Little Miss Sunshine

Still Here...

2009-02-11T23:11:00.007-06:00

About a month ago...actually it was Inauguration Day. My MAC powerbook died. It is only 2 1/2 years old. I was reading an al-anon blog and it just died. I took it to the MAC store and they plugged it into their disk repair and tried to locate my hard drive...but no luck. They told me to try to reinstall my hard drive using the original 2 DVDs that the computer came with. I tried and got to step 11 out of 12 and got the spinning wheel. Went back to the MAC store and begged for help again....they handed me 2 cards with names of DATA RECOVERY people. I really don't have anything on the computer....except 8,000 photos! My husband thinks that this is why it died. Luckily...I backed up most of the photos on Shutterfly...but now...I'll have to pay them to develop the pictures, but at least I'll still have them.

Life here is pretty much the same. I am going to try and savor what is left of this year before heading back to full time next year...or at least subbing close to full time. I am going to "TRY" to focus on ME and CLEM only. I am joining a new gym tomorrow and will try to keep the focus off HIM. I am starting to get that I cannot just wait and pray (hope) and wish for all to change...all the while...I'm drowning in HIM.

Clark has been closer to me and "family stuff" as he got bad news last week. See...he is a runner...yeah I know...you're thinking....an alcoholic athlete? yes...it does happen. Anyway, he told me he hasn't been running in the last few months because his knee was hurting and even his hip. Then he went in (2nd time to a doctor in 18 years!...so I knew he must be in pain) and had an x-ray of his hip and an MRI of his knee. It showed that he does have a torn medial meniscus and can have a scope procedure on his knee. They also told him that he has some arthritis in his knee. OK...now for the kicker....he needs a HIP REPLACEMENT! He is barely 41! The doctor said it was probably something he was born with or....an old football injury and that it was not from running. So he has been a little more attentive (well...he is sad about his own health...) to us....which helped me see what a mess I am.

For the last few weeks he hasn't drank...since he went to a family party (for his best friend's mother that was turning 73) drunk! I mean DRUNK! It was the first time that his 2 worlds collided! See usually he hurts Clem and I. His friends and his alcohol stay separate from his family. He will drink with buddies, but Clem rarely sees him drunk. Well...he got the news of the hip replacement and did what soothes him...called his drunk friend and they went to lunch. A 6 hour drinking lunch. Then...he knew he HAD to show up to this party...and I thought...go ahead...let everyone see you like this. It was so sad and quite embarrassing. Clem and I ended up leaving him there and came home early...after he attempted to carry Clem on his shoulders and started weaving with her. I handed out more of my vague bottomless threats the next morning and he hasn't drank since...not from my threats. Actually...it wasn't a threat...it was...wow...you need serious help...or I won't continue to stay in this mess. I know he will NOT get help...nor am I prepared to leave right now. I see him (and me) spiraling out of control in almost every area of his life. This is where my sickness comes in....

I am a mess watching this "car-wreck" but am sickly hoping his "Bottom" is near and that he will find help. Meanwhile, I am more focused on him now more than ever! I am promising all of you (even though I don't really know any of you) that I will attend an al-anon meeting and try to find a sponsor. Oh...and guy who told me about my "Sad Self" and gave me other choice words...if you are reading this...it makes you just as sad....I choose to be here and I choose to be in my marriage....I am not a victim. I don't rant-on to friends or others I know-all about my problems...that would be out of the "norm" for this Little Miss Sunshine....and frankly...this is currently my only outlet to all of it. Thank you Syd, Cat, Steve, Annette, Caroline, Willow, Philly and others for checking-in on me. All of you are like my family. Even though...just like with my own family...I isolate and try to do it alone. I am a work in progress.

Tonight...I almost caved and told Clark about my blog. Secretly...it is so he can see that I am writing about what a mess he is to others. "Yes...I do realize...I am sick...because it is all about him...yuck! I almost caved...but didn't. I think because as sick as this sounds....my blog is all that I have to myself...that he hasn't ruined...so for the time being...I will keep it private from him. Oh..and for the record...I am NOT writing about him on my blog...ok...maybe a sprinkle here and there...but this blog is NOT about him...it needs to be about ME.

P.S.-Right now...I am typing this post on my husband's Toshiba PC. I am such a PC novice and I can't stand the clickety-clacking of his keyboard right now. Hopefully, I'll complete our taxes soon and buy that new MAC that is sooo dreamy! By the way....my old Mac would be softly typing the letters and the keyboard would be glowing like the moonlight....AHHHH....

2009-01-09T22:48:00.006-06:00

I'm so tired of writing about sadness and my life with an alcoholic. I'm sure this is why I truly need al-anon. During the week...I just seem to go through the week as I find excuses to NOT go to an al-anon meeting. Here are just a few...

Boy...it's so uncomfortable to sit with strangers when I want to be home in my warm and toasty house.

I don't have the energy to go.

I would rather work on meeting with a counselor one-on-one and just read my al-anon books at home to get the encouragement that I need.

How will any possible stranger really "get" my situation and how I feel like I cannot divorce my husband due to many reasons. I'm afraid that once I find a sponsor...they will look at me like..."what the heck are you doing with this guy?"

My fear of opening up and speaking in front of others about uncomfortable feelings...

OK...there...I said them...just some of my excuses for NOT desiring al-anon...even though I know I need it in a bad way.

Today was Friday. It was cold and windy here. Clementine really opened my eyes to what she really "gets" about this whole alcoholism thing and her father. See...I have tried to shelter her from what I can. Also...I do not talk negatively about Clark. However, I'm sure she can see how I am sad and how I react ( or rather how I freeze and become numb...) when he gets ready to go out every weekend. I know I sound like a broken record...but...

He went out last night until 11 p.m. and watched the last big bowl game on TV with a friend. My alcohol meter in me guessed that he had drank around 5-6 beers. Today...he announced that his best friend J. (2 peas-in-a-pod alcoholic friend) would be taking him out for lunch today as his birthday is tomorrow.

Ah...I knew J. would try to get another drunken something out of him for his birthday. I know I shouldn't have anger towards J...but I can't help but blame him too.?

Today...I really trusted him when he said he would just be going out for lunch and he'd be home. I should have known. He said he would pick up J. Why would he have to pick up J. when J. was taking him out? Ah Ha! Because J. has an alcohol device on his car and cannot drive it when he drinks. I felt as if I was "Punked" again. Like Ashton Kutcher would appear at any moment!

Around 3:00, after picking up Clem from preschool, he called to say he would be home soon. Oh...this is when the anger starts to nervously simmer in me. What came next I could not believe....My 4 year old Clementine announces:

"Mommy, let's just go to a movie or something. That way when we are at the movies we won't think about the alcohol....you know the alcohol that daddy is drinking?"

Wow! I don't think I took a breath for a couple of minutes on that one. We ended up going home (not to a movie) as it was very windy and starting to snow.

At home the usual ensued as I tried to not let it bother me that he was still not home from his "lunch." Clementine and I ended up renting a movie from Digital Cable...Tinkerbell. I can't even remember any of it?

Then around 7:30 (that's only a 6 hour drinking lunch...) he drove into the garage. When the garage door opened, Clem ran over to me in a scared way. Why? She hasn't witnessed only a few ugly exchanges between us over 4 years. But yet...she gets it...she gets it all! I know she feels fear and anxiety and instinctively knows something is off.

She and I went to bed (that's also what happens when he reeks terribly from drinking....he gets sent to the guest room. It was so sad...he staggered in. Said hello. Went to change his clothes. Actually asked if I wanted him to say prayers with us. He could hardly talk.... Each night we say prayers with Clementine as we tuck her in bed.

Clem and I read books for around 30 minutes...then she started crying...I asked what was wrong? She just said, "I don't know why? I'm just sad." She said she wanted Daddy to sleep with us to. I asked her to go ask him. Oh course he had passed out already and she couldn't wake him. More tears.

My prayer for tonight...God, please give me strength and help me find a new way of living. Amen.

On a good note....I think? I have joined a Gym for 1 month. I am set to have a trainer work with me 3 days a week for a month. I am to weigh-in on Monday and have my fat tested/caliper thing done...Fun....I requested a female and got a male (named Chaz) Are you kidding? I thought... Poor guy. But...it is a start. So tomorrow...I will probably go eat a hamburger, fries and a milkshake for good measure. I feel like I'm shipping out to be on Biggest Loser. I just wish I could lose the 30 pounds that I need to lose in 1 week only... like the guy on Biggest Loser did last week.

I will try to be happy and positive tomorrow on Clark's 41st birthday. It will be hard. I am struggling lately with my faith. Is God testing my faith? Should I be treating Clark with forgiveness over and over and act like nothing is wrong when everything is? I know God is waiting for me to turn over all of it to HIM....why do I do this with my head...but not my heart?

Hope all of you are snug in your warm beds....if you can...please say a little prayer for my family tonight. God Bless.

2009-01-02T23:57:00.006-06:00

Hello everyone.

Things actually turned out quite well tonight. We took Clementine to K.'s house around 6:30 and went to dinner at 7:00. We shared a great Pinot Noir with dinner....so I probably had 2 glasses. Dinner was excellent. We even drove back into the city and drove down our old block where we lived for 14 years. It was our first house... and the home we brought Clementine home to as a newborn...so it has special meaning in our hearts. Then we drove and picked up Clementine around 9:30. She was still up and playing Connect 4 with K. I did break our contract with each other- (meaning that we did pick up Clem and drove home after Clark had nearly 2 glasses of wine. Thankfully, we only had to drive a little over a block from our neighbors that were watching her. Dinner was calm and we did have a great time. Thank you those of you that commented. I'm better now and plan to have a sweet day tomorrow. Clark did tell me as we were driving tonight that "you are really beautiful..." Wow, just as I blogged about how I felt down and under appreciated....I received those nice words. God is in control and I will focus on this tonight.

On a sad note....I just saw on TV that John Travolta's son was found dead....It brings you back to living in the here-and-now and in the moment. One just never knows. What a heartache for the family. I cannot imagine. I am also sending out love to JeNN at What Now? Her daughter Annie would have turned 27 tomorrow as we share the same birthday. What an awesome girl with a special mom with unlimited love. I pray that she will have a peaceful day.

Take Care and Have a Great Day everyone. Thank you for letting me rant earlier. Sometimes a girl's just gotta get things out. Goodnight.

2009-01-02T12:43:00.012-06:00

Hello again blog friends...

I don't think I've blogged 2 days in a row...who knows? I may continue the roll. I am in a real funk today....I am hanging onto my blog friends too tightly I believe. As I get further sucked into the blogworld and further depressed about my own reality....I tend to have a hopefulness when I read a comment-my codie comrades. Anyway...this is one thought today.

Also...I am now officially a FACEBOOK drop-out....and started only 2 weeks ago. I was invited to blog by my Aunt L. and invited by my friend K. and blogfriend C. So I got on it...then I started to feel like High School again....looking at how many friends were listed on other's sites that I visited...and especially my own....how sad. I even started inviting a few of you...and really...I don't really know you....but then again...you all know more about the "REAL" me than most of our friends that we regularly socialize with...

Then, the vulnerability came lashing in....I didn't want others to know the real me unless it was safe with blogfriends like yourselves. See....I don't want friends & neighbors to link me with the real unhappiness that I seem to be in currently. I am only comfortable with the Little Miss Sunshine persona for them. Ya know what I mean? Smiling and not letting them know the real me....I started getting panicky as I viewed others pictures and saw their kids picts too. I will walk through fire for my precious daughter and I just don't want anyone to connect the 2 or see my daughter. There are real freaks out there and I just feel I need protection right now. So I abruptly ended my Facebook. Maybe in 2009, I will grow and learn to use it. I am still learning about this blogging thing right now, so this will be my only technological adventure for now. So to you in the Facebook land, sorry for letting you down....but as you know...it is my life and my recovery.

OK....I'm a little hopped up on coffee and the Fiona Apple Get Gone song right now. I've had a very sad morning. Clark took Clementine to one of those Bounce-lands for kids. He informed me that a BIG 12 game would be starting at 1:00 so he would be back soon. Football has been blaring for a week. And no relief in sight until January 8...when his team will play....So I am left to blog in quiet. YEAH! I have been singing loudly Get Gone out loud and probably becoming a little too comfortable with the "Fuckin Go!" part.

Would you like to hear about the crazy morning? Unlike my husband...you guys will listen and even though I seek your approval (in true codie fashion) I can say whatever....so here goes the morning...

Clark woke and took Clementine downstairs. He made Carrot/Clementine (how fitting...ya know the little oranges?) grapefruit juice. We received a juicer for Christmas and have tried it out several times now. I have "quite the glow" from all the carrots I've ingested over the past few days. Anyway, I stayed upstairs to shower. When I came down....I simply asked him if we could go out tonight (for my birthday dinner) instead of tomorrow night....as tomorrow is forecasted to bring freezing rain/drizzle to the area and I would rather be home. We have a friend watching Clementine, so I needed to call her and ask if tonight would work. In "His True Fashion" of NOT being able to make any sort of decision...of any kind...no matter how small....he said...I think you are radiating this "thing" or attitude today....so I don't know. I replied, "well since you seem quite angry, I don't think I want to spend time with you.....He replied..."fine....you can go by yourself!" I sat, read the paper, sulked, tried to Al-Anon myself and not give him my energy....he (like usual) tried to just keep making the juice-pretending like nothing had just happened...I tried to drink my coffee...but a flood of sadness just came over me! I ran upstairs and sat in the bathroom sobbing for a good half an hour. I think the walls are coming in on me....It's all seeming like so much to handle! I know I should be posting a "Today, I am grateful for..." But I feel like a PMS crabby B today. So instead...I am thinking about:

turning 40 tomorrow
wrinkles are becoming more abundant and rapidly showing up everywhere on my face. My years of no sunscreen and living on the lakes are catching up with me.
I am out-of-shape...cellulite is NOT my friend.
I drank 2 glasses of wine myself on New Year's Eve (I hadn't drank since Nov. 16) Not sure why? After all, I don't have a problem with alcohol...except dealing with the effects from my husband's drinking. But I was trying to NOT drink....since I have lived/am living the devastating effects of Clark's drinking. So I feel I've let myself down. But today....I am feeling very vulnerable and like I could easily drink a bottle of Shiraz or a good Pinot myself....maybe even 2 bottles! It's just one of those days.
I feel totally unappreciated and unloved
I haven't had sex since last May...and even though I badly crave it...I will refuse Birthday sex...you know...that would be giving in to my desperation and all that makes me intensely sad too.
I feel "not so beautiful" - I am remembering the past today...See I did some modeling for the company I worked for when I was around 21. I even had some swimsuit shots. Not bragging...but I had a great body-and even ran a few 10K's, rode my mountain bike and worked out often....but now I am 20-30 pounds overweight and have a bad ankle that still hurts-even to walk on... Clark tells me the "it's not me...it's him." And I suppose that "jerking-off" to porn each night is less of a hassle than dealing with me....Sorry...had to go there!
We are in debt that I refuse to face any longer alone-I so want Clark to take some responsibility. Doesn't he care enough that his wife has a "charging problem"? After all, he is the only one with an income. I swear I could be on an episode of "DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES" However, I don't watch the show.

Anyway...I sat bawling locked in the bathroom....Clementine kept coming up to say...Daddy has juice for you Mommy....or she put her mouth (gross...I know...but heah, she's only 4) on the doorknob and proudly told me that she was breathing into the door to let me know that she was there....then that broke my heart and I cried even more.

Finally, I got myself together (swollen eyes and all) and came back downstairs. She told me that she was on "my side and Daddy's side." OK....open flood gates again! Clark apologized and said he didn't mean that he didn't want to go out with me but that I was not in the best mood. I called the babysitter and made plans for tonight. We will go to our favorite place where we have been only 2 other times. It's way too expensive for a regular night out. We enjoyed this restaurant on Clark's 20 year class reunion night will some of his high school friends and right when school was out the year I put in for my 2 year leave. He had just returned from San Antonio for a business trip. We love this restaurant and how they seem to have true professionals for servers. I am craving crab and Clark will probably get a filet.

Let me first tell you, my blog friends...that Clark and I RARELY go out (just the 2 of us). I would say only 10 times total in 4 and 1/2 years since Clementine was born. She is fine being away from us and even loves it....but...Clark has made it apparent that he chooses alcohol over both of us 98% of the time. He usually chooses alcohol and alcoholic friends over me and Clementine anyday of the week.....So when a night arises like tonight...it is almost "too much pressure" for it to be fun! He said he wouldn't drink so I could tonight (see, I won't drink and drive with Clementine in the car...and since we need to take her to our friend's house and then back home....1 of us has to be sober.) Well...that's no fun either....cause I know he will really want a drink....

Then we will go out for a nice dinner and I will feel uncomfortable with him. Because I have all this pent-up frustration of not-EVER being able to talk to him or share feelings and live the wrath of alcohol. I really want to hold him hostage and tell him all my thoughts without him walking away or tuning out. Since December 23, he has gone out 5 nights with his SINGLE friends over the holidays and drove home plastered each and every one of those 5 nights at 2:00-3:00 a.m.! (mind you he is a week away from turning 41....can anyone say "GROW UP!")

But on my birthday...it's just the facts ma'am...eat your food wife ...drink your wine wife ...pick up child...put child and wife to bed.....stay up and drink myself (awe-this is when Clark truly unwinds)....watch football....view porn....Happy Birthday Wife!!! This is what his view will be and this is what will happen. So I find myself already let-down. Sorry...I know I am a Negative Nelly and that I need recovery in a bad way.....I just want to get the 3rd over with. (maybe I'll blog tonight if it doesn't go too well and I'm sad-sorry....I am also a little self-absorbed today...I can't help it.

Just curious everyone out there.....??? How many of you who are NOT alcoholics and are married to ACTIVE alcoholics or ALCOHOLICS in RECOVERY still socially drink?

I find that I always have to be the sober one that can be responsible for our daughter and drive when needed. I only drink around 4 to 5 times a year...and I feel the need to GET DRUNK tonight! I'm sure it will only make me feel worse.....I just feel that he has taken SOOOOO MUCH from me already...and now I cannot have a glass of wine without feeling guilty about it either! Damn you alcoholics!!!

2009-01-01T22:14:00.038-06:00

As I reflect over the last year...I can definitely relate to my life in songs. The music and the lyrics just seem to resonate in me. Most are what many might think are "downers", but as I recover...I can't just fake like its been "ham-and-jam" all year. I'm posting the 12 songs that I see myself in.

You might notice that the last 2 songs are getting more upbeat and the lyrics seem to be based toward recovery....this is because I didn't move into the "AWARENESS" mode until November. However, I am still in the "awareness mode only" and will keep at it in 2009....one day at a time.

January

Coldplay-Fix You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=34KF_UzrwAY

When you try your best but you don't succeed

When you get what you want but not what you need

When you feel so tired but you can't sleep

Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face

When you lose something you can't replace

When you love someone but it goes to waste

Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below

When you're too in love to let it go

But if you never try you'll never know

Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

Tears stream down you face

When you lose something you cannot replace

Tears stream down your face

And I

Tears stream down your face

I promise you I will learn from my mistakes

Tears stream down your face

And I

Lights will guide you home

And ignite your bones

And I will try to fix you

February 2007

Frail by Jars of Clay

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QoyNYBKOhJA

Convinced of my deception

I've always been a fool

I fear this love reaction

Just like you said I would

A rose could never lie

About the love it brings

And I could never promise

To be any of those things

[Chorus:]

If I was not so weak

If I was not so cold

If I was not so scared of being broken

Growing old

I would be...

Blessed are the shallow

Depth they'll never find

Seemed to be some comfort

In rooms I try to hide

Exposed beyond the shadows

You take the cup from me

Your dirt removes my blindness

Your pain becomes my peace

[Chorus]

...frail

March 2007

Drive by Cars

http://noolmusic.com/blogs/YouTube_Music_Videos_80s_90s_-_The_Cars_-_Drive.shtml

Who's gonna tell you when

It's too late

Who's gonna tell you things

Aren't so great

You can't go on

Thinking nothings wrong

Who's gonna drive you home tonight

Who's gonna pick you up

When you fall

Who's gonna hang it up

When you call

Who's gonna pay attention

To your dreams

Who's gonna plug their ears

When you scream

You can't go on

Thinking nothings wrong

Who's gonna drive you home tonight

Who's gonna hold you down

When you shake

Who's gonna come around

When you break

You can't go on

Thinking nothing wrong

Who's gonna drive you home tonight

April 2007

In My Place-By Coldplay

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_XonuuQZSCE

In my place, in my place

Were lines that I couldn't change

I was lost, oh yeah

I was lost, I was lost

Crossed lines I shouldn't have crossed

I was lost, oh yeah

Yeah, how long must you wait for him?

Yeah, how long must you pay for him?

Yeah, how long must you wait for him?

I was scared, I was scared

Tired and under prepared

But I wait for you

If you go, if you go

Leaving me here on my own

Well I wait for you

Yeah, how long must you wait for him?

Yeah, how long must you pay for him?

Yeah, how long must you wait for him?

Please, please, please

Come on and sing to me

To me, me

Come on and sing it out, out, out

Come on and sing it now, now, now

Come on and sing it

In my place, in my place

Were lines that I couldn't change

I was lost, oh yeah

Oh yeah

May 2007

High and Dry

By Radiohead

(This song's lyrics don't necessarily connect...but it was the last month that Clark and I had sex...so this so fits!)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6uaTYjCWvY

Two jumps in a week

I bet you think that's pretty clever don't you boy?

Flying on your motorcycle,

Watching all the ground beneath you drop

You'd kill yourself for recognition,

Kill yourself to never ever stop

You broke another mirror,

You're turning into something you are not

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

Drying up in conversation,

You will be the one who cannot talk

All your insides fall to pieces,

You just sit there wishing you could still make love

They're the ones who'll hate you

When you think you've got the world all sussed out

They're the ones who'll spit at you,

You will be the one screaming out

Don't leave me high, don't leave me dry

It's the best thing that you ever had,

The best thing that you ever, ever had

It's the best thing that you ever had,

The best thing you ever had has gone away

June 2007

Landslide

by Smashing Pumpkins

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6A_4f8qGBdA&feature=related

I took my love, I took it down

I climbed a mountain and I turned around

And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills

til the landslide brought it down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?

Can the child within my heart rise above?

Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, Ive been afraid of changing cause I've

Built my life around you

But time makes you bolder

Even children get older

And I'm getting older, too

Well, Ive been afraid of changing cause I've

Built my life around you

Time makes you bolder

Even children get older

And I'm getting older, too

I get older, too

I took my love and took it down

I climbed a mountain, I turned around

And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills

The landslide brought it down

July 2007

Stained Glass Masquerade

By Casting Crowns

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aRUJrjUGGfg

Is there anyone that fails

Is there anyone that falls

Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around

Everybody seems so strong

I know they'll soon discover

That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everythings okay

If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too

So with a painted grin, I play the part again

So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people

Under shiny plastic steeples

With walls around our weakness

And smiles to hide our pain

But if the invitation's open

To every heart that has been broken

Maybe then we close the curtain

On our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone who's been there

Are there any hands to raise

Am I the only one who's traded

In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing

And we know every line by heart

Only when no one is watching

Can we really fall apart

But would it set me free

If I dared to let you see

The truth behind the person

That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open

Or would you walk away

Would the love of Jesus

Be enough to make you stay

August 2007

I Know

by Fiona Apple

(I have thought Clark was having an affair numerous times...but have never proven this...Actually...I think his only true affair has been with alcohol. So this song is still fitting...especially because I'm always wait for him....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OJyZgKrnEdI&feature=related

So be it, I'm your crowbar

If that's what I am so far

Until you get out of this mess

And I will pretend

That I don't know of your sins

Until you are ready to confess

But all the time, all the time

Ill know, Ill know

And you can use my skin

To bury secrets in

And I will settle you down

And at my own suggestion,

I will ask no questions

While I do my thing in the background

But all the time, all the time

Ill know, Ill know

Baby-i cant help you out, while shes still around

So for the time being, I'm being patient

And amidst this bitterness

If you ll just consider this-even if it don't make sense

All the time-give it time

And when the crowd becomes your burden

And you've early closed your curtains,

Ill wait by the backstage door

While you try to find the lines to speak your mind

And pry it open, hoping for an encore

And if it gets too late, for me to wait

For you to find you love me, and tell me so

Its ok, don't need to say it.

September 2007

Valley Song

by Jars of Clay

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CvHMjILrSJ0

You have led me to the sadness

I have carried this pain

On a back bruised, nearly broken

I'm crying out to you

Chorus

I will sing of Your mercy

That leads me through valleys of sorrow

To rivers of joy

When death like a Gypsy

Comes to steal what I love

I will still look to the heavens

I will still seek your face

But I fear you aren't listening

Because there are no words

Just the stillness and the hunger

For a faith that assures

Chorus x2

Alleluia, alleluia

While we wait for rescue

With our eyes tightly shut

Face to the ground using our hands

To cover the fatal cut

And though the pain is an ocean

Tossing us around, around, around

You have calmed greater waters

Higher mountains have come down

Chorus

Yeah

Alleluia, alleluia

Alleluia, alleluia alleluia, alleluia

Chorus (4 Xs)

Oh, Lord sing of Your mercy,

Mercy

Your mercy

October 2007

Get Gone

By Fiona Apple

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F76BU-tMI3Q

How many times do I have to say
To get away-get gone
Flip your shit past another lasses
Humble dwelling
You got your game, made your shot, and you got away
With a lot, but Im not turned-on
So put away that meat youre selling
Cuz I do know whats good for me-
And Ive done what I could for you
But youre not benefiting, and yet Im sitting
Singing again, sing, sing again
How can I deal with this, if he wont get with this
Mi gonna heal from this; he wont admit to it
Nothing to figure out; I gotta get him out
Its time the truth was out that he dont give a
Shit about me
How many times can it escalate
Till it elevates to a place I cant breathe?
And I must decide, if you must deride
That Im much obliged to up and go
Ill idealize, then realize that its no
Sacrifice, because the price is paid, and
Theres nothing left to grieve
Fuckin go-
Cuz Ive done what I could for you, and I do know whats
Good for me and Im not benefiting, instead
Im sitting singing again, singing again, singing again,
Sing, sing, sing again
How can I deal with this, if he wont get with this
Mi gonna heal from this; he wont admit to it
Nothing to figure out; I gotta get him out
Its time the truth was out that he dont give a
Shit about me

November 2007

If You Listen

by Elizabeth Mitchell

(This is the month that my "awareness" kicked in. It is a children's song that my daughter listens to...but so fitting...I couldn't find a You Tube for your viewing pleasure...but it's worth a preview if you can find one....The Lyrics Are:

If you listen, you can hear

birds sing and flowers grow

If you listen, you can hear

my love for you just grows

in the silence that surrounds

deep peace and love are found

in the days that will be here

my love will call you loud and clear

and in that silent place

where lonlieness is found

I'll wander through the open door to look for you

there in that magic place

that lies beyond the clouds

floating in a sea of dreams

I'll sing to you

If you listen

you can hear

birds sing and flowers grow

if you listen

you can hear

my love for you just grows...

December - 2007

Voice of Truth

by Casting Crowns

(Sorry...this video is VERY CHEESY! A slide-show project probably from some 13 year old kid in Sunday school, but the lyrics say it all. I am finally hearing the Voice of Truth and starting to believe the inner voice....)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KwsvqVmFV6Y

Oh what I would do to have

The kind of faith it takes to climb out of this boat I'm in

Onto the crashing waves

To step out of my comfort zone

To the realm of the unknown where Jesus is

And He's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name and they laugh at me

Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed

The waves they keep on telling me

Time and time again. 'Boy, you'll never win!'

"You'll never win"

But the voice of truth tells me a different story

And the voice of truth says "Do not be afraid!"

And the voice of truth says "This is for My glory"

Out of all the voices calling out to me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh what I would do to have

The kind of strength it takes to stand before a giant

With just a Sling and a stone

Surrounded by the sound of a thousand warriors

Shaking in their armor

Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out my name and he laughs at me

Reminding me of all the times I've tried before and failed

The giant keeps on telling me

Time and time again "boy, you'll never win!

"You'll never win"

But the stone was just the right size

To put the giant on the ground

And the waves they don't seem so high

From on top of them looking down

I will soar with the wings of eagles

When I stop and listen to the sound of Jesus

Singing over me

I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

And that's all folks! My life in a year of songs.

Others that I really liked...but couldn't find videos for are: A Separate Reality by Ocean Blue...and George Michael's Waiting (Reprise) are perfect as well.

Have a Happy and Peaceful New Year's Day.

Honest Scrap

2008-12-28T04:48:00.006-06:00

Thank you Cat for choosing me. I'm about a month late on posting...but...I will try to put something together. I just posted around an hour ago and I may as well stay up the rest of the night. It is now 4:51 a.m. YIKES! Anyway...Here it goes...

1) I was a nanny for 6 months in Chicago roughly 20 years ago. I lived near Michael Jordan and one day I rang his doorbell and met his wife (Juanita). She mentioned that he no longer meets with people/neighbors. But that he used to let kids in the neighborhood play basketball on his home-courts. Oh course.....he no longer lives in this house and is now divorced.

2) I also nannied for a family on Cape Cod. They were a Greek family that had ties to the Mafia of some sorts. At times, I feared for my life and ended up flying home early. It was a great experience though....It was the first time that I actually flew on an airplane (at age 21) and that I saw the ocean for the first time.

3) I read PEOPLE magazine each Saturday morning (right after it is delivered to my mailbox). I read it cover-to-cover in about 20 minutes (its reading level is probably grade 2!) I love every guilty minute of it! I cannot stop. It's one of my guilty pleasures.

4) I could eat Mexican Food at least 5 nights a week! Chips & Salsa, a frozen margarita and a side of Guacamole would be my last meal ....if I had to choose...Oh yeah...by the way...I had Mexican Food again tonight!

5) I have a public speaking phobia! I am probably one of the most seemingly outgoing people you could meet. Put me in a room of strangers and one-one-one I can go through the whole room and introduce myself and strike up conversations with anyone. But....put me on the spot....or in a circle and ask me to introduce myself and tell a bit about me....I FREEZE....MY HEART-RATE rises...MY VOICE WILL EVEN START TO SHAKE!....It's crazy! Probably the low-self-esteem thing rising to the surface. I hope to get to the bottom of this by working the 12 steps this year.

6) I love to Shop and Spend Money! It gives me a "high" probably much like an alcoholic gets when they drink. When my husband gets paid....I pay all the bills and then balance the checkbook. Then I rationalize what items I would like to buy for either Clementine, myself, or the house and then begin looking online or go the mall. I usually feel guilty afterwards....see....we have 4 credit cards with SUBSTANTIAL BALANCES (to say the least)...but I end of shopping all over again. My husband just got paid yesterday and today I went online and ordered snow pants and snow boots at Hanna Andersson for Clementine. I also ordered a few birthday presents for her too.

7) I taught 1st Grade for 15 years at the same school. My 2 year leave is about to expire in May. I have to let them know if I will be going back by March. I am hoping to just sub next year....but am worried about Clark's drinking progressing and wonder if I should go back full-time. I also like structure and "not-knowing" where I will sub the next day until the morning-of is a bit unnerving.

8) I am a Christian who is constantly struggling with developing a relationship with Christ. I am always seem to be "church shopping". Just can't seem to find the right church...might be that "Not liking people thing...." continuing to follow me. I am beginning to like people and not constantly judge them or try to measure myself up against them.

9) I always wanted to be mother....even when I was little. I always thought I would have at least 3 children. Now...I have been begging Clark to get a vasectomy. Having another child at 40 is doable for some...but not advisable to a Diabetic with only 1/2 of my pancreas left to do an Insulinoma tumor.

Since having that surgery in 2004, I am kind of like a car with hail-damage...Even though I was repaired...I have never been the same since! I now have a rare gallbladder thing called biliary dyskensia. I have had a dilation of my esophagus due to an esophageal ring. I have had a needle biopsy done on a tumor on my thyroid. Thankfully...it was benign.. Then I fell down a flight of stairs and sprained my ankle so severely that I was in a cast for 6 weeks. Oh yeah...I also had a severe reaction to something I ate and had to be rushed to the ER. I looked like I had injected BOTOX all over my face! Then severe hives came on and remained for about 4 months. No cause was found for either of these things. So as you can see...I have never been quite the same since surgery. I was so healthy before that and now wonder if many of these things ....even possibly the pancreatic tumor may have come on as a result of internalizing all my stress for years.

10) I took my first yoga class last year and loved it! I was also introduced to the Netti-Nasal-Cleansing-Pot. It's a little pot (like a tea-pot) only with a longer spout. You put the spout in one nostril and pour in warm sea-salt water and Waalaah! it goes up into your sinuses and comes out on the other side! I do it weekly and once a day when I feel like I have a sinus infection coming on. It took some practice...but now I'm a Netti-Pot-Pro! I'm proud to say that I haven't had a sinus infection in 2 years! May sound gross.....but....Good Things...Ha! Ha!

Sorry...but I don't read enough yet to keep up with who has received this...so feel free to take part in this too...Happy 2009 to all of you.

Christmas 2008

2008-12-28T02:25:00.010-06:00

Wow....it's 2:25 a.m. on early Sunday morning. I have soooo much to be thankful for and know it. However....I have to include 1 more negative post in 2008. As I am not feeling anything right now other than sorrow....anger....and more towards my alcoholic husband. See in the last 6 days, he has gone out....

December 22: His friend J.G. was in town from Texas....and in true fashion they went out. He came home very intoxicated at 1:30 a.m.

December 24: He called me from work at 2:00 p.m. to inform me that he was "just" going to his friend's J.K. for a "drink" and then he would be home. I begged....I pleaded...Please, it's Christmas Eve....please don't do this tonight! Around 8:30 p.m....After helping my 4 year old write a letter to Santa...put out cookies and milk...praying with her and tucking her into bed...he shows up....completely drunk.

December 27: His friend J.M. was in town from California. And in their true fashion, he went out. I woke up at 1:30 with a panicky feeling as I heard sirens nearby. I usually never hear sirens and suddenly had this sinking feeling that he may have been in an accident. I called his cell phone...no answer...I called again at 2:00 a.m..he answered...said he was in the driveway and ready to pull into the garage. He acted as if nothing was wrong...said they went to a bar and then to Burger King and then sat in Target's parking lot to eat their food, then he went his way and mine drove home drunk again....

Anymore...I react quite differently to his drinking than I used to 5 to 10 years ago. I used to try to hunt him down...call his cell phone relentlessly...yell and scream when he did arrive and then give him the silent treatment for a week. Only to follow with a "serious" talk and he would agree with everything I said (this enraged me)....only for a short reprieve of his "crazy" late nights...for him to do it again approximately 1 month later. Needless to say...his drinking has progressed.

In the last 5 years...I pretty much go into "denial" mode just like him when he goes out to drink. However, I fret and worry as in the last year...his drinking has gotten way worse.

The 2008 standouts are:

1) He threw a rock at the window in an attempt to wake me up when he came home from his work's Christmas party drunk and couldn't get in the front door. A van of 3 ladies sat out front waiting for him to get in.

2) He passed out in the driveway with his car running after returning home from the bar at 2:00 a.m. It was February and freezing and snowing! I wondered what to do? If I went out to get him...would he "hit" the gas and run me over? Or run into the garage? All these thoughts were raging through my mind. I remember being especially upset because I was still up frantically cleaning the house as it was to be put on the market the next day. Our agent was to come by at 9:00 to look at the house. What did I do? I first went outside and took a picture of him...for evidence you know? (for what? I don't know?) Then I ran back inside...contemplated calling the police...then he suddenly stumbled in.

3) I got a call from a bar in a nearby college town. The bartender had found my husband's cell phone and called me to say it had been left in the bar. See...earlier that day my husband had set off with his true alcoholic friend for life J.K to head to the college football spring game. Not even sure it they made it to the game? But got a call from his friend to tell me that they didn't know where their car was? J.K's ex codie girlfriend drove an hour and a half to the hugely crowded game to find them and drive them home. When they arrived...my husband was peeing in the driveway and had to be helped into the house.

4) Not sure when it was...but he was passed out in bed and our 4 year old tried to wake him. She stood crying saying that..."Mommy, why won't he wake up?" She knew something was up because any other sober time...he would wake up within seconds and scoop her up and love her up! He is quite careful to shield Clementine from his antics. But lately...he can't do this as easily...

Now...these are just the "Stand-Outs"...However, every weekend in the last year has been filled with drunkenness in some way-shape-form. He has even upped it to getting drunk a couple times a month in the middle of the week. Also...a new thing for him is having alcohol in the house to drink 1 or 2 beers every night before he goes to bed. A few years ago...we never had alcohol in the house unless we were having someone over for dinner.

I am so freakin scared tonight. I feel like everything near and dear to me could slip away at any moment. He still works at the same job that he has been at for 23 years. He makes a great salary...But... I see him getting more stressed about work and talking about the stress and the higher expectations that are being put on him...This only scares me that his drinking is affecting his work and some may be seeing this. Also...it only adds fuel to the weekend fire as he wants to escape work and get drunk. I have put all my trust in this alcoholic that I dearly love in the last 2 years that I have not been teaching. I have no salary. I know that if he loses his job....we will lose this new beautiful home and possibly everything. Will I find out that he is having an affair? I know this goes right along with drinking and we are not close in the slightest.... I know all my fretting and worrying does me no good. Just typing and telling you all helps me feel a little better.

Back to Christmas Eve....Usually...I just wait up listening for the garage-door to open and for him to safely make it into the house....but for some reason...(could it be that it was Christmas Eve?) that I was especially mad that he was out. We both said some real mean things to each other. See...it's easy for this codie to tell him all about his "Marquee Sins" because they are more apparent. The drinking...going to bars....etc... But I seem to put myself up on my pious pedestal because I "just" take care of Clementine all the time....am a good mom...and blah...blah...blah..

Then yesterday...I had a real heavy heart all day. God was convicting me. See....for all my indirect codie sins that I commit...God forgives me time and time again and welcomes me back with loving arms wide open. I was brought to my knees again. So...for the first time...I bravely apologized to my husband Clark. It went something like this.

Clark...I am sorry for all the mean things I said the other night. I love you. I'm not sure if you've noticed any changes in me yet. But as you know I have been going to Al-Anon. I am going to Al-Anon not to talk about you but to heal. See I have SOOO MUCH wrong with me and need recovery. Please be patient with me and support me when I need to go to a meeting. I love you.

Wow....that took so much from this dysfunctional codie! I drained me! Then it gave me peace and joy and finally I'm saying this...serenity. He even responded wonderfully.

He said...thank you for those kind words. I have seen a change in you....but...sometimes you just get sick-and-tired-of-being-sick-and-tired. I get it. I love you too.

We hugged and that was it. But there was this unsaid closeness between us that wasn't there before. Then tonight came and went and I was right back in the muck again. But for now...my dear husband of almost 16 years is nicely-tucked-in upstairs in bed and we are all safe.

Please pray for us.

P.S. - I will post more later...but I do have a few Christmas pictures to post. I actually baked this year. Something very new for me...so you guys have to see the picts. I didn't take the cookie photos until most were gone...but...oh well.

Also...my husband's Dad, brother and sister came for Christmas. It was a breakthrough and glorious. See my husband has only seen his Dad probably 4 times in the last 16 years and we live in the same city. Much more to write about this....But for now...it is 4:02 a.m. and I want to get up early and try out a new church tomorrow with Clementine. Thank you for your encouragement. I know I don't deserve it. I rarely post and comment and I'm sorry. 2009 might get better. I am calm for now. Goodnight.

Thanksgiving

2008-12-01T21:53:00.005-06:00

Thanksgiving came in smoothly with family and left abruptly with hurt feelings for all. Can't even begin to go into it all...but today I want to focus on the positive things that occurred during those precious 3 days.

I am thankful for the beautiful smiles of my niece and nephews. They are growing up so fast.
I am thankful for the excitement that our daughter had while playing her little heart out.
I am thankful for the time I had shopping with my sister for all the groceries needed. We haven't been able to do that for sooo long!
I am thankful that Mom gave us her card to let us buy all kinds of goodies to help make the dinners and Thanksgiving a success.
I am grateful for the great weather they had in traveling to our house.
I am thankful that all kiddos were healthy.
I am grateful that dad didn't go into shock and give me a lecture about our new car.
I am grateful that the kids seem to sleep OK for being in unfamiliar surroundings.
I am thankful that I saw C. acting beautifully and is growing up nicely...even without meds anymore. I hope she can maintain without them. I really miss her and would like her to stay with us for a week if you're willing. You know I will be her ONLY AUNTIE.
I am thankful that Mom & Dad took the kids to the nearby park on Friday.
Thank you G. for complementing me on how I cut my pickles and sliced the turkey just the right size for the little ones. That made me feel good.
Thank you for admiring the kitchen and letting me know that you liked it. That also meant a lot to me. I value your opinion.
I am thankful for all the delicious breads, cookies, pumpkin-pie and your home-made biscotti, your yummy toffee bars and the cappuccinos rocked G! The Strata for brunch on Thursday was a hit and I need the recipe for the yummy salad with the Gorgonzola cheese and cranberry stuff. How did you make that salad dressing?
Mom I loved the chex mix, breads, cookies, pies and appreciate all the meat and cinnamon rolls you stocked our deep freeze with. I just made homemade beef and noodles tonight and they were delicious!
I am grateful for the massager that you brought. It is now on my wish list for hubby to buy me for Christmas.

I am so sorry that my sister felt unwelcome and left early. We could have had such fun shopping and taking the kids to do fun things in the city over the weekend. I know the Thanksgiving meal was chaotic and wish it would have gone differently. I will call her but knew we both need the quiet distance for a week or so.

I will say that just like what I'm learning in al-anon...it was similar that weekend. I did not cause it....I cannot change it.....I cannot cure it....and so on. It is so hard to set boundaries and not internalize when people are not happy with me. But for the record sis....I am sorry and did treasure the time we did spend together. Maybe someday....we need to get away...just the 2 of us for a spa trip or something like that-without kids or husbands.

I know that even though I am working on loving detachment with my husband....it seems like I'm only being successful at the detaching-without love towards everyone. I am a work in progress. And I will never be perfect. I love my family dearly and want God's best for all of us. So G. if you're reading this-sorry for everything. I love you.

I wrote this post but somehow didn't get it online....I have another crazy post to write about last weekend when I'm not so tired. But tonight....I am grateful for my warm home as it is beginning to snow. We are supposed to get our first measurable snow of the season. Probably around 3 inches. During my 16 years of teaching (I'm on a 2 year leave)...whenever snow was even in the forecast, I would watch the 3 local weather stations, The Weather Channel and constantly flip channels to see if it would snow the required 5-6 inches to cancel school. The phone ringing to say "School is Closed" was just the BEST feeling on a cold morning. So tonight I am grateful that I will go to bed knowing that I don't have to go to work in the morning. I am also grateful that hubby will not have to scrape his windows at 5:00 in the morning when he leaves for work, as we now have our cars in a garage.

I need to just give God praise and just enjoy the morning with my sweet dolly (my 4 year old daughter.) Have a sweet peaceful night.

2008-11-24T23:54:00.003-06:00

OK...I've retired and I'm back already. I keep reading all my favorite blogs and getting inspiration. I have checked out another Al-Anon meeting and will continue to look for a sponsor because boy do I need one.

I noticed something about myself lately. This will sound bad, but I am trying not to sensor myself. I don't really like people. I want to like people. I want people to like me...well that one is a given and it has been for my whole life. When I meet someone new...I am usually fixed on how they're viewing me. I rarely see people for who they really are. I have met maybe 2 to 3 other people in my life that I really wanted to pursue a close friendship with....but the friendships never tend to get off the ground...maybe because they could see that I am not true to myself???

When I meet most people, I generally find lots of "stuff-wrong" with them....I'm sure it's my own blazing insecurities and low self-esteem. However, today...I noticed that I tried to look at each person I spoke to at my daughter's preschool as true people. I tried to listen attentively to their words. Usually, I am hung-up on..."how do I look?" or "Crap...I think my lips are dry and need Carmex!....or...."I know she is looking at me and thinking this-or-that." Pretty shallow huh? Sad..but true. Like I said, I at least tried to focus on them. I am learning that I am just as selfish as my alcoholic is in so many ways. How can I expect to make new friends in our new area (we just moved last May) when I am so focused on him?

A note on Thanksgiving. This one will be interesting. My parents, my sister and her 3 kids (ages 9, 2, and 4) are all going to stay with us since we moved and now have space for everyone. Now that I am having an awakening of sorts...I wonder if many crazy words will get said between my Dad and I. He seems to ruin most meals, holidays, conversations, etc...with his obsession over money and his negative outlook on life. Then I watch my Mom cater to him and run herself ragged to please everyone. All the while, my spouse is pacing the room like a caged animal waiting for the next "appropriate" opportunity to get drunk while they are here. Lately...it doesn't even have to be appropriate-(Like a neighbor calling to invite him over to watch a football game.) When I watch from the outside...my mom and dad interacting...I see me and my spouse through and through. Yeah..maybe my dad doesn't have the alcoholism, but he is an angry sad bitter old man. He wants everyone to listen to him rant on about today's economy, etc...

Oh...the Holidays....my resolutions for this week are:

When my mom or dad become negative....walk away or grab the kids to start playing a game, etc...Most adults in my family loathe true playtime with kids...(including me...) so it should be an interesting attempt.

When my husband gets negative or starts drinking, try to find the positive in our beautiful 4-year-old.

Try to get outside (if it's warm enough...) and take those interested for a walk or to play at the nearby park.

Try to focus on family and try to lovingly detach from spouse when needed. I still don't know what this means..."loving detachment?" Whenever I try....he gets mad and I get some sort of attitude...then I get mad...then guilty...then sad...and repeat the cycle. Did any of you do this at the beginning of recovery. Just curious...how many of you out there found true peace and recovered on your own - perhaps...with the help of your higher power - while your S.O. was still drinking? Just need some hope I guess... Well, gotta get rest....my family also wakes up at 6:00 daily...so I need to save up on sleep tonight. Wow...I just noticed that it's already 12:31 a.m. So much for getting to bed early. They're coming tomorrow and I still have to clean the bathrooms, and do lots of last minute cleaning. Why do I always wait until last minute anyway? I kill myself off...then put on the Little-Miss-Sunshine face until I drop a day later.

I do wish all of you a Happy - Safe - Peaceful Thanksgiving.

Little Miss Sunshine Retires...

2008-11-19T22:09:00.012-06:00

First of all....THANK YOU to everyone that has commented on this blog. I found myself so excited to read each comment and even had that Junior High Crush feeling when I would post and wait for the next comment to come through. (Yeah...I know...what a sad life...that I don't have too many other exciting things going on). But...honestly...I feel like I am at such an early stage in my recovery that I don't feel positive enough yet to write honestly without bringing others down with me in the process.

In the few Al-Anon Meetings I've been to....I sit-I listen-I say very little...then watch as a few people talk at the end...but many of them scurry off and leave. I have searched the crowd...(when I say crowd-I mean there are probably close to 100 people that go to this meeting-then they break into small groups after about 20 minutes) looking for someone that I feel a connection to...someone with some similar issues (or past issues) as me...but it's NOT working. Most seem to already have their inner circles or people they talk to.... Possibly, I'm giving off the wrong vibe?! But I am really a positive cheerful girl (in public-they don't know the real sad me...) desperately looking for a sponsor. I did connect with one girl...I asked her if she would be my sponsor...then I found out that she is dealing with her husband having an affair-he doesn't hold a job-and she works full time to support her 4 kids and is fairly new to the program herself. WOW..just when I thought I had problems...What I also see is...many attend the meetings that have kids that are now alcoholics or that grew up in an alcoholic family. I guess I am being selfish. This is my TOP TEN LIST for the my selfish SELF and the I WANTS for Al-Anon.

I want to meet others that are married to alcoholics and FIND A SPONSOR.
I want to know what to say to my spouse when he comes home at 2:00 a.m. drunk-Actually...I want to know what to say to him anytime...he refuses to discuss anything and we don't talk unless it's Pleasantries of the Day....
I want to know how to function and meet a healthy couple when my husband binge drinks.
I want to know how to NOT FEEL GUILTY each time I try to assert myself to my husband and tell him I am going to an Al-Anon meeting without him getting mad.
I want to know how to respond to my spouse when he has his BABY ANGRY FIT moments.
I want to know how to GROW CONFIDENCE in myself so I don't have an anxiety attack each time I want to speak in front of a group.
I want to know if I should stay-or-leave? P.S.-I wouldn't ever qualify for health insurance on my own again-I had this rare cancer thing that came on after I gave birth to our daughter. I am OK... for now...but I am a diabetic because they removed half of my pancreas due to a rare pancreatic tumor. So...I desperately need his health insurance.
I want to know if I am harming my child by staying or leaving?
I want to know...how long before I can be HAPPY alone?
I want to know...WHEN WILL THIS CO-DEPENDENT CAPER turn into INDEPENDENT CAPER?

Basically...I have found that all I want to write about...are the things that he is doing that irritate me and how he is becoming increasingly more distant from me and our daughter as his Alcoholism progresses.

However...he works very hard at his job-but... then wants to be a couch potato whenever he is at home. (See..I feel guilty even saying this...I am the stay-at-home mom-he supports us with a great income-he works hard and is tired...you know....) But...he really has NO relationship of ANY KIND with me. So, I find it hard to write about anything but the NEGATIVE NELLY kind of stuff...

So...I will eagerly await your comments again and then I plan to write in a journal-format for myself, but no posting again until I get myself feeling somewhat grounded and a sponsor to vent all the other negative junk to. I will continue to read all of your posts. My favorites are Syd and Cat. They have both lived in similar situations and I have learned so much from them. I love you guys! I'm not giving up...I'm just on a hiatus until I can see through the fog.

See all of you soon.

You may still email me...if you'd like at: LittleMissSunshineis40@gmail.com

Roller-Coaster Ride Anyone?

2008-11-09T21:45:00.000-06:00

Wow...what a lazy weekend. Basically, I did not leave the house since Friday evening. Only to step out onto the deck for a moment today. It was freezing here all weekend! The cool thing is...that all of us were together all weekend. Me...the co-dependent that I am...A perfect day to me is: A clean house, laundry done & put away, clean sheets on the beds, checkbook balanced and all 3 of us together in my little controlled world. Yes....he watched tons of football and drank #? (ok...I'll admit...I was counting...9 beers since Saturday morning-not his usual quota). Overall, a very laid-back weekend.

Finally, I got it together and cooked 2 meals this weekend. I like to cook...but this disease of watching out for my alcoholic is so exhausting...I do tend to be fairly scattered in my thoughts and can't even decide which restaurant we should go to...how can I possibly think about ingredients and preparing a meal? Remember...I am just now beginning to "see the light."

However, Saturday I made shrimp havarti, crab legs, roasted mushrooms, Cesar-Salad and pasta. Tonight, we had grilled cheese sandwiches and chili. It was nice to NOT have to head out to a restaurant...which we usually do...not to mention the dollars saved.

Throughout the weekend though....I still can't help but think that I am getting back on the roller-coaster. We were together...well just occupying the same space... this weekend, but he still made several phone calls and seemed to be his usual "caged-animal self." He called our old drinking-neighbor M. I'm sure he was trying to "muster-up" someone to go out with-to get in his quota (how he needs to get fully drunk every weekend).

Everyone must have been busy...so lucky me...he chose us this weekend. (How sad this sounds).

See...my hubby is not the alcoholic that is content to stay home with his family and get drunk...(not that this would be any easier...just easier in my sick mind of control) He...on-the-other-hand... likes to be away from me/our daughter/responsibilities when he is drinking.

This could be:

at a bar
at a friend's house watching a football game
just going to have "a" cocktail
with an old friend in from out-of-town
going to after-work functions
helping someone to do "something"
JUST PLAIN AWAY!

That's the thing with this disease that I am having the hardest time with...I am a planner...a controller of situations (or so I think). So, even though he was home, I knew something would soon follow...the other shoe would drop... and he would be off....to leave me to my own devices. My own worst device...FEAR.

FEAR of a DUI-How has this man driven drunk every weekend for 20 years and never received one?
FEAR of him killing himself or others in a car accident.
Fear of getting to be sleep-deprived as I wait for him to roll in.
FEAR of lying in bed with that "gut-wrenching" anxiety until he makes it home.
FEAR of the "phone-call"...you know the one...when he says he will either be home soon (already it's 1:00 a.m.) or that he cannot drive home and will stay at J.'s house.
FEAR of losing it all to his alcoholism...all the material possessions...our new home, my new car, having to go back to work full-time to support myself and our daughter if he's gone?
FEAR of my daughter losing her Father whom she dearly adores.
FEAR of my husband meeting someone in a bar and having an affair.
FEAR of losing him. Then...when he walks in at 2:00 a.m....and...suddenly...

ANGER replaces the FEAR. Only to repeat this cycle all over again.

I wait...I wonder...which weekend will it happen? The usual cycle is once a month. The hardest part is the "not knowing?" when....I know this sounds morbid...but I compare it to hearing planes which fly over our house often. Each time one seems to be flying low or seems extremely close...I listen...I fear...will this one hit the house? It's like that with him...I have no control over when and if it will happen. This...I have come to finally recognize.

Last year...when my parents were here for Thanksgiving, they had just arrived from out-of-town (they live 5 hours away). We were making pizza the night before Thanksgiving day. He got off work at noon and went out with a coworker (his alcoholic best friend) to drink. I kept calling and got the dreaded "no answer" . He is famous for the no-answer when he is drinking, which is so aggravating....so finally, we ate the pizza without him.

He came home at 7:30-totally drunk in front of my parents. He says hello and then proudly announces that he is going to bed-at 8:00 p.m.! He stumbles into the bedroom and passes out. I guess I'm fearing that this will happen all over again! Then, I get to deal with the words/looks/disapproval that will come flying from my parents-You know...the dysfunctional parents-a big part in why I chose my husband and why I have stayed so long....

Can you say AL-ANON anyone? I know you're thinking..."This girl is nutzo!" I know I am. These obsessions/fears and me trying to control are driving me crazy. I love what I hear from all of you and I like what I've seen so far in Al-anon. I want the calm/serenity that so many of you have...I know in my head how to get it...but it's not yet in my heart. It is not yet a daily way of living. I am beginning to see things differently though. So...please forgive me...if I'm ranting about him...I am trying to bring the focus back to ME. This is why I cannot wait for this week's meeting.

I'm ready to get off this roller-coaster or better yet...I don't ever want to get on the ride again.

I like To Move It!

2008-11-07T22:50:00.000-06:00

I took my daughter to Madagascar II tonight. It was a great movie. For the first time, I finally let myself "be in the moment" and enjoyed the movie. I probably only let my mind wander about "him" a couple of times (few seconds each time...as compared to an entire movie in the past). My Q. was working late. He is in the I.T./I.S. field, and he had to do something with the network. This means he may not get home until late. So, I decided to head to the movies. Before Q. left tonight to head back to work, we had great communication and all had hugs & kisses. I found myself feeling guilty for going without him, but I knew I had to begin to branch out and not wait for his "kibble" every weekend. I usually do not make any plans hoping that I will somehow fit into his life. This has led me to become quite isolated at times. I think the guilt came from the fact that normally...he would call me as he way driving home from work at 3:00ish and mention that he would be either: a) stopping off to have "a drink" with his friend (also an alcoholic) or b) meeting his friend at a bar for "a drink". Then he would show up around 7:00 to 8:00ish drunk and tired. This is the current trend. I know that the tide will change soon as the holidays approach. Usually...this means friends from out of town will return. More bar and late night evenings....I'm really trying to NOT obsess about him. I did very well today. Got a haircut, actually got dressed up just to drop off daughter at Preschool. Went shopping, etc...basically, I kept myself busy. While I was at Whole Foods shopping, I noticed I was trying to be friendly and could tell I must have had more confidence...because many were responding slightly more positive than usual. Ok...I know that sounds like a Codie thing to say...but it just felt like a pretty good day. Minus the guilt from enjoying the movie while he was working. All a part of the process I guess.

Little Miss Sunshine is Born!

2008-11-06T23:46:00.000-06:00

Today is my first official blog! I've tried 3 times to make one, but kept having technical difficulties. Why the title? Partly because I have always presented myself as the..."Little Miss Sunshine" to others...(Peace at all Costs) you know. My facade is a bright smile-full of sparkling white teeth....however, my heart was breaking inside. Also...the "lightbulb" has truly been turned on! I am now fully understanding the depth of my co-dependence, my issues of control, etc... Most importantly...Why have I been married to an alcoholic for nearly 16 years? Obviously...my pain tolerance seems to be sky-high! Also...I will turn 40 on January 3. As this birthday looms...I am finally taking inventory of my life and learning that I don't have to wait for my spouse to recover for me to have a wonderful life. Last year...(around this time) I went to my first-and-only-3 Al-Anon Meetings. I absolutely fear speaking in front of others and I was asked to read aloud from a book (imagine that?). As a teacher...I know...how can you not do this? I'll explain in a later-post. My Q. tried to make me feel guilty for going to those 3 meetings. (i.e.- Mommy cannot tuck you in tonight because she has a "meeting" to our daughter.) Or...he would just act irritable a couple of days leading-up to the meeting night. So...I "ALLOWED" my spouse to get-to-me and found numerous other reasons for "why I don't need Al-Anon." Strangely enough...I believe I did hit "my bottom" several years ago. However...I kept trudging along...watching his alcoholism progress at an alarming rate. Recently...I have "seen the light!" I am finally getting it and went to a new Al-Anon Meeting yesterday. I now know that I have allowed my spouse to become my life and I need a new life. More to come...I am new to this whole blogging thing and I am trying hard to NOT try to sensor my thoughts as a way to truly recover and heal. I hope that this journal will be a way to document my daily thoughts, ramblings, etc... as I truly begin to find out who I am? Also, reading other Al-Anon related blogs has been instrumental in helping me so far. But for today...I truly feel like..."Little Miss Sunshine!"