing-Pot.    It's a little pot (like a tea-pot) only with a longer spout.   You put the spout in one nostril and pour in warm sea-salt water and Waalaah!  it goes up into your sinuses and comes out on the other side!  I do it weekly and once a day when I feel like I have a sinus infection coming on.   It took some practice...but now I'm a Netti-Pot-Pro!   I'm proud to say that I haven't had a sinus infection in 2 years!   May sound gross.....but....Good Things...Ha! Ha!

Sorry...but I don't read enough yet to keep up with who has received this...so feel free to take part in this too...Happy 2009 to all of you.

Christmas 2008

Wow....it's 2:25 a.m. on early Sunday morning.    I have soooo much to be thankful for and know it.    However....I have to include 1 more negative post in 2008.     As I am not feeling anything right now other than sorrow....anger....and more towards my alcoholic husband.   See in the last 6 days, he has gone out....

• December 22: His friend J.G. was in town from Texas....and in true fashion they went out. He came home very intoxicated at 1:30 a.m.
  

• December 24: He called me from work at 2:00 p.m. to inform me that he was "just" going to his friend's J.K. for a "drink" and then he would be home.   I begged....I pleaded...Please, it's Christmas Eve....please don't do this tonight!     Around 8:30 p.m....After helping my 4 year old write a letter to Santa...put out cookies and milk...praying with her and tucking her into bed...he shows up....completely drunk.    
  

• December 27: His friend J.M. was in town from California.   And in their true fashion, he went out.    I woke up at 1:30 with a panicky feeling as I heard sirens nearby.   I usually never hear sirens and suddenly had this sinking feeling that he may have been in an accident.    I called his cell phone...no answer...I called again at 2:00 a.m..he answered...said he was in the driveway and ready to pull into the garage.   He acted as if nothing was wrong...said they went to a bar and then to Burger King and then sat in Target's parking lot to eat their food, then he went his way and mine drove home drunk again....
  

Anymore...I react quite differently to his drinking than I used to 5 to 10 years ago.   I used to try to hunt him down...call his cell phone relentlessly...yell and scream when he did arrive and then give him the silent treatment for a week.   Only to follow with a "serious" talk and he would agree with everything I said (this enraged me)....only for a short reprieve of his "crazy" late nights...for him to do it again approximately 1 month later.    Needless to say...his drinking has progressed.   

In the last 5 years...I pretty much go into "denial" mode just like him when he goes out to drink. However, I fret and worry as in the last year...his drinking has gotten way worse.    

 The 2008 standouts are:

1) He threw a rock at the window in an attempt to wake me up when he came home from his work's Christmas party drunk and couldn't get in the front door.   A van of 3 ladies sat out front waiting for him to get in.

2) He passed out in the driveway with his car running after returning home from the bar at 2:00 a.m.   It was February and freezing and snowing!    I wondered what to do?   If I went out to get him...would he "hit" the gas and run me over?   Or run into the garage?   All these thoughts were raging through my mind.   I remember being especially upset because I was still up frantically cleaning the house as it was to be put on the market the next day.   Our agent was to come by at 9:00 to look at the house.    What did I do?   I first went outside and took a picture of him...for evidence you know? (for what?  I don't know?)   Then I ran back inside...contemplated calling the police...then he suddenly stumbled in.

3) I got a call from a bar in a nearby college town.   The bartender had found my husband's cell phone and called me to say it had been left in the bar.   See...earlier that day my husband had set off with his true alcoholic friend for life J.K to head to the college football spring game. Not even sure it they made it to the game?   But got a call from his friend to tell me that they didn't know where their car was?    J.K's ex codie girlfriend drove an hour and a half to the hugely crowded game to find them and drive them home.   When they arrived...my husband was peeing in the driveway and had to be helped into the house.

4) Not sure when it was...but he was passed out in bed and our 4 year old tried to wake him.   She stood crying saying that..."Mommy, why won't he wake up?"   She knew something was up because any other sober time...he would wake up within seconds and scoop her up and love her up!   He is quite careful to shield Clementine from his antics.   But lately...he can't do this as easily...

Now...these are just the "Stand-Outs"...However, every weekend in the last year has been filled with drunkenness in some way-shape-form.     He has even upped it to getting drunk a couple times a month in the middle of the week.     Also...a new thing for him is having alcohol in the house to drink 1 or 2 beers every night before he goes to bed.   A few years ago...we never had alcohol in the house unless we were having someone over for dinner.    

I am so freakin scared tonight.   I feel like everything near and dear to me could slip away at any moment.    He still works at the same job that he has been at for 23 years.   He makes a great salary...But... I see him getting more stressed about work and talking about the stress and the higher expectations that are being put on him...This only scares me that his drinking is affecting his work and some may be seeing this.   Also...it only adds fuel to the weekend fire as he wants to escape work and get drunk.    I have put all my trust in this alcoholic that I dearly love in the last 2 years that I have not been teaching.   I have no salary.   I know that if he loses his job....we will lose this new beautiful home and possibly everything.   Will I find out that he is having an affair?    I know this goes right along with drinking and we are not close in the slightest....   I know all my fretting and worrying does me no good.    Just typing and telling you all helps me feel a little better.   

Back to Christmas Eve....Usually...I just wait up listening for the garage-door to open and for him to safely make it into the  house....but for some reason...(could it be that it was Christmas Eve?) that I was especially mad that he was out.     We both said  some real mean things to each other.    See...it's easy for this codie to tell him all about his "Marquee Sins"  because they are more apparent.   The drinking...going to bars....etc...   But I seem to put myself up on my pious pedestal because I "just" take care of Clementine all the time....am a good mom...and blah...blah...blah..

Then yesterday...I had a real heavy heart all day.     God was convicting me.   See....for all my indirect codie sins that I commit...God forgives me time and time again and welcomes me back with loving arms wide open.     I was brought to my knees again.   So...for the first time...I bravely apologized to my husband Clark.   It went something like this.   

Clark...I am sorry for all the mean things I said the other night.    I love you.   I'm not sure if you've noticed any changes in me yet.   But as you know I have been going to Al-Anon.   I am going to Al-Anon not to talk about you but to heal.   See I have SOOO MUCH wrong with me and need recovery.   Please be patient with me and support me when I need to go to a meeting.    I love you.   

Wow....that took so much from this dysfunctional codie!   I drained me!   Then it gave me peace and joy and finally I'm saying this...serenity.     He even responded wonderfully.   

He said...thank you for those kind words.    I have seen a change in you....but...sometimes you just get sick-and-tired-of-being-sick-and-tired.    I get it.    I love you too.   

We hugged and that was it.    But there was this unsaid closeness between us that wasn't there before.     Then tonight came and went and I was right back in the muck again.    But for now...my dear husband of almost 16 years is nicely-tucked-in upstairs in bed and we are all safe. 

Please pray for us.    

  

P.S. - I will post more later...but I do have a few Christmas pictures to post.  I actually baked this year.    Something very new for me...so you guys have to see the picts.   I didn't take the cookie photos until most were gone...but...oh well.    

Also...my husband's Dad, brother and sister came for Christmas.   It was a breakthrough and glorious.   See my husband has only seen his Dad probably 4 times in the last 16 years and we live in the same city.   Much more to write about this....But for now...it is 4:02 a.m. and I want to get up early and try out a new church tomorrow with Clementine.     Thank you for your encouragement.   I know I don't deserve it.   I rarely post and comment and I'm sorry.   2009 might get better.   I am calm for now.   Goodnight. 

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving came in smoothly with family and left abruptly with hurt feelings for all.   Can't even begin to go into it all...but today I want to focus on the positive things that occurred during those precious 3 days.

• I am thankful for the beautiful smiles of my niece and nephews.  They are growing up so fast.  
• I am thankful for the excitement that our daughter had while playing her little heart out.
• I am thankful for the time I had shopping with my sister for all the groceries needed.   We haven't been able to do that for sooo long!
• I am thankful that Mom gave us her card to let us buy all kinds of goodies to help make the dinners and Thanksgiving a success.    
• I am grateful for the great weather they had in traveling to our house.
• I am thankful that all kiddos were healthy.
• I am grateful that dad didn't go into shock and give me a lecture about our new car.
• I am grateful that the kids seem to sleep OK for being in unfamiliar surroundings.
• I am thankful that I saw C. acting beautifully and is growing up nicely...even without meds anymore.   I hope she can maintain without them.    I really miss her and would like her to stay with us for a week if you're willing.    You know I will be her ONLY AUNTIE.
• I am thankful that Mom & Dad took the kids to the nearby park on Friday.
• Thank you G. for complementing me on how I cut my pickles and sliced the turkey just the right size for the little ones.   That made me feel good. 
• Thank you for admiring the kitchen and letting me know that you liked it.   That also meant a lot to me.   I value your opinion.   
• I am thankful for all the delicious breads, cookies, pumpkin-pie and your home-made biscotti, your yummy toffee bars and the cappuccinos rocked G!    The Strata for brunch on Thursday was a hit and I need the recipe for the yummy salad with the Gorgonzola cheese and cranberry stuff.   How did you make that salad dressing?
• Mom I loved the chex mix, breads, cookies, pies and appreciate all the meat and cinnamon rolls you stocked our deep freeze with.    I just made homemade beef and noodles tonight and they were delicious!    
• I am grateful for the massager that you brought.   It is now on my wish list for hubby to buy me for Christmas.

I am so sorry that my sister felt unwelcome and left early.     We could have had such fun shopping and taking the kids to do fun things in the city over the weekend.    I know the Thanksgiving meal was chaotic and wish it would have gone differently.       I will call her but knew we both need the quiet distance for a week or so.   

I will say that just like what I'm learning in al-anon...it was similar that weekend.     I did not cause it....I cannot change it.....I cannot cure it....and so on.         It is so hard to set boundaries and not internalize when people are not happy with me.    But for the record sis....I am sorry and did treasure the time we did spend together.   Maybe someday....we need to get away...just the 2 of us for a spa trip or something like that-without kids or husbands.    

I know that even though I am working on loving detachment with my husband....it seems like I'm only being successful at the detaching-without love towards everyone.   I am a work in progress.    And I will never be perfect.       I love my family dearly and want God's best for all of us.    So G.   if you're reading this-sorry for everything.    I love you.        

I wrote this post but somehow didn't get it online....I have another crazy post to write about last weekend when I'm not so tired.   But tonight....I am grateful for my warm home as it is beginning to snow.   We are supposed to get our first measurable snow of the season.   Probably around 3 inches.     During my 16 years of teaching (I'm on a 2 year leave)...whenever snow was even in the forecast, I would watch the 3 local weather stations, The Weather Channel and constantly flip channels to see if it would snow the required 5-6 inches to cancel school.    The phone ringing to say "School is Closed" was just the BEST feeling on a cold morning.   So tonight I am grateful that I will go to bed knowing that I don't have to go to work in the morning.    I am also grateful that hubby will not have to scrape his windows at 5:00 in the morning when he leaves for work, as we now have our cars in a garage.

I need to just give God praise and just enjoy the morning with my sweet dolly (my 4 year old daughter.)   Have a sweet peaceful night.

OK...I've retired and I'm back already.   I keep reading all my favorite blogs and getting inspiration.    I have checked out another Al-Anon meeting and will continue to look for a sponsor because boy do I need one.   

I noticed something about myself lately.    This will sound bad, but I am trying not to sensor myself.  I don't really like people.   I want to like people.   I want people to like me...well that one is a given and it has been for my whole life.   When I meet someone new...I am usually fixed on how they're viewing me.   I rarely see people for who they really are.   I have met maybe 2 to 3 other people in my life that I really wanted to pursue a close friendship with....but the friendships never tend to get off the ground...maybe because they could see that I am not true to myself???   

When I meet most people, I generally find lots of  "stuff-wrong" with them....I'm sure it's my own blazing insecurities and low self-esteem.     However, today...I noticed that I tried to look at each person I spoke to at my daughter's preschool as true people.   I tried to listen attentively to their words.   Usually, I am hung-up on..."how do I look?"  or  "Crap...I think my lips are dry and need Carmex!....or...."I know she is looking at me and thinking this-or-that."   Pretty shallow huh?    Sad..but true.   Like I said, I at least tried to focus on them.    I am learning that I am just as selfish as my alcoholic is in so many ways.    How can I expect to make new friends in our new area (we just moved last May) when I am so focused on him?    

A note on Thanksgiving.   This one will be interesting.   My parents, my sister and her 3 kids (ages 9, 2, and 4) are all going to stay with us since we moved and now have space for everyone. Now that I am having an awakening of sorts...I wonder if many crazy words will get said between my Dad and I.   He seems to ruin most meals, holidays, conversations, etc...with his obsession over money and his negative outlook on life.     Then I watch my Mom cater to him and run herself ragged to please everyone.   All the while, my spouse is pacing the room like a caged animal waiting for the next "appropriate" opportunity to get drunk while they are here.   Lately...it doesn't even have to be appropriate-(Like a neighbor calling to invite him over to watch a football game.)     When I watch from the outside...my mom and dad interacting...I see me and my spouse through and through.   Yeah..maybe my dad doesn't have the alcoholism, but he is an angry sad bitter old man.   He wants everyone to listen to him rant on about today's economy, etc... 

Oh...the Holidays....my resolutions for this week are:

• When my mom or dad become negative....walk away or grab the kids to start playing a game, etc...Most adults in my family loathe true playtime with kids...(including me...) so it should be an interesting attempt.
  

• When my husband gets negative or starts drinking, try to find the positive in our beautiful 4-year-old.
  

• Try to get outside (if it's warm enough...) and take those interested for a walk or to play at the nearby park.

Try to focus on family and try to lovingly detach from spouse when needed.  I still don't know what this means..."loving detachment?"    Whenever I try....he gets mad and I get some sort of attitude...then I get mad...then guilty...then sad...and repeat the cycle.   Did any of you do this at the beginning of recovery.     Just curious...how many of you out there found true peace and recovered on your own - perhaps...with the help of your higher power  - while your S.O. was still drinking?   Just need some hope I guess...  Well, gotta get rest....my family also wakes up at 6:00 daily...so I need to save up on sleep tonight. Wow...I just noticed that it's already 12:31 a.m.  So much for getting to bed early.   They're coming tomorrow and I still have to clean the bathrooms, and do lots of last minute cleaning.   Why do I always wait until last minute anyway?    I kill myself off...then put on the Little-Miss-Sunshine face until I drop a day later. 

    

I do wish all of you a Happy - Safe - Peaceful Thanksgiving.  

Little Miss Sunshine Retires...

First of all....THANK YOU to everyone that has commented on this blog.   I found myself so excited to read each comment and even had that Junior High Crush feeling when I would post and wait for the next comment to come through.   (Yeah...I know...what a sad life...that I don't have too many other exciting things going on).    But...honestly...I feel like I am at such an early stage in my recovery that I don't feel positive enough yet to write honestly without bringing others down with me in the process.   

In the few Al-Anon Meetings I've been to....I sit-I listen-I say very little...then watch as a few people talk at the end...but many of them scurry off and leave.   I have searched the crowd...(when I say crowd-I mean there are probably close to 100 people that go to this meeting-then they break into small groups after about 20 minutes) looking for someone that I feel a connection to...someone with some similar issues (or past issues) as me...but it's NOT working.    Most seem to already have their inner circles or people they talk to.... Possibly, I'm giving off the wrong vibe?!  But I am really a positive cheerful girl (in public-they don't know the real sad me...) desperately looking for a sponsor.   I did connect with one girl...I asked her if she would be my sponsor...then I found out that she is dealing with her husband having an affair-he doesn't hold a job-and she works full time to support her 4 kids and is fairly new to the program herself.   WOW..just when I thought I had problems...What I also see is...many attend the meetings that have kids that are now alcoholics or that grew up in an alcoholic family.   I guess I am being selfish.   This is my TOP TEN LIST for the my selfish SELF and the I WANTS for Al-Anon.

1. I want to meet others that are married to alcoholics and FIND A SPONSOR.
   
2. I want to know what to say to my spouse when he comes home at 2:00 a.m. drunk-Actually...I want to know what to say to him anytime...he refuses to discuss anything and we don't talk unless it's Pleasantries of the Day....
3. I want to know how to function and meet a healthy couple when my husband binge drinks.
   
4. I want to know how to NOT FEEL GUILTY each time I try to assert myself to my husband and tell him I am going to an Al-Anon meeting without him getting mad.
   
5. I want to know how to respond to my spouse when he has his BABY ANGRY FIT moments.
   
6. I want to know how to GROW CONFIDENCE in myself so I don't have an anxiety attack each time I want to speak in front of a group.
   
7. I want to know if I should stay-or-leave?   P.S.-I wouldn't ever qualify for health insurance on my own again-I had this rare cancer thing that came on after I gave birth to our daughter.   I am OK... for now...but I am a diabetic because they removed half of my pancreas due to a rare pancreatic tumor.   So...I desperately need his health insurance.
8. I want to know if I am harming my child by staying or leaving?
   
9. I want to know...how long before I can be HAPPY alone?
   
10. I want to know...WHEN WILL THIS CO-DEPENDENT CAPER turn into INDEPENDENT CAPER?
    

Basically...I have found that all I want to write about...are the things that he is doing that irritate me and how he is becoming increasingly more distant from me and our daughter as his Alcoholism progresses.  

However...he works very hard at his job-but... then wants to be a couch potato whenever he is at home.   (See..I feel guilty even saying this...I am the stay-at-home mom-he supports us with a great income-he works hard and is tired...you know....) But...he really has NO relationship of ANY KIND with me.   So, I find it hard to write about anything but the NEGATIVE NELLY kind of stuff...

So...I will eagerly await your comments again and then I plan to write in a journal-format for myself, but no posting again until I get myself feeling somewhat grounded and a sponsor to vent all the other negative junk to.   I will continue to read all of your posts.   My favorites are Syd and Cat.    They have both lived in similar situations and I have learned so much from them. I love you guys!      I'm not giving up...I'm just on a hiatus until I can see through the fog.    

See all of you soon.   

You may still email me...if you'd like at:      LittleMissSunshineis40@gmail.com     

Roller-Coaster Ride Anyone?

Wow...what a lazy weekend. Basically, I did not leave the house since Friday evening. Only to step out onto the deck for a moment today. It was freezing here all weekend! The cool thing is...that all of us were together all weekend. Me...the co-dependent that I am...A perfect day to me is: A clean house, laundry done & put away, clean sheets on the beds, checkbook balanced and all 3 of us together in my little controlled world. Yes....he watched tons of football and drank #? (ok...I'll admit...I was counting...9 beers since Saturday morning-not his usual quota). Overall, a very laid-back weekend.

Finally, I got it together and cooked 2 meals this weekend. I like to cook...but this disease of watching out for my alcoholic is so exhausting...I do tend to be fairly scattered in my thoughts and can't even decide which restaurant we should go to...how can I possibly think about ingredients and preparing a meal? Remember...I am just now beginning to "see the light."

However, Saturday I made shrimp havarti, crab legs, roasted mushrooms, Cesar-Salad and pasta. Tonight, we had grilled cheese sandwiches and chili. It was nice to NOT have to head out to a restaurant...which we usually do...not to mention the dollars saved.

Throughout the weekend though....I still can't help but think that I am getting back on the roller-coaster. We were together...well just occupying the same space... this weekend, but he still made several phone calls and seemed to be his usual "caged-animal self." He called our old drinking-neighbor M. I'm sure he was trying to "muster-up" someone to go out with-to get in his quota (how he needs to get fully drunk every weekend).

Everyone must have been busy...so lucky me...he chose us this weekend. (How sad this sounds).

See...my hubby is not the alcoholic that is content to stay home with his family and get drunk...(not that this would be any easier...just easier in my sick mind of control) He...on-the-other-hand... likes to be away from me/our daughter/responsibilities when he is drinking.

This could be:

• at a bar
• at a friend's house watching a football game
• just going to have "a" cocktail
• with an old friend in from out-of-town
• going to after-work functions
• helping someone to do "something"
• JUST PLAIN AWAY!

That's the thing with this disease that I am having the hardest time with...I am a planner...a controller of situations (or so I think). So, even though he was home, I knew something would soon follow...the other shoe would drop... and he would be off....to leave me to my own devices. My own worst device...FEAR.

• FEAR of a DUI-How has this man driven drunk every weekend for 20 years and never received one?
• FEAR of him killing himself or others in a car accident.
• Fear of getting to be sleep-deprived as I wait for him to roll in.
• FEAR of lying in bed with that "gut-wrenching" anxiety until he makes it home.
• FEAR of the "phone-call"...you know the one...when he says he will either be home soon (already it's 1:00 a.m.) or that he cannot drive home and will stay at J.'s house.
• FEAR of losing it all to his alcoholism...all the material possessions...our new home, my new car, having to go back to work full-time to support myself and our daughter if he's gone?
• FEAR of my daughter losing her Father whom she dearly adores.
• FEAR of my husband meeting someone in a bar and having an affair.
• FEAR of losing him. Then...when he walks in at 2:00 a.m....and...suddenly...

ANGER replaces the FEAR. Only to repeat this cycle all over again.

I wait...I wonder...which weekend will it happen? The usual cycle is once a month. The hardest part is the "not knowing?" when....I know this sounds morbid...but I compare it to hearing planes which fly over our house often. Each time one seems to be flying low or seems extremely close...I listen...I fear...will this one hit the house? It's like that with him...I have no control over when and if it will happen. This...I have come to finally recognize.

Last year...when my parents were here for Thanksgiving, they had just arrived from out-of-town (they live 5 hours away). We were making pizza the night before Thanksgiving day. He got off work at noon and went out with a coworker (his alcoholic best friend) to drink. I kept calling and got the dreaded "no answer" . He is famous for the no-answer when he is drinking, which is so aggravating....so finally, we ate the pizza without him.

He came home at 7:30-totally drunk in front of my parents. He says hello and then proudly announces that he is going to bed-at 8:00 p.m.! He stumbles into the bedroom and passes out. I guess I'm fearing that this will happen all over again! Then, I get to deal with the words/looks/disapproval that will come flying from my parents-You know...the dysfunctional parents-a big part in why I chose my husband and why I have stayed so long....

Can you say AL-ANON anyone? I know you're thinking..."This girl is nutzo!" I know I am. These obsessions/fears and me trying to control are driving me crazy. I love what I hear from all of you and I like what I've seen so far in Al-anon. I want the calm/serenity that so many of you have...I know in my head how to get it...but it's not yet in my heart. It is not yet a daily way of living. I am beginning to see things differently though. So...please forgive me...if I'm ranting about him...I am trying to bring the focus back to ME. This is why I cannot wait for this week's meeting.

I'm ready to get off this roller-coaster or better yet...I don't ever want to get on the ride again.

I like To Move It!

I took my daughter to Madagascar II tonight.   It was a great movie.   For the first time, I finally let myself "be in the moment" and enjoyed the movie. I probably only let my mind wander about "him" a couple of times (few seconds each time...as compared to an entire movie in the past).   My Q. was working late.   He is in the I.T./I.S. field, and he had to do something with the network.   This means he may not get home until late.    So, I decided to head to the movies.   Before Q. left tonight to head back to work, we had great communication and all had hugs & kisses.    I found myself feeling guilty for going without him, but I knew I had to begin to branch out and not wait for his "kibble" every weekend.   I usually do not make any plans hoping that I will somehow fit into his life.   This has led me to become quite isolated at times.  I think the guilt came from the fact that normally...he would call me as he way driving home from work at 3:00ish and mention that he would be either: a) stopping off to have "a drink" with his friend (also an alcoholic) or b) meeting his friend at a bar for "a drink".   Then he would show up around 7:00 to 8:00ish drunk and tired.    This is the current trend.  I know that the tide will change soon as the holidays approach.    Usually...this means friends from out of town will return.   More bar and late night evenings....I'm really trying to NOT obsess about him.   I did very well today.   Got a haircut, actually got dressed up just to drop off daughter at Preschool.    Went shopping, etc...basically, I kept myself busy.    While I was at Whole Foods shopping, I noticed I was trying to be friendly and could tell I must have had more confidence...because many were responding slightly more positive than usual.   Ok...I know that sounds like a Codie thing to say...but it just felt like a pretty good day.   Minus the guilt from enjoying the movie while he was working.   All a part of the process I guess.    

Little Miss Sunshine is Born!

Today is my first official blog! I've tried 3 times to make one, but kept having technical difficulties. Why the title? Partly because I have always presented myself as the..."Little Miss Sunshine" to others...(Peace at all Costs) you know. My facade is a bright smile-full of sparkling white teeth....however, my heart was breaking inside. Also...the "lightbulb" has truly been turned on! I am now fully understanding the depth of my co-dependence, my issues of control, etc... Most importantly...Why have I been married to an alcoholic for nearly 16 years? Obviously...my pain tolerance seems to be sky-high! Also...I will turn 40 on January 3. As this birthday looms...I am finally taking inventory of my life and learning that I don't have to wait for my spouse to recover for me to have a wonderful life. Last year...(around this time) I went to my first-and-only-3 Al-Anon Meetings. I absolutely fear speaking in front of others and I was asked to read aloud from a book (imagine that?). As a teacher...I know...how can you not do this? I'll explain in a later-post. My Q. tried to make me feel guilty for going to those 3 meetings. (i.e.- Mommy cannot tuck you in tonight because she has a "meeting" to our daughter.) Or...he would just act irritable a couple of days leading-up to the meeting night. So...I "ALLOWED" my spouse to get-to-me and found numerous other reasons for "why I don't need Al-Anon." Strangely enough...I believe I did hit "my bottom" several years ago. However...I kept trudging along...watching his alcoholism progress at an alarming rate. Recently...I have "seen the light!" I am finally getting it and went to a new Al-Anon Meeting yesterday. I now know that I have allowed my spouse to become my life and I need a new life. More to come...I am new to this whole blogging thing and I am trying hard to NOT try to sensor my thoughts as a way to truly recover and heal. I hope that this journal will be a way to document my daily thoughts, ramblings, etc... as I truly begin to find out who I am? Also, reading other Al-Anon related blogs has been instrumental in helping me so far. But for today...I truly feel like..."Little Miss Sunshine!"